Fiona Apple reached into the past to confront her rapist, middle-school bullies, and herself.
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She directly addresses women who have been abused by the same man who abused her.
She gets mad about a missing drum set.
Here, she walked us through the genesis of and meaning behind each song onFetch the Bolt Cutters.
(Read our full interview with Applehere.)
Then we broke up about a year later, so it wasnt about him anymore.
Which is how these things go.
The songs change who theyre about a lot.
Yes, it does.
Because a vibration happens.
Whether or not youre there to hear it.
I exist whether or not you see me.
These things about me are true whether or not you acknowledge them.
Thats at least thesecond verse.
I had this throbbing in my head.
And for some reason, I was able to do that, and the throbbing in my head left.
But then everybody was throbbing everything.
I knew then what life and death was.
And we all share it, and it sounds so cheesy.
But it wasnt in my head; it was out of it.
It was among us all.
It was something we were all in together.
It was like this place of home, this pulse we would all be in.
I felt like I had found it and everything felt so beautiful.
I felt like if I opened my eyes, maybe it would disappear.
But I opened my eyes and it was still happening.
I left the meditation hall, and it was still happening.
I walked down the hill, and there were these horses that never paid attention to me.
But I felt there was this understanding between us.
I felt all of this.
And after a while it went away.
But I remember that that was there.
It changed everything for me.
Just knowing, Okay, no matter what happens, thats where home is.
Thats what the reality is.
I know its there.
Shameika
Shameika is real.
When I first wrote the song, I was not entirely convinced she existed.
Because I have this one memory and its a very big memory for me.
But maybe I created this person.
My third-grade teacher, Linda Kunhardt, was my favorite teacher.
Ive kept in touch with her over the years.
I can see her … She sent me a picture of her.
I dont remember what grade she was in.
I was probably 11 or so.
I dont remember why she was talking to me.
I just remember being in the cafeteria, a bunch of girls at one end of the table.
I came over to sit with them, and they started laughing at me.
So I sat one seat away but still tried to be close to them.
Shameika came up, and she was like, Why are you trying to sit with those girls?
That was all she said to me.
But I had remembered that maybe she was a bully or something.
Shes just got this big smile on her face.
And, man, it is amazing.
Its all about how she got put up to do this thing in church, in the service.
And everybody was laughing because she was so cute and she messed up words or something.
And she was so pissed.
She was like, They used me to bring the people in there, to think it was cute.
I was like,This little kid realized what the fuck was going on.
Im terrified to think what if shes not a nice person nowadays?
Or maybe she hates me or something.
Id be afraid for her to hear it.
But I think about that little picture of her.
My middle-school experience is still so important to me.
Mainly because thats where my relationship to women started getting fucked up.
And I never got chosen.
We almost got arrested for weed possession.
I was like, David has brown skin, so he cannot be the one holding the pot.
Sebastian has long hair and a long beard; he cannot be the one holding the pot.
Im the little white girl, I need to be holding the pot.
So I said, Sebastian, eat the apple now, give me the pot.
And I put it in my sock, and he ate this disgusting apple really fast.
And then they got us out of the car.
There was a drug dog.
Theyre like, Oh, shes a white girl.
The dog just likes her.
They just wanted to get the guys in trouble.
Anyway, we got through that situation, so thats why Sebastian said that to me.
I was like, Oh, thank you.
Then I ended up being like, Wait, hold on.
Were not done yet.
I have another song coming.
I have something else to get out.
The album was going to be calledFetch the Bolt Cuttersbefore I had a song called Fetch the Bolt Cutters.
And I think Fetch the Bolt Cutters is probably the theme of it.
I know in theNew Yorkerpieceit says something like, What its about is not being afraid to speak.
But its more than that.
I wanted her to sing the line [Fetch the bolt cutters].
She brought her dogs, Leo and Alfie.
And then at the end of the song they erupted.
It was so perfect.
I wont say too much about it, but somebody said something I thought was offensive.
It was not the kind of dinner where youre supposed to call somebody out.
But I didnt want to be there in the first place.
So I called the guy out.
And may have messed the dinner up a little bit.
But I was right.
Thehiking-boot lineis like, Hey kid, I know youre using me.
Let me make this easier for you, little baby.
Like, Fucker, you dont think I see what youre doing right now?
You think youre fucking helping me?
I know youre using me.
Let me help you use me.
Leaves fall and I tap the rhythms.
Then the rhythms would continue all day.
Thats actually a reason why it takes me a long time to make records.
Its worse than an earworm.
So I have to not let my own work torture me.
Because then I get so sick of it; I hit a wall really fast.
And once I hit a wall, Im no good anymore.
Im not going to do any more good work.
I just always liked it.
Then you just put it on somebody else.
Theassault when I was 12made me think about innocence and guilt and forgiveness.
It made me think about a lot of big things.
Because the first thing I did after it happenedwaspray for him.
But you cant stop at praying for them.
You have to hold them responsible.
The Kavanaugh hearings in 2018 brought on a lot of shit to deal with.
I dont know what it is, that guy.
Just this indignant, How could you be mad at me?
Dont make me suffer.
But Im married, but I have kids, so I cant be a bad guy.
But I was just young, dont be so mean to me, that girls being mean to me.
Basically dealing with all of the 15-year-old kinds of resentments that I wouldve had.
I resent you for being raised right is funny to me.
Its really a terrible way to live.
People are just trying to fuck with people over the internet.
Rack of His
This song is about at least two relationships.
But thats the only time I ever told somebody.
I started writing it years ago, and I did a couple versions.
It was problematic because I just didnt like it.
And so I deconstructed it and put it back together.
It was very piano driven, and I had written it on the piano when I was very young.
It just didnt fit how I felt anymore.
It was a little too bouncy.
So I needed to redress it.
It just made me laugh so much.
Oh, I never finished that.
Oh, I know what line could come after that.
Newspaper
This is also about two specific people.
I dont think they will even be aware of it.
This stuff comes out of feeling myself suppressing the urge to reach out to them and be friends.
Thats how it all started, the writing.
I would write letters to my parents because they wouldnt listen to me.
I dont expect anything to come from it.
I have to express it somehow.
I dont think theyll hear it, but I have to say it anyway.
The tree has to fall, even if no ones around.
My sister Maudes vocals are on this, and during her vocals, she was breastfeeding.
And his mistress actually was his wife for the rest of his life.
They were married for 50 years.
But to her, she was always mad at this mistress.
And it was always like, Man, she didnt do it.
Our grandfather did it.
Your husband cheated on you.
She just fell in love with some guy.
Then they were together forever afterwards and had a family.
Be mad at the right person, dont feel mad at the wrong person.
Later on in life, Im with a guy.
I found out hes seeing some other woman.
I meet that other woman Im nice to that other woman.
She didnt do it.
She didnt cheat on me.
Maude is on Ladies, too.
Shes singing harmonies, and she wrote one of the background parts.
Like, Ladies, we better get into it, and like, Ladies are so nice.
On the line Im a fruit bat:
I like fruit bats.
I was thinking of like, Oh, that ladysbats, you know?
Shes bats, shes batty.
And uplifting, and like, Im all right, its okay, dont worry about me.
Im like strawberries, Im going to spread myself out and take over this whole garden.
Cosmonauts
Cosmonauts I wrote for Judd Apatows 2012movie,This Is 40.
I had recorded it withJon Brionfor the movie, but then he didnt use it.
Then we rerecorded it for this album, and I put a bunch of different vocals on it.
Like whatever you do, its going to be wrong.
I dont think long-term monogamy is impossible, just because you see it happen.
But I dont really want to.
I really just dont want to.
I like my life how it is, and I dont feel very romantic these days.
Its really a song for her.
To, in a roundabout way, tell her story that shes not able to tell.
On top of that, this person was so fucked up that they didnt know who she was.
And so she assumed they didnt know they had done this to her.
She spent years protecting him from the knowledge of that, and in so doing, really hurt herself.
She was like, Did it really happen?
And I was like, That sounds like it really fucking happened.
Yeah, thats rape.
Its hard to say something that harsh about it.
And of course it brings up stuff of my own.
It started out me wanting to write something about my own feelings, but it was just too hard.
I wanted to make it about not just me but about other people.
And this woman really got to me.
I misinterpreted it as that they were pissed at me and that they werent going to come back.
That was me sitting there going, Aw, nobody loves me.
Amy didnt actually take the drums from my house.
She took them out, but its because she had a gig.
I took it to mean everybody was mad at me.
Its the same thing I used to do when I was a kid.
I would open up the front door and just sing whatever came to my mind.
Then we recorded it in one take.
I was playing a chair, and we were all sitting in this one corner of my house.
I really like how that song feels.
If I found the voice-mail I sang it into, there would be absolutely no changes in the lyrics.
I may have sent a voice-mail to the band right away.
Its not a good idea to have any sarcasm or personality at all when youre dealing with cops.
Just politeness and, Okay, sir.
As much as it fucking hurts to do it, thats the lesson.
To be at peace with this concept is to be happy.
Thats what that song means, but I would start to just sing it while I was hiking.
It usually means that I end up singing along, at least in my head.
I do them because I enjoy doing them.
I do them for the doing of them, not for the results.
I dont want to prove anything anymore.
I dont do them for any other reason.
Theres no past, theres no present.
Its just happening; it just is.
And thats all right.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
