The Bachelor
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Id love to know whats rolling around in that bandaged head of his.
Because honestly, I need Peter to look inside himself and realize that hes a Carrie.
He thinks hes a Charlotte but hes a goddamn Carrie.
And listen, hes not even the fun aspects of Carrie.
Hesmiddle of season three Carrie.The Worst Carrie.
Peter is self-sabotaging all over the place and has completely conflated drama with … passion, I guess?
Peter keeps waking up in a cold sweat because Aiden is too loving.
The biggest issue is that neither Peter nor the audience knows a single thing about these women.
I know more about the Miss USA pageant drama than I do about Victoria F.s home life.
Well, I know thatMarlin Lives Matter in her home.
Lets get to this mess.
Were starting the episode in Lima, Peru!
Another place for Peter to show off his ninth-grade Spanish!
But Im getting ahead of myself.
What does any of that mean?
How many kids does he want?
Where does he want to live?
UNCLEAR but hes SERIOUS!
This is some Carrie bullshit.
The first date card arrives the next morning and its Madison!
Natasha still hasnt had a one-on-one but its time for Peters second one-on-ones with everyone else!
Peter and Madison head out for a fishing-themed date.
Its totally something he would do.
While Peter and Maddy wait, has anyone heard this nickname before?
This is adorable and feels really sweet!
ABC, get it together!
We want to see the cute nicknames and lil romantic rituals.
Shes looking for a man of faith who will be the spiritual leader of the household.
Are we really trying to hand men more responsibilities in 2020?
Guess what, Maddy!
PETER IS NOT SAYING HE WANTS TO BE THE RELIGIOUS LEADER IN YOUR HOME.
Madison gets the rose.
Up next is his date with Natasha.
We all knew what was happening on this date before we even got there.
There was no romantic boat ride or trip up the mountains on the back of an alpaca.
The walking around the city date this late in the season?
Youre being let down easy, Natasha.
At the night portion of the date, Peter asks if Natasha sees anything special between them.
She also says that she needs to suspend her feelings until she knows how this will all play out.
Peter is not interested in any of that shit.
He has a strong friendship with Natasha but a wife is not a friend!
Peter has to send Natasha home and he tells her that shes going to find someone.
Peter needs to quit that shit.
Its not helpful, its not comforting, its condescending.
Its time for Kelseys one-on-one date.
This date is also completely up Peters alley.
I guess Ill have to take his word for what his hobbies and interests are.
Kelsey doesnt want Peter to wonder why no one would bring up her dad or where he would be.
Peter says that his relationship with Kelsey has been unique and hes gotten the validation he needs from her.
What the actual fuck does that mean?
Peters favorite female wrestler is clearly Lacey Evans and thats a problem.
She gets the rose.
Its time for the final three-on-one date.
Victoria F., Kelley, and Hannah Ann are going on the date.
Kelley is going home, right?
I mean… do we even have to do this?
She basically drew hearts over the Is.
This list was written this morning.
Peter grabs Kelley and she basically tells him, Are you a fucking moron?
We have fun and a relationship can be easy and fun.
you’ve got the option to hear Peters brain melting out of his ears.
A … fun … relationship?
Peter tells her that he doesnt like that she uses the wordfunso much.
Get over yourself, Daniel Day-Lewis.
Its bleak, but its what hes dealing with.
All that explains Victoria F.s continued presence.
I havent seen anything between them that implies that either of them is enjoying themselves.
So of course, Peter gives her a rose first.
Peter even says that he could see having a lifelong friendship with Kelley but FRIEND IS NOT WIFE!
Theyre off to hometowns with four emotionally immature women!
Theres no way this isnt going to end poorly!
