The Real Housewives of New Jersey
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Teresa has been inflicted with a millennial-pinkI Dream of Jeanniepony.
Jennifers glam, meanwhile, puts me in mind ofTheBride of Frankenstein, particularly the extreme blush.
We spend approximately ten seconds on a topic weve tiptoed around all season: Joe Giudicesimminent deportation.
(Its hard and its tough, reveals Teresa, digging deep.)
Well have to wade further into the reunion for more.
I personally believe that every Housewifes surgical history should be available, Pokedex style, on bravotv.com.
Margaret confirms that, yes, her house was (is?)
in foreclosure as a result of a lawsuit from Vineyard Vines, but that everythings since been resolved.
I dont know, Im not a lawyer unlike Jackie, who apparently practiced from 2001 to 2008.
Dolores has not, in fact,moved out.
Andy asks Dolores if she likes Melissa, a.k.a.
I do … Mhmm.
In other, far more important news, little Frankie and his jawline are single.
Also, did we know Dolores used to work as a corrections officer in the Passaic County Jail?
Margaret is affronted to hear Jennifer call her friendsOklahoma propertya farmland.
Its not a farmland, first of all, its a ranch, Marge explains.
Farms grow vegetables, FYI.
Of Jennifers notorious 16 bathrooms, Margaret observes, I dont even have that many assholes in my house.
Jennifer snaps back, mystifyingly, You got enough assholes on you, sweetheart.
Sunsets have inspired a lot of poetry throughout history, including on this episode.
Jennifer defends talking up herParamus vistathusly: Honey, I wasnt saying, Whose dick was bigger?
I was saying, You like big dicks?
I got one, too.
Jennifer asks Margaret just how long she and Joe were together before she got divorced.
A little bit of a time, she says.
Well, how long is that?
More than a year.
Jennifer makes the exact expression Elsa Lanchesters face contorts into when the monstertakes her hand.
Marge will make this same face herself when Jennifer calls Marge Sr. a home-wrecker.
Time for the marquee bout: Goldschneider vs. Giudice.
Jackies version of the story, unsurprisingly, is very different.
Anybody that goes against me, do you see them in this room anymore?
No, theyre not here anymore.
So if I make it back another season, that means I win?
Again, point Jackie.
Youre a lawyer, but youre ablogger, Teresa sneers.
And maybe if you learned to read, youd like some of them, Jackie responds.
She has no compassionate, Tre explains,sic,of Jackieswhy-would-your-husband-be-in-jailanalogy.
She was trying to stick a dick to me.
I think its safe to say that, anatomically, this has been extremely confusing season ofRHONJ.
But Teresa didnt even write her book, Jackie says she even met the ghostwriter at Milaniaslistening party.
Teresa is so enraged she snatches Andys question cards, for some reason.
Tune in next week to find out how much bodily harm shes capable of doing with those.
