The Bachelor
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A man of this delicacy and refinement finds himself in Denver, Colorado.
What brings him here?
Someone falling through the ceiling of a liquor store and running off with a case of expired Four Loko?
No, this crime is the most egregious of them all: not being there for the right reasons.
The mere thought of the horrid crime is enough to turn the detectives stomach.
He pushes away the scone on his plate when the man who hired him walks into the dining car.
The fastidious detectives eyes glint as he stares down his benefactor.
He finally has an answer for him.
It wont be the answer he wants but it will be the answer he deserves.
After looking at all the evidence, conducting interviews, and relying on my superior intuition
OH MAN.
I WISH I HAD THAT.
The train enters a tunnel and is plunged into darkness.
When the train reemerges into the light, the detective is gone and Colton is left with another warning.
Hes been told by five ladytestants a full girlband, at this point that Caelynn and Cassie are.
What does he do?
Lets get into it.
The only way for Colton to deal with this heavy burden is to return to his ancestral homeland.
Who could he possibly talk to thats been in his situation?
Maybe someone who successfully turned their time onThe Bachelorinto a successful marriage?
He talks to Oatmeal.
Oatmeal tells him that hes maybe going to have difficult conversations with other adults.
The first date of the week goes to Tayshia.
Meanwhile, Cassie and Caelynn are being defensive defensively.
The fact that Cassie and Caelynn think they could carry the franchise is PREPOSTEROUS.
Coltons reaction is, Shit.
Heres what happened heres all we need to know.
Colton didnt want it to be true since Caelynn and Cassie are clearly two of his favorites.
Tayshia literally has to tell him to put more seasoning on the salmon because of course she does.
The biggest obstacle in her relationship will be her father, who will be appropriately skeptical.
Colton gives her a rose and leads her into a room where the magic doesnt happen.
His words, not mine.
Tayshia puts on a jersey with his number on it and his name on the back.
Colton tries to say, Maybe shell take my name in other ways too.
He really tuckered himself out with the magic doesnt happen line, didnt he?
The next date card arrives and its for Caelynn, because of course it is.
Caelynn and Colton meet on top of a mountain to snowboard and interrogate their relationship.
Colton is not good at starting a conversation: Youre a person.
Id like to know when you knew you were a person.
Caelynns reaction to Colton saying Tayshia said Caelynn was interested in being the Bachelorette is, Who?
Im starting to see what Hannah B. was talking about.
I better get a fucking rose because I will call that stupid bitch out isnt the right way.
Caelynn doesnt believe in tearing women down, unless theyre fucking bitches.
Anything about having feelings for Colton as a person or the strength of their relationship?
Nope, its all just vaguely about winning.
She somehow convinces him that she has real feelings for him.
Ive seen better acting in my level-D improv class.
Colton now knows that shes ready to be engaged and hes falling in love with her.
Caelynn gets a rose.
The next date card arrives and its for Hannah B.
But before Hannah B.s date, Caelynn decides to confront Tayshia for being such a lying, nasty bitch.
Caelynn tries to say that their friendship is now ruined.
You just said to Cassie that Tayshia doesnt know you and youre not in the same friend group.
Which is it, Caelynn?
Tayshia basically says Colton asked for her opinion and she gave it.
Coltons dad keeps telling him that he has an amazing gut and hes got to trust his gut.
The head-flick she gives when his mom asks if shes in love with him istoo much.
Colton takes her to the evening portion of their date in an airplane hangar.
Colton sends her home.
WHAT DOES THIS MAN WANT?
Hes lost all sense of direction and is openly contradicting himself.
Why are we giving him this kind of power if we know hes going to do this with it?
But the real issue is that Hannah B. doesnt make his wee-wee dance.
Hannah tells him to listen to people and be smart.
Thats SIX, Colton.
Youre one more cryptic warning away from creating your own S Club 7.
Dating is so much more than a means to marriage.
Theres an app out there where men will give you an allowance.
Youre single and in your early 20s.
Live for all of us.
Hannah G., Kirpa, Cassie, and Heather head out for the group date.
It ends up being a two-on-one within a matter of minutes.
Heather self-eliminates and Hannah G. gets a rose.
Both of these women are such non-entities, its almost as if both of those events didnt even happen.
The real drama is between Kirpa and Cassie.
Kirpa basically says they all saw red flags.
Cassie launches into an incomprehensible defense of herself and says that the girls are just making it up.
Theres no motive other than that you did that shit.
Cassie also says she really wants Colton to believe her.
I bet she does.
Colton thinks hes trusting his gut but I think hes trusting something a little lower.
Cassie confronts Kirpa about what she said and honestly, its some white-girl nonsense weve seen a hundred times.
Kirpa says that shes not the one who brought it up to him in the first place.
That was Katie, and why would Katie lie?
Katie is getting the edit of the year as a paragon of integrity.
Cassies big rebuttal is that Kirpa is desperate.
Youre all onThe Bachelor.Youre all desperate.
Caelynn walks into the room like she fucking owns the place and heads straight to Colton.
ABC decidesnot to give us the footageof this completely ridiculous scenario.
Whatever Caelynn said works, because Colton comes right out and gives Cassie the group date rose.
All this collusion and no fence-jump.
