The Bachelor
Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Im totally and completely fine with this.
Inject thisdirectlyinto my veins.
I feel like Emperor Palpatine, and their crying in the bathroom of Delta Psi energy makes me stronger.
Yesssss,yesssss, keep asking each other what doyouwant to do, it makes me more powerful!
Yesssssssssss,yessssssssssssssss, put your facevery close to her facebecause you still feel that spark!
That spark is the thing that keeps me thriving!
DoesntThe Bachelorwant me to be happy for once in my pitiful, meaningless little life?
Were six days into 2020 and its already unbearable.
Cant we just have this one thing?
Because apparently, there is no need to respect rules or decorum on this season at all.
IsTop Gunthe boy version ofCaptain Marvel?
Lets get to it.
Its a three-hour episode.
The only thing we have to cover in Peters Can you believe Im the Bachelor, aw shucks!
montage is when he recites an impossibly long saying with his mom in Spanish: Dont despair!
… Let the waters run … that which is for you will never get lost or die.
Peter, My parents have been married for 31 years and Enjoys sex are not personality traits.
You gotta read a book or learn to knit or something.
Its time to meet some of the ladytestants.
Up next is Hannah Ann from Knoxville.
Her personality is from Tennessee and has a dad.
Shes perfect and I worship her.
Victorias life story also includes a traumatic ride on the Teacups when she was a kid and threw up.
Now,thatsa personality.
Kelley is the woman who met Peter at a hotel before the season.
And, like … they banged, right?
Thats the only explanation for how invested they both are in this completely chance encounter.
Theres Madison, who is basically Hannah Brown but with basketball instead of pageants.
And theres Maurissa, who was Miss Montana Teen and is African-American.
I GOTTA know how she ended up there.
The first girl out the limo is Alayah andDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN.
This bitch is STACKED.
Sara literally tells him hubba-hubba and Deandra is dressed as the windmill.
So is she saying that she wants Peter to bang … inside her?
Victoria F. tells him in so many words that shes got a juicy undercarriage.
I said, Thats the only dry thing about me.
Did you get it?
Then there are the plane puns and flight attendants.
I had no idea there still were young flight attendants.
Oh yeah, then SOME BITCH JUST GIVES HIM A COW AND THEN WALKS INSIDE THE HOUSE.
Everyone in the house thinks its a pony.
I screamed alone in my home.
The last woman out of the limo is Hela, the Goddess of Death.
Oh, Im sorry.
She gives him back the wing pin he gave her on the first night and wishes him well.
She then crawls into a vent to lie in wait for her moment.
Theres always the strategy that Natasha and Mykenna take to get time with Peter.
Mykenna throws paper planes to interrupt him and Natasha.
Fly away on it.
I think thats the name of the Rihanna album we will never get.
When its time for the rose ceremony, the sun is up and knives are out!
Its time for the first dates of the season!
Weve got three hours to fill!
Its the first of what I can only assume are many, many plane-themed dates.
Peter washes a little plane with his shirt off and sprays the hose into his mouth.
Im not saying that its not impressive to be an airline pilot.
Im saying its not impressive to be an airline pilot next to two fucking legit badass pilots.
They have to go into a gyroscope to test what turbulence is like.
I have never been on a flight where the plane spun in multiple directions.
Is that what flying Deltais like?
Its time for the final obstacle course and it comes down to Kelley and Tammy on lil tricycles.
Tammy keeps yelling, Youre cheating!
Shes not cheating; youre losing.
Madison gets the first one-on-one date and its heading to Peters parents house for their vow-renewal ceremony.
Go head, Denise!
She gets the rose.
Its time for the second group date where Hannah will completely upend the process, to my delight.
A voice crackles out from the rusted-out speaker taunting them: The Beast is back, bitches.
Okay, not exactly.
That makes a lot come into perspectivereal quick.
Why didnt she ask him out?
Does she regret breaking up with him?
Does she want to join the house?
Hannahs mascara has run down her entire face and Peter just wants to kiss her.
TO BE CONTINUED …
