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The moment Williams heard Alaska was caught on video camera.
The video was for Williamss I Am Other channel on YouTube.
Those songs form her debut albumHeard It in a Past Life.
Its a title that divorces her story from any sense of agency or control.
Its about surrendering to process.
Its an album about making an album.
We meet for breakfast in Echo Park, Los Angeles, before she heads out on the road again.
Rogers shows up in red pants, steel-toe boots, and a cow-print jacket.
I wore my pop-star jacket, she says, laughing gregariously.
Cause I got guitars.
I think the term rock star denotes a certain pop in of behavior.So rock stars arebad?
Does it just have to do with your footwear like, I have to wear stilettos instead of boots?
What do you identify with?I dont know.
This is the biggest question.
When Im joking around Ill say Im a pop star because its silly.
I graduated from college, I got a job, and that job was …pop star.
Its finite, too.
Being a pop star has an expiration date.
Rock star is more of a career path.Thats interesting.
So, Johnny Depp: rock star.
The Strokes: rock stars.
I was listening to somebody talk about the new Democratic candidates for 2020.
Obama is a rock star.
In Trump versus Hillary, Trump is the rock star.
I personally think Hillarys a fucking rock star, but in colloquial culture its Trump.
Tomorrow you play in L.A. On Friday your debut is out.
Theres a billboard of you in Times Square.
This is a monumental week.
How are you?Im so excited and Im getting good at letting go of little things.
What little things?OnEllenyesterday the background video projection wasnt awesome.
I was talking to the guy to adjust it.
Then I was like, You know what?
Im not gonna worry about it.
Another thing Ive let go of: I cannot find a stylist.
Thats a pop-star issue, not a real-world issue.
Thats surprising.Its an interesting symptom of genre.
I send incredibly detailed notes, mood boards; I send fabric references.
And I consistently get pulled floor-length floral dresses and velvet hats because people think Im a 70s flower child.
What are you?I dress as a combination of space cowgirl and San Francisco art teacher.
So Im doing it myself.
I dressed myself forSNL[she performed in November 2018].
I wore my own jeans and a silk shirt.
Then I wore a dress I bought at a vintage fair in April.
My mom was coming and said, Do you need anything from home?
I go, Theres a red dress in my closet on the left, kindly!
I havenoidea what Im going to wear onstage tomorrow.
You used to wear very performative outfits.Totally.
The jumpsuits were a way for me to put a costume on and have it be bigger than me.
I was worried I wasnt gonna be enough.
Now Im stoked tonotbe wearing a costume.
When I first made the EP I thought I had to dance around to hold everyones attention.
It was the first time I wasnt playing a guitar.
Now Im learning to justfeel.
Im learning the power of standing still and really singing.
We spoke after I saw you perform at Glastonbury 2017.
You had this look in your eyes onstage, like,Holy shit, this is happening.It was disbelief.
That was the hardest thing.
Now Im so calm and excited because Im getting to enjoy it.
Not that I didnt enjoy it for a couple years, but I was so … overstimulated.
What were those tears for?I started sobbing.
I think because Im taking ownership.
This is the first time I feel like this isnt happeningtome but Im making it happen.
Everything from graduating college to September of 2017 that year-and-a-half touring was so hard to sort through.
I was having moments like Glastonbury, Lollapalooza, Fuji Rock, my first gig in London.
These crazy fucking shows, glimpses of insane elation.
Just trying to keep up with it.
The tears come just because … Its a relief.
Youre glad you made it?This album makes me feel like a person.
I get to tell the story of how I felt instead of having to play a character.
My story was fragmented.
I was in a lot of pain, feeling super conflicted.
I wasnt able to share that.
My music was so intimate.
People thought they knew me.
It was like living a double life.
Now Im gonna choose it on my terms.
This time Im fighting because I actually want it and Im gonna go get it.
Its what I studied in school.
And I love to write.
Thats what makes me feel challenged, excited, curious.
My creativity died during that year-and-a-half.
You cant have output when theres too high of an input and no time to synthesize.
All this stuff was happening, but I didnt feel like an artist because I wasnt making things.
So when I was making the record I was so happy.
I want to do this for the rest of my life.
Its how I know Im alive.
After you toured, you retreated back to Maryland and you wrote Past Life.
Do you feel robbed of the anonymous troubadour years?I did the whole New York musician thing.
I played [venues] Pianos and Babys All Right with my rock band and my folk band.
The universe was gonna make this happen whether I was ready or not.
I get the chance to be ready this time.
When I think about whether I feel I was robbed of something, the biggest thing is privacy.
Im a private person.
I wonder how Im going to feel about this in ten years.
I had dial-up until college.
Where I went to high school there was one Ethernet cable in every classroom.
I didnt have a cell phone till I was 18.
I grew upreallyslowly in the middle of corn fields.
That felt … To have a video of you put on the internet … Not cool.
So you didnt know the Pharrell video was going online?No.
Pharrell put it up.
But I dont wanna be bitter about that, and Im not.
It does not do any good to be upset at the gatekeeper who gave you your career.
He didnt give you a career.No.
I dont believe that.
It has nothing to do with Pharrell.
I have an incredible amount of gratitude and respect for him.
It has more to do with me, and thats an important distinction.
I never wanna talk about what happened to me in a context that feels like Im ungrateful.
The video went online in March.
I had made the EP by mid-April, in three weeks, as my college thesis.
The video went viral in June.
I was finishing college, taking exams.
On Light On you sing: With everyone around me saying: You must be so happy now.
You graduated from college and became a pop star.
First off, I value hard work.
I have an incredible amount of respect for my classmates.
All of us knew I hadnt put the work in on music for that two-and-a-half years.
Id been doing my English major.
Whats that thing called?
My classmates were super supportive.
It wasmewondering why it was happening to me, not to someone else.
It made holiday parties stressful.
I remember going to church at home on Christmas in 2016 and people wanted to take my photo.
Now I dont go to church in my hometown.
When Im home in Maryland, I dont leave the house.
Thats a weird feeling.
It was interesting to hear myself talk at parties.
People would ask, How are you?
You must be so happy.
What were you saying?I was speaking about it with the language of trauma.
It wasnt till people asked that I realized how bad it was.
There was no space for my feelings.
No space for me to have a reaction.
It was just, Go!
Thats what you gotta do.
I dont resent that.
Youre offered an opportunity and you take it.
On Retrograde you reference Stevie Nickss Bella Donna.
But that hasnothingto do with anyone around me.
Ive learned how loud my own self-critic is.
I wanted to begoodat the job.
Who are the people who set the standards in pop?
Giant names who have permanent smiles, host everyone, and are perfect.
I couldnt do it!
But I thought I had to handle it all.
I never thought I could say: This is too much for me.
[She quotes the lyrics.]
I was stopped in Paris and I almost ran away.
Two times round the block before I decided to stay.
Like the damn was breaking and my mind came rushing in.
I was stopped in London I felt an awakening.
Thats just me freaking the fuck out.
Who saved you in those moments?I saved myself.
Actually, thats not true.
That time in London was before my first show.
I had this panic attack because I was in sound check and someone said, You didnt play Alaska.
I never play Alaska in sound check.
I play that song all the time.
They were like, The booker from Jools Holland is here; we need you to play Alaska.
I felt like a monkey, so I freaked out.
I totally lost it.
What did that look like?Me leaving, crying in the bathroom.
Then I got onstage and had one of the best shows Ive ever had.
I felt like people were taking care of my music.
I re-watched yourSNLperformance.I havent seen it.
You have no intention of watching it?At some point maybe.
I dont know if I need to see it.
It was quite the journey.The two performances?
For Light On you came in flat, and you recovered.My ears cut out.
The first 30 seconds I couldnt hear.
It reminded me of a video I once saw of Stevie Nicks performing Rhiannon in 1976.
She performs like a mad person in an exorcism.Dude, I was fucking mad.
I have great shows when Im mad.
Where did the fury come from?Fallingwater is about me trying to figure out the music industry.
Its changed my life more than any other time Ive opened my mouth to sing.
It was the first time I felt like I looked directly at the sun.
I wasnt gonna let this make me nervous.
I was like, Fuck this.
Nobodys gonna tell me how to do this.
It was a switch.
The first time Ive taken any kind of ownership, been alone in it and felt empowered.
Ive spent the last two months completely restructuring my relationship with the industry.
For picking a note out of thin air I did pretty okay.
I just couldnt find it.
So I found the joy and the rest of the performance was fine.
But man, that wasnt what Im capable of.
I had to let it go.
It made me feel as though I had something to prove to myself more than anyone.
The Fallingwater video was choreographed by Emma Portner.
Its so physically expressive.
I was meditating and journaling, but there are some emotions I need to move through.
Your body holds tension.
In the video theres this part where Im smashing my fist into my hand.
Its this … [She starts dancing while seated at the table.]
Ive realized when I perform I hold an incredible amount of tension in my shoulders.
Im trying to loosen up.
I dont have an answer for you.
Im just moving around the table.
Its like theres something in your teeth.
You know when you kiss someone with your teeth?
Its more about tension than it is emotion.
Thats the same way I sing Fallingwater.
Theres something about the tension in my mouth.
Ive been getting asked about reincarnation because of my album title, so I read it for context.
Its about a psychotherapist in the 70s.
He goes through this womans past lives and helps cure her fears through hypnosis.
They all have different relationships to each other every lifetime, but you work through your karmic debts.
We were having a coffee and she goes, I swear youre my mom!
And I didnt get it.
I swear thats a frequency signature.
Judith was one of those people.
And then I read this book and called her: I get it!
Are you on good terms with this period of your life?Totally.
Im on great terms with it.
The only thing I wanna do in this lifetime is learn everything and feel everything.
I have so much love for that girl, you know?
It feels like me and it doesnt feel like me.
Im proud of the way that girl handled it.
Tell me about motorbikes.I love motorcycles.
When I went home after tour I needed a hobby.
I went to motorcycle school.
It took three days to get my license.
I live near a maritime museum and at the end of every summer the museum has an auction.
Somebody put a motorcycle in the auction.
I bought it for $700.
Nobody was bidding on it.
They were all there to buy boats.
Whats the feeling you get riding it?It helps me moderate adrenaline.
I was coming off tour, getting used to these giants spikes, and then you crash.
If I can ride then I can hit some sort of middle through line.
The motorcycle is the thing that made me creative again.
I wrote Past Life after I got back from motorcycle school.
Thats a hilarious sentence.
So you kick-started writing your debut album inspired by learning how to ride a motorcycle?
Do you know what that means?Does it mean that Im Bob Dylan?
It means that youre a rock star.Wow.
In that case, fuck the stilettos, baby.
