The Bachelor
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It can be hard sometimes to imagine what it would have been like to live in the past.
There are museums dedicated to putting you in the shoes of people in the past.
Watching a ladytestant eat some kind of weird meat for the second week in a row didnt defeat me.
No, it made me grow stronger.
I will defiantly raise my thumb to the sky.
You shall live another week, Colton.
Lets get to it.
Were in Thailand, now?
So youre telling me we can skip stopping in Random Midsize U.S. City before heading overseas?
My hope for this season is that the fantasy suite dates take place in Brainerd, Minnesota.
The first date card arrives and its for Heather!
Maybe shell be able to lose her kissing virginity.
Both one-on-one dates this week are boat-based.
Lets chat about this whole Ive never kissed anyone and Im 23 thing.
Is there some religious sect that teaches that kissing is just the devil traveling in our spit?
I dont care how special and important sex is for you; kissing is not a big deal.
No one is sitting around reassuring themselves that their future spouse is saving their lip cherry just for you.
I desperately want to hear that dudes side of the story.
Of course, this one-on-one date is just a setup for Heather to kiss Colton.
They end up on the beach and suddenly theres fireworks and Colton grabs Heathers head and kisses her.
Is the moment romantic?
Does it look like a good kiss?
She does not need this moment on national television.
It should have happened in Jimmy Kiels basement in eighth grade.
Heather gets a rose.
Its time for the arrival of the group date card.
I mean, she breaks up with him.
This is a hot-bitch strategy.
She also arrives at Coltons door and says, Can I steal you for a minute?
Elyse wishes she could ask Chris Harrison for all the one-on-one dates for the next year.
I would hope a year from now, Chris Harrison still isnt dictating your date nights.
She says that they have a great connection, theyre attracted to each other, but she cant stay.
She hates competing with other women, but its not about jealousy and insecurity.
Elyse, thats the whole premise of the show.
Also, once she actually leaves his hotel room, she immediately regrets her decision and calls herself stupid.
She flew too close to the sun.
Its group date time!
Another strange date in a foreign country where the women end up eating bugs.
I mean, Demi confronted Colton and Courtney went home.
In 100 percent of their experiments so far, this tactic has worked.
Onyeka insists that its not a rumor because Elyse told her.
Anyone who watchesJudge Judyknows she doesnt want to know what someone told you.
Also on this group-date cocktail party, Hannah B. tells Colton that shes falling in love with him.
She has eaten a fish eye and a worm for this man.
She aint going anywhere.
I was there for that conversation and she didnt say that.
Onyeka has not calculated more than one step ahead in this brilliant plan.
Hannah B. gets the group-date rose.
Its time for Cassie and Coltons one-on-one date.
Colton and Cassie make out for three hours in the ocean.
Meanwhile, the ladytestants sit at home, freaking out about how Colton acts around Cassie.
Everyone can tell theyre just fighting for second place.
In what community do your neighbors care if youre a virgin or not?
Colton tells Cassie he would never judge her.
They end up in bed together at Coltons hotel suite.
She gets the one-on-one-date rose.
Its time for the cocktail party and theres nothing happening aside from the feud between Onyeka and Nicole.
Nicole tells Colton that Onyeka has been bullying her and belittling her.
Onyeka has been going around telling everyone that Nicole is unstable.
From what it looks like, Nicole is just an easy crier, and I can relate.
Colton says he cant have a bully in the house and it makes him sick.
He takes Onyeka aside and tells her that Nicole has made these accusations about her.
Onyekas first reaction is to roll her eyes and go, Shes a LIAR.
Thats exactly how an actual bully would react when confronted.
I would never call someone mentally unstable.
(Shes literally a psycho.
)I dont want to come into this talking about Nicole.
(I can say things to tear you down.)
YOU LIED TO HIM.
Nicole and Onyeka start talking over each other while Colton is talking to Katie.
Colton storms off and Onyeka and Nicole both take a stab at calm him down.
Colton looks for a fence to jump but there isnt one.
TO BE CONTINUED …
