The Bachelor
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
HAHAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD PETER IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD.
Hes just TERRIBLE at this.
Hes POSITIVELY AWFUL at whatever it means to be the Bachelor.
You know how every office has a person that youre like, How do they still have this job?
I saw them photocopy a sandwich?
That person is Peter.
Peter is so bad at being the Bachelor that Im missing the halcyon days of Nick Viall.
If you give him the easy way out, hes going to take it.
Why do you think he canceled the second cocktail party of THIS THREE-HOUR EPISODE?
Was it because he got clarity after talking to Kelsey in his hotel suite?
No, its because he didnt want to get screamed at by all the ladytestants again.
People having opinions about his actions was too much.
But thats not the only problem.
Is he fucking stupid?
(1) its bad Bachelor practice to be too effusive too fast.
(2) Peters pop in seems to be villain in a Freeform hour-long drama about aspiring social-media consultants.
Every single ladytestant looks like a woman who made you feel bad at SoulCycle.
The drama isnt going away because the drama is coming from inside the house.
Lets get to it.
At the beginning of these three hours, were still in Cleveland.
Everyone is still freaking the fuck out.
Peter is just standing as close as possible to the wall without touching it.
Someone says that Alayah is just there for the rose and to be on TV.Yeah.So are all of you.
Thats the conceit of this game show.
Natasha says Alayah made her bed, and now she needs toAlayahin it.
Sydney says that maybe Peter isnt ready for a Sydney, and he just needs an Alayah.
Theyre all real proud.
So what does Peter do?
He sends Alayah home because its just too hard.
What should he do?
After the most cursory attempt at a cocktail party, time for the Rose Ceremony.
He cant really draw boundaries or express interest without going all in.
But weve got an international destination to head to: Costa Rica!
This is Michael Scott falls into a koi pondlevel embarrassing.
Are we sure we should be letting this man fly planes?
Its time for the first date of the week.
Peter takes Sydney up in a helicopter, the one sky vehicle he cannot fly.
They zoom around a volcano and Sydney says theyre flying away from all the negativity.
Is he planning to flee the country?
I wish the show had literallyanyonewho could relate to what Sydney was talking about in an honest way.
She gets the rose.
Okay,The Bacheloris just complicit in the Instagram-to-Bachelorpipeline now.
The group date is aCosmopolitanbikini fashion shoot and the winner gets a cover shot with Peter.
Victoria F. ends up winning the group date and poses with Peter for the cover shot.
But thats like … about Tammy, and not about Kelsey.
Hes just like, Bitch, are you nuts?
Kelseys response is, Did I cry yesterday?
But did I also drink a bottle of wine?
Natasha also says that she just journals and chills with herself.
Tammy starts to chime in and says, You were upset over a bottle of Champagne for four days.
Okay, so Tammy said it.
Hannah Ann gets the group-date rose.
Dear, sweet Peter.
Fate isnt telling you youre supposed to marry anyone you bang at a wedding.
She gets the rose.
This is the drama that I want.
This is a hot-bitch move!
Kelsey went full-out and shes going to be on mat in Tona!
Everyone is like, Where is Kelsey going?
Where do you dummiesthinkKelsey is going?
Shes going to grab her fucking destiny.
HES SO BAD AT THIS.
Or he just doesnt give a fuck, and I cant tell which one is funnier.
Then he makes the single worst decision he could ever make: He gives Kelsey the rose.
Whatever producer let him do this deserves a goddamn raise.
He tells her to sport the rose proudly when she returns to the house.
Everyone keeps talking about how Tammy is the chaos agent, but its fucking Peter.
Some of the women even ask Chris Harrison why there isnt a cocktail party.
You dont question Chris Harrison.
You dont stare into the sun and ask why it burns.
Then the producers just let them all … sit there.
It doesnt take anyone long to turn on each other.
Mykenna was going to SHOW PETER HER HEART, and shed already rehearsed her sob story for him.
Kelsey finally tells Tammy that Tammy was spreading rumors that Kelsey was popping pills and drinking.
Multiple people chime in that they heard Tammy say she spread that rumor.
Tammy says, No, but also yes, I did do that.
She heard it from Victoria P., and Victoria P. will not be brought into this.
She already defeated Alayah, and shes not climbing down from the mountain to face any new challengers.
Kelsey says the only pills shes popping are for her ADHD and her birth-control pills.
The other ladytestants smell the blood in the water and start circling Tammy.
Lexi says that Tammy is blaming them for her relationship not moving forward.
Tammy tries to deflect onto Sydney with Alayah-gate, and Sydney just tells her to shut the fuck up.
Tammy jumps up and tells Sydney to shut the fuck up.
Sydney goes into classic mean-girl tactics and starts repeating, Oh my God, yourecrazy.Yourenuts.Tammy is apsycho.
I got seventh-grade flashbacks.
Mykenna is full-on scream-crying, and Sydney unhinges her jaw so she can laugh harder at Tammy.
Up is down, in is out, the Rose Ceremony is the cocktail party.
This is unbelievably messy and I cant stand it.
Im buzzing with excitement.
I want Peter to bring 13 new women in and reveal that hes been a Catfish this whole time.
He cant tell the difference nor does he care.
See you Wednesday for this weeks second episode!
