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), let me give you a quick rundown: Lindsay Lohan has reinvented herself as a #girlboss.
She owns a beach club in Mykonos with her best friend Panos.
She has left her hard-partying days behind, and instead, shes decided to sell the party.
Because who doesnt want toparty like Lindsay Lohan?
Heres what I learned from watching her show.
She still has the AccentTMAh, yes, the AccentTM.
The gift that keeps on giving.
True, shes been living in Dubai.
True, shes been working in Greece.
Also true: She was born and raised in LONG ISLAND.
Lindsays speech patterns vary throughout the series, presumably because the producers tried to tame the AccentTM.
But the AccentTM cannot be tamed.
Even when its dialed down, its cadence is present.
A cadence that says, My first language is not English.
Even though … it is.
At one point, she cries, and I swear to GOD it all goes away.
She was abused on this beach.
Then … SHE BOUGHT THE BEACH!
She opened her beach club on it so that everyone can have fun here.
The weirdest thing about this story is how often she retells it.
Women should be allowed to tell their stories whenever they want, especially their stories of abuse.
But more than once, the retelling seems to be instigated by her business partner Panos.
He looks like a Greek Maleficent with more highlighter on his face than an actors script in pilot season.
Yes, he picks up Lindsays slack.
Yes, he has a talent for terrorizing the VIP Hosts.
And, yes, he follows Lindsay everywhere, which seems to prove that he is loyal.
But the guy described Lindsay as part of his family … right now.
He is not to be trusted.
Branding what my future looks like.
The future is … scary.
Dutifully, they include her in their life goals.
One VIP Host, Sara, says her No.
1 goal in life is to grow the Lohan brand.
This appeases Lohan (for now), who is constantly talking about her brand.
She fires someone because they arent working for the branding.
The VIP Hosts titter about how shes serious about her brand.
As if the Lohan brandisntpartying.
Maybe the Lohan brand is … branding?
After Change the World the next item is: Always Call Oprah.
Lohan brings up herformer reality-TV collaboratora lot.
She refers to Oprah as her 911.
She mentions multiple times that she consulted Oprah on what to do when the VIP Hosts acts up.
Her other famous confidant?
She texts them both for advice literally constantly.
If Oprah could see you now she would tell you that you fillet a fish.
You dont shuck it.
You get the feeling that she doesnt just mean physically safe, but rather,safe from prying eyes.
At one point she says that her biggest fear is being judged.
Her attitude is both sad and understandable, and it permeates her everyday conversation.
You realize as youre watching the show that youre not exactlyhelpingthis problem.
She compares herself to Putin.
Because … that happened.
And it was disturbing to say the least.
To me, it seem like a callous reference a violent authoritarian leader.
But hey, were all having fun, right?!
One day its okay to drink at an event; the next its not.
One day theyre supposed to be flirting with the guests; the next its too much.
There are branded short-shorts that say Lohan on the butt.
Theres a living wall filled with dead plants that has Lohan emblazoned across it.
Shes VERY entertainingShe dances!
She speaks in riddles of broken English!
And she looks great while doing it.
Shes an entertainment genius.
At one point she compares herself to Steven Spielberg.
I just hope Im invited after this article.
