The Bachelor
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The Bachelorexcept its Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman looking for a third.
…..
All right, fine.
Its week two ofThe Bachelorand we need to TALK ABOUT SOMETHING.
Billy Eichner straight up asked Colton if he was gay.
If you went to high school in the suburbs, its nothing you havent seen before.
But if the Bachelor CAME OUT in the middle of the season?
That would really be the most dramatic season.
Was that just me?
And the best part about it?
No one would be mad!
We would all be really happy for him.
Its come up in my group chats already.
Im just saying it would be a great twist.
Lets get into it.
This week there are two group dates and one one-on-one date.
We wake up with Colton and his Colton-Cam.
Someone needs to get him into an intro on-camera class.
Hes not good at the … um … speaking part of this job.
For this date, Its Tracey vs. Demi.
Their feud is ridiculous because theres literally no competitive element to this group date.
Tracey is scandalized that their stories have asexual undertone.Have you met them?
All they do is talk about how their house smells like titty sweat and expensive lube.
There are no undertones here.
Only clear, beautiful tones.
Tracey looks like Whitney Cummings if she worked at Aeropostale.
Tracey is also 31, which makes her a cougar.
But lets be real, if this show had ANY BALLS, they would have found a real cougar.
Im talking Ramona Singerlevel cougar.
A 31-year-old dating a 26-year-old does not a cougar make.
The ladies get on stage and tell stories of their memorable firsts.
Colton tells the story about the first time he told his teammates he was a virgin.
He claims that their response was, Wow, man.
A couple of the ladytestants tell stories that happened last night.
Dont tell Colton the story of your first rose.
Tracey is more upset at Demi than fat ladies at her gym.
Did we all seeTraceys old tweets, because that joke is TOPICAL!
Back at the house, the first one-on-one date card arrives.
Its for Hannah B. and its her birthday tomorrow.
Tracey, youre on a game show and the prize is Colton.
If you wanted a fair, mature experience, stick to eHarmony, maam.
That is Coltons rose to give out, and to touch it before he does sullies the whole thing.
How far are we taking this virginity thing this season?
Tracey sits down and tries to reason with someone who is doing Jessica Simpson circa 1999 cosplay.
Elyse, who is also an old, gets the group date rose.
Up next is Hannah B.s one-on-one date.
Oh, Hannah B.
They head out to the desert to ride horses and chill in a hot tub.
Colton asks her if shes ever seen rock formations like this and she asks if its Arizona-ish.
How the fuck is anyone supposed to answer that question?
She just cant do it.
She is not long for this world.
Oh no, girl.
This is not a compliment.
Weve been OVER THIS.
He was taught to wait until marriage.
He was focused on being a Division 1 athlete.
He forgot to fill out the proper sex forms and his sex license was lost in the mail.
Thats a completely normal amount of excuses, right?
Shes so full of anxiety and pain that she cant give her virginity to the person she marries.
Let me tell yall what Im NOT going to do.
Like, sure, its great that some people wait until marriage, and good for them.
It killed Hannah B. that she cant give the person she marries an abstract, conceptual gift.
She doesnt feel perfect because she got horny at some point in her teens and had sex.
THATS what is so damaging about this whole virginity narrative.
She gets the rose.
I could get if youve made it to your twenties and you havent had sex yet.
But never kissed anyone?
I hate to be judge-y, but all the hand-wringing about it makes it seem like a calculation.
You win an award!
Thank God someone is skewering this goddamn show.
He also says he just wanted a cameo onThe Goldbergs.
The date ends with half of the ladies getting to spend the night at the camp.
Heather tells Colton that shes a kiss-virgin as well as a sex-virgin.
Colton tells her that she knows her value and she has self-worth and shes not gonna settle.
SLUTS CAN HAVE VALUE AND SELF-WORTH AND REFUSE TO SETTLE, TOO.
Heather gets the group date rose.
Its time for the cocktail party and Demi is wearing something from a dELiA*s catalog.
Everyone starts spinning out.
The other move of genius was that she stole Colton away from that old-ass bitch Tracey.
Tracey is unable to handle the pressure and retreats up to the cougar den to cry.
Tracey is not long for this world.
Everyone else is freaking out that Demis behavior isnt appropriate.
This is what happens when you get this many pageant girls in the room concerned about winning Miss Congeniality.
The other memorable moment from this rose ceremony is when Onyeka interrupts Sydney and Colton with an air horn.
Sydney goes inside and gets a baking pan and a wooden spoon and meekly tries to make noise.
Then Onyeka refuses to let Colton be stolen.
By the last rose ceremony, Onyeka is going to be lining up 12 bullhorns,Simpsonsstyle.
Its finally time for the rose ceremony.
