The Bachelor
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Damn.Now I know how Popeyes felt when it ran out of them sandwiches.
Lets get to it.
One Eemeelies Bad Place is my Good Place.
Because, honestly, to every single woman on this season this is precisely what you signed up for.
According to Alayah, you get to have your cell phone back.
Plus, what kind of strategy is getting pissed with Peter?
The episode starts with quite possibly the funniest announcement for a trip ever.
Thats right, Cleveland, Ohio.
I thought this was a bit and he was going to be like, JK.
Youre going to Nashville.
But no, it really is time for a Cleveland Board of Tourismapproved montage about Cleveland.
Im fucking sorry, Peter.Supermanwas not from Cleveland.
He was born on the planet Krypton and landed in Smallville.
If you mean thecreatorsof Superman, Siegel and Shuster, then yes, Superman came from Cleveland.
For their part, the ladytestants are walking around the city saying, Wow!
I didnt expect Cleveland to be this nice.
With a vibrant downtown!
While I was single, my go-to move was to invite someone to my improv show.
On Victoria F. and Peters date there are two things to talk about.
First, Victoria F. toasts that their sons are going to have a hot mom and a successful dad.
So thats all Victoria F. sees herself bringing to the child-rearing equation.
The role of the mother is to be hot and the role of the father is to be successful.
Then Peter asks if Victoria F. wants sons.
What in the fresh feudal hell is this?
This is fucking terrifying.
Get me out of here.
This feels like a bad Am I the Asshole?
It could satisfy whatever record-label obligations it hasandmake Victoria F. so uncomfortable, shed turn into a human tear.
The big question is, what was Victoria F. so worried about?
Shes an adult human woman.
Peter just keeps repeating, Wait, what?
The guy from earlier?
and all Victoria F. can muster is Mmhmm.
She rushes off because shes so worried that Peter would run away from her and shed ruin the moment.
Victoria F. is a master at using her tears to get a boy to like her.
And of course, Peter runs right to her.
She gets the rose.
Its time for the group date and everyone except Kelsey is going.
These lil dummies have no idea what is about to happen.
They head to the Cleveland Browns stadium for a football game.
Um … theyre really tackling each other.
We all know about, like … concussions and shit, right?
Because if he does … twisted.
Victoria P. says that she has a back injury and she doesnt want to make it worse.
Do we know about this back injury?
Because this is a great ploy from a woman saying she hates to see Peter get manipulated.
This episode is crushing it.
Victoria P. will have no part of that and steals him away first.
Everyone gets mad as if thats not the exact way to play this game.
But thats not the only completely unacceptable thing because this is when Alayah returns.
I wasthat GIFof Sheree deviously laughing.
Alayah had time on Google and wants to clear her name.
She says that not only does she know Victoria P., but they took a trip to Vegas together.
All of the other ladytestants are freaking the fuck out and Peter has no idea what to do.
He keeps saying that theres no reason for Victoria P. to lie to him.
Yes, there is, and you just didnt see it because you want to bang her.
You believe anyone is trustworthybeforeyou bang them.
Victoria P. launches into another masterful weeping session and says, My truth is the truth.
My God, shes putting in WORK.
Peter stares into a shark tank and ultimately asks Alayah if she wants to come back to the season.
Alayah acts completely stunned that something like this would happen.
She was only passing through Cleveland and had no intention of staying.
She gets the group-date rose and you might see Natashas head spin a full 360 degrees.
Alayah also takes time to tell her gals that Victoria F. dated Chase Rice and the internet knows all.
They dance the polka and eat pierogilike they are exotic delights from another country.
Kelsey also claims that Peter is passionate about dancing the polka in town squares.
For the night portion of their date, Peter puts on aLove Actuallyesque turtleneck sweater.
I was wondering exactly what key in of hot Peter is and hesLove Actuallyhot.
Hes British interconnected-love-story-rom-com hot.
She gets the rose.
Shes a stone-cold bitch and I love her.
The whiplash between Victoria F.s weepy personality with Peter and this enraged vibe with Alayah is STARK.
At the cocktail party, Peter takes Victoria P. aside first and she flips out on him.
I dont want to talk to you right now.
We can talk right now.
I dont want to talk right now.
She says that she feels like Peter doesnt trust her and she would NEVER speak out against another woman.
Except if that woman is manipulative, but thats not her story to tell.
These women need a little perspective.
Alayah cant figure out why everyone is against her and she turns on the waterworks with Peter.
Peter just wanders the grounds of this Ohio manor while the women all accuse each other of being liars.
I wonder how many will do that …
