The Real Housewives of New York City
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Okay, that might not be entirely correct.
I rewound that footage about a million times, zoomed in and replayed it.
It is my own personal Zapruder film.
(Zap-POO-der film, AMIRITE.)
We first see Ramona trying to plunge the toilet.
It is not going well and she apparently has no idea how to use a plunger,.
Leah enters the room and Ramona says, The toilet is clogged and I dont know how.
She tells Leah she did a number one, but we know this is false.
Leah and Ramona attempt to plunge the toilet again and it does not work.
When Ramona flushes it, Leah screams, Oh, theres a baby turd!
as she scurries from the room like a dead mouse just fell out of the sky at her feet.
This is when we first see the brown spot on the toilet seat.
Youre just going to push the paper and turds further into the tiny pipe that is causing the clog.
Ramona seems to know as little about pees and poos and number twos as she does about plumbing.
Why doesnt she want to make Dorinda mad?
That is because Dorinda is currently a monster made only out of rage and electricity.
Someone needs to throw her in a pool and short-circuit her.
Someone getMargaret Josephs on the horn.
Ramona thinks that Luann should be giving Sonja thousands to appear in the show.
When Luann says no and kicks Sonja out of the show, it becomes a whole kerfuffle.
For her part, Sonja cant even respond, shes so drunk.
Luann is quick to remind Ramona that what Sonja did was caburlesque.
Here are my thoughts on this fiasco.
While shes making good money, there are a lot of mouths to feed on this thing.
I get why Sonja gets an off-Broadway actors salary for the show.
However, unlike traditional cabaret, people are not paying to come see the Countess sing.
They are not coming to see off-Broadway actors do their one Sondheim audition song.
Theyre coming to see a Housewife.
That means, in this case, Sonja probably deserves a bit of a raise.
Dorinda is not ready to be as rational about this discussion.
She instead tells Luann that shes such a drunken mess she got a mugshot for it.
The Botox doesnt let her make a real crying face, but I dont see any moisture either.
Is Luann just dehydrated from the amount of rose she drank?
Luanns just drinking again.
As Luann is walking out the door with her giant Jovani tote, Dorinda screams, Feelin Jovani.
Thank god I got that for you and you never said thank you.
You had nothing and I got that for you and not a word.
Luann is trying to leave her house in tears and Dorinda is kicking her when she is down.
Youre wearing that shit and it suits you, she says slamming the door and just making it worse.
She drags Ramona along with her, and that is where the night cuts out.
We do not see Leah flirt with the scruffy bartender.
In the morning, Dorinda wakes up and pretends like nothing happened.
Dorinda just wont listen, especially in the heat of the moment.
So what recourse are the women left with?
You all know Colin.
Also in attendance is Heather Thompson Holla, former Real Housewife and fellow Berkshires resident.
Yeah, hes bisexual.
If you buy him something, hell be sexual.
Leah invited the bartender James to stop by and, boy, do I feel sorry for this guy.
First of all, hes totally Leahs throw in.
Hes tall, scruffy, handsome but in kind of a nerdy way.
He is also into casual living which Leah says means he has no money which is probably stunningly accurate.
How do we know what happened?
Did Leah bone the bartender or not?
Leah better have boned that bartender.
He took off his yellow bracelet and gave it to her.
I think I recorded everything, he told her.
He collected an envelope full of bills and got out of the car.
Jill Zarin just sat in the backseat and grinned.
She had everything set in motion for her master plan to finally work.
All she needed was for the world to stay exactly the same as it was then until March.
But how much can things change in four months?
The trees wont turn, the snow wont melt, the tides wont run backwards.
It was all finally going to work for Jill.
Finally, this time.
