The Bachelor
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Do you love New Years Eve?
Do you love watching crowds of people huddled in the cold?
Do you think NBCs New Years Eve celebration had too much Chrissy Teigen?!
I have zero angst or stress about Colton being a virgin.
Being a virgin is not a personality.
Its barely a descriptor.
Theyd be like Cool.
Thats 99 percent of his responsibilities here.
So amongst all this live Bachelor Nation party footage, what do we get?
A montage about Bachelor babies (Where is Seans baby?)
that includes the jarring appearance of Arie and Lauren.
They really think we like them and we do not.
Seeing a child say, My mommy and daddy met onThe Bachelor is the bleakest sentence of 2019.
Im calling it now.
Krystal and Goose are sitting in a hot tub on the roof of the studio?
READ THE CULTURAL MOMENT, CHRIS.
Thats the bleakest sentence of 2019.
So after an hour of filler bitches, its time for the filler bitches.
Lets get to it.
(Oh, quick note: Were pretending that Tia and Coltons time onBachelor in Paradisedoesnt exist.
Colton asks for privacy during this trying time.)
This whole thing feels as slapped-together as a midterm paper that you started the night before.
Gimme a real nerd who still hasnt figured out that bootcut jeans arent for them.
Theyre for nobody.Theres Heather, whose occupation is Never Been Kissed.
She also went to one of Coltons charity events to meet him.
Then she signed up forThe Bachelor.She wants her first kiss to be with Colton.
This is an episode ofBlack Mirror.
So Demis first visit with her mom will be with Colton.
Host Chris asks him if he remembers what he said to Becca.
Colton says Yes, I remember my walk up.
Then you dont remember, Colton.
Demi is the first to arrive and she has a nightmarish 2005 matching two-piece set.
Cassie arrives with a box and says that shes got butterflies.
SomewhereAsia OHara pissed herself.
Colton picks one up and puts it in his pocket.
Im here to talk about THE SLOTH.
Homegirl isnt just wearing a cute onesie or a mask with a cocktail dress.
Its like someone asked a beginning improv student to create a character, and its perfect.
Catherine arrives and she is 26 but looks like a Real Housewife from one of the newer white cities.
What is her tactic?
Shes going to give Colton her 10-year-old dog to take care of for the entire season.
Once everyone has arrived, its time for the cocktail party.
Colton has to deliver the intro-to-the-season speech, and it is rough.
Colton is not going to parlay this into an on-camera position or the now-inevitable podcast.
and his answer is his answer.
Colton says that hes had more experience in his life and its made him more man than most 30-year-olds.
Someone from Alaska put a dead salmon in the pool.
Tayshia rode him like a pony.
The Sloth-Ass Bitch was in a tree.
Ceci nest pas une cocktail party.
If this season keeps up a real absurdist vibe, Im in.
So she steals him back.
I already love this dumb bitch.
All the other ladytestants watch Catherine assert her dominance, and Onyeka decides to right this grave injustice.
Thats the single funniest line thats ever been uttered on this program.
Its genuinely funny and should be on a T-shirt and a tote bag.
Catherine steals Colton back AGAIN.
This is the greatest cocktail-party strategy in American history.
All of the other ladytestants are sitting inside freaking out.
Why are you freaking out, ladytestants?
Just go steal him.
Were 57 seasons into this franchise.
No one gets points for politeness.
Onyeka decides to take Catherine aside and appeal to her greater human decency.
Onyeka knows that Catherine wont steal Colton again.
Catherine steals Colton again.
Colton ends up giving the first-impression rose to … one of the Hannahs.
The girls even go Oh.
They make out a lot.
Catherine acted as if she had a time turner and that bitch is getting a rose.
But before the rose ceremony, theres a montage of Chris Harrisons best moments introduced by his mom.
Is … he ill?
A 23-year-old cries that she wont find anybody.
This is truly the bleakest season.
