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They will all register to vote!!!
Which is great news.
Lets work together, shall we?
Until it becomes slightly inconvenient and then well turn on each other.
Everybody looks like they are expecting to be GIFed.
Every Stark kid has their own YouTube channel now.
Aryas is about how to fight acne while putting other peoples faces on your face.
Daeneryss focuses on how to keep your braid crown intact while you are boning your nephew.
Jon Snows YouTube channel is about how to fake a wintry glow when you have died.
Bran was banned from YouTube for violating its terms of service by promoting dangerous ideologies.
The first few lines of the season involve Tyrion and Varys making jokes about balls.
We only have six hours left!!
And then we have to get right to the polls!!!
Unfortunately, this is a preview of how this entire episode is going to be.
Weve watched 68 episodes of this show.
But then digest (sorry) this: That means the next episode is 69.
Jon is so sex-drunk he doesnt even see his own sister in the crowd.
Jon kisses Bran on the head and says, Look at you!
Bran is like, The construct of masculinity has no use for me now.
Everyone is making small talk despite the fact that the zombies are on their merry way.
Bran sees all but does nothing except make other people feel bad for not seeing all true neutral evil.
Also, his haircut is unacceptable to me.
Jon is like, Listen, have you ever tried doing it on a waterbed?
Imagine that, but more dangerous, because its your relative.
Sansa, however, is still mad.
Shes like, You couldnt think of a SINGLE other relative …???
She and Dany snipe at one another about dragons diets from opposite sides of Jon Snows tiny cute head.
Tyrion and Sansa are reunited for the first time since their wedding 4,000 years ago.
Unfortunately I forgot they were married but fortunately who cares.
Bran can see through time, but he cant take a minute to demonstrate electricity?
I am certain that, if nothing else, the technology exists for indoor torches.
Meanwhile, Jon Snow is respecting the urgency of this moment in time by staring at a tree.
These two have the only non-disturbing sibling dynamic on this show.
However, if Arya so much as glances at Jons tush it will all be over.
Operation Keep Arya and Jon Platonic begins now.
The two proceed to … compare their swords.
It was nice for a few seconds.
Im fine with it.
Yara and Euron have a nice little tete-a-tete, lesbian to lesbian.
Then, suddenly, Euron is over at the Iron Throne, trying to fuck Cersei.
Hes like, Come ON, and shes like, In this economy??
But then, she does fuck him.
I am loving this reboot ofThe L Word.
Bronn of the Blackwater is also trying to have sex, this time with three nameless sex workers.
In trueGame of Thronestradition, theyre all naked while he has pants on.
Were all just going through the motions at this point.
Reread that sentence a few times and then lets all have a talk about our choices.
Back at Bachelor Mansion, Dany and Jon are on date number two.
Theyre going to wonder if youre here for the right reasons, at first, he says.
They just love me and want the best for me.
Jon suggests one of them step outside for a little sunset game of catch.
Danys son throws the ball, hard.
It hits Jon directly in the stomach.
He smiles through the pain.
Strong arm there, huh, kid?
Danys son stares at him stonily.
Goddamnit, he whispers, punching his baseball mitt.
Dany pops her head out.
You boys better be getting along!
She dries her hands on her apron.
Jon clears his throat, looks at her son.
Listen, Im not sure your kids are …
Dany cuts him off with a dark look.
Wordlessly, Jon throws the ball back at Danys son.
He spits on the ground, stares Jon directly in the face, and walks inside.
Chris Harrison walks into the frame.
This is the most great episode ofThe Bachelorever, he says.
Ive never seen anything so good or so cool.
Miranda Lambert shows up and begins singing an acoustic cover of Creep.
Inspired, Jon and Dany make out.
Arya is reunited with two men from her past: Gendry and the Hound.
The Hound calls her a cold little bitch, and she and Gendry bond over a phallic instrument.
Arya flirts by mentioning that she is rich.
We dont have time for this, but this is whats happening, and Im sorry.
A (sexually) tense scene between Sansa and Jon.
Did you bend the knee to save the North, or because you love her?
His abs are still sore from taking that baseball to the gut (and barre).
Meanwhile, Dany waltzes unannounced into the bedroom (?)
of Jons best friend, Samwell Tarly.
Being terrified of her, they obliged.
Unfortunately, things go downhill when Dany accidentally reveals that she murdered Samwells entire family.
Sam is like, How … interesting.
Can you excuse me for a moment?
Chris Harrison walks slowly into the frame from the back of the room and grins.
This is … the most … good … episode … Ive ever seen.
Stay tuned for more.
I love you all.
Hi Sam, says Bran.
Im just waiting for an old friend, blogging.
Also, I now speak exclusively in colors.
Sam is like, Sir, this is a Walgreens.
Im kidding, its Winterfell.
Dany just told me she murdered my family.
Help, I know you see stuff … yo, stop talking to me in words, says Bran.
Also, go tell Jon he is fucking his aunt.
This is your job, for some reason.
Poor Sam heads on down to the crypt to tell Jon he is fucking his aunt.
Jon … says Sam.
Im sorry to have to tell you this.
But you are in fact fucking your aunt.
Wait, so, youre saying my dad is a liar?
No, Im saying youre fucking your … aunt, says Sam.
I have to be the KING??
Yes, but also, you are fucking your literal aunt, says Sam.
Wow, this sucks that my dad lied and I have to be the king, says Jon.
He makes a frowny face.
Sam explodes into one-thousand pieces.
Jon looks behind him.
Really good, man, says Chris Harrison.
Seems like a good strategy: Just look for them and see what happens.
I, for one, am shocked.
You really got me, Amanda Peets husband.
I will be thinking about this for decades.
Youd think theyd be happy about this, considering they were looking for zombies.
But no, they just burn him to (second) death.
But back to the little boy Umber.
Because he is all of us.
At the end of the episode, he was set on fire.
