The Real Housewives of New York City
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Whats weird about this episode is that it is essentially divided into half.
This episode is kind of like an Oreo after you separate it.
Oh yes, this is going to be a lot of energy.
This is going to be the energy of an H-bomb landing on the Acme TNT factory.
The responses Dorinda gets as she tries to rouse the women from their tequila-addled slumbers are just as priceless.
Leah literally says, Grumble, grumble and rolls over and goes back to sleep.
Luann takes one look outside and sees the guys doing lunges to limber up.
Oh, lunges in the sun.
It is too hot for lunges in the sun, she says.
This ends up with Dorinda schooling these guys on exercise rather than the other way around.
Oh, here we go, Luann says.
Wait, they might be a couple, Leah says.
No, those are not gay shorts, Luann replies.
And she is right.
Both guys are wearing board shorts that kiss the upper ridges of their knees.
They would be identical Quicksilver monstrosities except for the variegation on the black and grey stripes are different.
Even that would not be enough.
Where are you headed?
she asks as they have already passed her but are now forced to turn around.
This is a pro at work.
This is advanced-level cruising and I am so pleased to see a straight woman employ it.
They tell them theyre staying at a resort nearby.
They all assess that the others are single and Luann says, You should come see the house.
Slow clap for Luann everyone.
This is exactly how it is done.
Something that rhymes with plucking?
Eventually Id start flirting with some boy and say, Want a tour of the house?
Id show them around, saving my room for last.
Luann didnt just learn about swimwear habits from gay men, she learned itall.
They get the guys back to the house and Leah thinks she should warn them.
These men should enter at their own risk because inside there are horny, insatiable women, she says.
This is the closest toMILF Islandthat were ever going to get on reality TV.
We learn their names are Philip and Pascal and theyre from Montreal.
The women invite them to join them at dinner later, which they do.
What ensues is a nice, easy dinner featuring Philip and Pascal.
They dance at the table.
They order bottles of tequila with sparklers attached.
Pascal tells Ramona he thought they were the same age and hes 44.
Immediately after, Ramona approaches a field producer and says, Mark that down.
That is going in the show or I will not show up at the reunion.
Also, here is some True Renewal by Ramona skin cream for your mother.
It is so wonderful.
Why is this dinner so wonderful?
Because Dorinda isnt there.
Luann says in a confessional, Diarrhea has a way of showing up when you need it the most.
Of all the false things that a Real Housewife has ever uttered, this is by far the falsest.
Diarrhea has never, not even once, showed up at the right time.
The poor timing is part of the definition of diarrhea.
Otherwise its just a string of convenient and well-placed turds.
Heres my problem with Dorinda: every one of these blowups is exactly the same and so unnecessary.
Every week the women have to endure it and its like were being held hostage in a semi-abusive relationship.
The particulars of this blowup hardly even matter.
Its the same pattern every time.
Every time shes in the wrong but refuses to acknowledge it or acknowledge any evidence to the contrary.
Thats not the point.
No one is saying not to take the call.
Why not double-check its not an emergency and say, Can I call you back after lunch?
They attempt to show her that shes being unreasonable and they want her to stop, but she cant.
And this isnt even when shes drunk.
I just cant take it anymore.
Its ruining everyones fun.
He asks the trees, plants, and birds to all protect these women and their irritable bowels.
