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Tyrion convincing Jon Snow to pull off this murder via exactly one (1) four-minute conversation?
Jon Snow having his hair gel in prison?
Arya becoming a proud colonizer?
And now lets move on.
Grey Worm is randomly executing Lannister soldiers as a way to externalize his heartbreak.
Jon and Davos ask him not to, and hes like, Absolutely not.
I will leave this show only after I have totally destroyed the good will toward my character.
You should think about doing the same.
He slits a throat.
Tyrion is searching the burnt husk of the castle for his dead incest twin siblings.
He finds them beneath a pile of rocks and sobs, throwing bricks around (disrespectful, considering).
Jon Snow is not ready for the final Rose Ceremony.
His turmoil is clear in his desperate face and his frizzy hair, which he has unforgivably neglected.
Danys Large Adult Dragon son flies overhead, briefly swooping down to give Jon a wedgie.
She clears her throat.
This is the final Rose Ceremony, she screams.
he asks, tugging nervously on his wedgie.
Dany laughs, furls of black smoke escaping from her mouth.
I swallowed him, she says.
He is now speaking out of me.
This is the highest-rated reality-television series in the world.
We are changing minds.
We are changing lives.
She banishes Tyrion to prison.
Jon Snow gulps audibly like a cartoon character to indicate he is Experiencing Some Moral Confusion.
Arya and Jon are having an argument in front of all of the soldiers.
Jon gulps again and tugs his collar, looking straight at the camera.
What if Im not ready for a proposal?
Its only been a few weeks.
I hate this process.
How do I know if Ive met the one?
The processworks, she says, patting Jon on the shoulder.
Did Chris tell you to say that?
Arya winks and walks away.
Terrified that everyone in his life is actually a producer forThe Bachelor, Jon visits Tyrion in prison.
Should I marry Dany?
Weve had a complicated six weeks.
I love her, but shes my aunt, and her sons terrify me.
Oh, and she ate Chris Harrison.
Actually, I appreciate that part.
But the show has no host anymore.
So Im not really sure whos hosting the final Rose Ceremony?
Actually, you should murder her, says Tyrion.
Well, when you put it that way, says Jon.
and pulling down Jons pants.
Jon starts weeping uncontrollably.
Shit, dude, says Danys son.
Upstairs, Dany approaches the Iron Throne, where she herself will hold the final Rose Ceremony.
She strokes it longingly, imagining what it will be like to peg Jon Snow atop it.
Jon walks up behind her.
Isnt this sword chair hot?
Ive been aroused by it since I was a child.
She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
Uh, Dany, listen, he says, twiddling his thumbs.
You burned some kids to death.
I dont know how tofeelabout that, exactly.
Chris Harrison speaks from Danys mouth.
Its all part of the process, Jon!!!
he screams, his voice desperate and echoey, trapped inside a dark tunnel.
Dany swallows hard and Chris is silenced.
Dany looks at Jon.
Its not easy to be a woman on this show, you know, she says.
The producers made me get naked in episode ONE.
My brother touched my BOOB.
I was raped multiple times and then I had to fall in love with my rapist.
I had to get naked again inside a FIRE.
I never got any fireside chatting scenes.
And now I have to act like Stalin for no reason.
That all sounds really hard.
Dany, will you accept this final rose?
Ive been waiting so long to hear you say that, she says, weeping.
Does this mean were engaged?
No, sorry, he says.
Im not ready for a proposal.
Her son from downstairs approaches the two of them.
he says to Jon.
The snow thing was just a practical joke.
He torches the Iron Throne, symbolically pointing out that it is stupid.
Ever heard of Galaxy Brain?
You should try it.
Months (?!)
have gone by, according to Tyrions beard.
Definitely isnt interesting at all to us what happened in the months after Danys death.
Jon is in prison.
Tyrion gets a brief reprieve to help decide (?).
Edmure Tully proposes himself; Sansa is like, Sit the absolute fuck down.
Ultimately, everyone chooses …Bran Fuckin Stark.
Bran Stark, Westeross douchiest start-up bro.
Bran Stark, who was too busy being uselessly psychic to be the warden of the North.
Bran Stark, who admittedly is not a person anymore.
Actually, you know, I think its the stories part.
Why do you think I came all this way?
The North is independent now, says Sansa, yanking on her domme harness.
Because, wow, do you suck.
He also orders everyone to jog barefoot from now on.
Running shoes are making our feet weak, he says.
My next app will track how many of you actually obey this order.
Jon Snow is regretting murdering Dany.
Do you think it was the right thing?
It did great ratings, sure, but did it make sense, from a story perspective?
I dont know, actually, says Tyrion.
Great q.
Jon sobs into his giant beard.
Oh, and you have to go back to the Nights Watch, says Tyrion.
I thought I was one of the primary protagonists and people were invested in a satisfying outcome for me?
Again, not super sure, says Tyrion.
But, uh, get ready, because we only have 20 minutes left to wrap this.
Its too late for that now.
He is a born-again virgin.
Both kick themselves for forgetting to unpack their palpable chemistry before the show ended.
Brans first meeting as king.
He pulls up a PowerPoint about Elon Musk.
This guy right here, says Bran, is the king I want to be like.
So lets do that.
Can we build alittle submarinetoday?
Hes not a king, though, says Tyrion.
Bran bursts out laughing.
Anyway, should we discuss official king stuff now?
Go for it, says Bran.
I have a lunch thing.
Everyone stares at each other dumbly.
Sam hands Tyrion a book, titledA Song of Ice and Fire.
Are you kidding me with this derivative meta shit?
No, says Sam, clearing his throat nerdily.
I wish I were.
Brienne quietly updates her blog under the table.
All of the Stark siblings are totally alone and doing jobs they didnt really want, save for Arya.
Jon approaches the Wall, already looking horny and disappointed.
Arya picks up some binoculars.
Jon hugsGhost, whom Amanda Peets husband couldsuddenly afford to CGI.
Bran is shown at lunch with Elon Musk, laughing as they scroll through photos of Grimes in slow-motion.
He ignores a FaceTime from Tyrion.
Jon and his band of merry Wildling snowmen march off into the unknown.
The music swells triumphantly, trying very hard to convince us that this is a Good Ending.
TheGame of Thronestheme is accompanied by vocals for the first time in the history of the series.
Hilariously, they are utterly unintelligible.
If this isnt a metaphor for the entire series, I dont know what is.
