The Bachelorette
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The year is 1848 and Mary-Ellen Elizabeth Brown is making her way in the Wild West.
Its hard being a single woman in the youngest wilds of America.
Being the newest female arrival in this gold-rush town, Mary-Ellen Elizabeth is a hot commodity.
Two of them are decent fellows, a breeches-maker and a milliner.
Honest trades for honest men.
But the other two?
Of course, the revival preacher is a chowderhead and a stumblebum, but theres goodness in his heart!
So what does our plucky heroine do?
She picks all four of them, because shes arube.
How do I know this?
Because Hannah Brown, our plucky heroine, is a rube.
Shes been taken in by two con men of the highest order and shes happy to do it.
There is aliteralMusic Man selling her the promise of a beautiful future.
Lukes family basically tells her, Well, Luke has always been nice to me.
I would hope so, Parker family.
What does Hannah do with this information?
She takes both of them to Fantasy Suites.
Plus this whole Jedthing,which Im sure will take up about half of the reunion.
Not Tyler or Peter.
Hannah is a sweet girl.
No one is doubting that.
She possesses the punch in of energy that great-grandmas really enjoy.
Unfortunately for all of us, Hannah is justso gulliblein the way that all 24-year-olds are.
Weve all made some mistakes at 24 because we believed that Josh would change.
This is some bullshit, 24-year-old, naive-ass logic.
Lets get to it.
This episode followed a pretty standardBachelorettehometown pattern.
But no, were living in the Upside Down, and two flimflam men are still with us.
And everyone is pissed about it.
The first hometown visit is Peters in Westlake Village, California.
Its just around the way from the Bachelor Mansion, and for some reason that made me painfully sad.
Peter keeps condoms in his car, which makes sense because he drives a Mercedes.
Are you wet yet, ladies?
His dad starts to cry because he loves that his son is in love so much.
I want Peters family to be the next Bachelor if Mike is unavailable.
Up next is Jupiter, Florida.
Tyler wants to spend the day staring into Hannahs eyes and telling her how important and beautiful she is.
Shes his light guiding him home.
Shes going to carry him over the rough seas of life.
Theres the Loxahatchee River.
Shes also the Seminole word for river of turtles.
Tylers dad is Americas sweetest man, and I would give my life for his.
NOT THAT WE HEARD ANY OF THIS FROM HIM beyond a cursory introduction of his fathers illness.
While Hannah greets Tylers family, Tyler just hugs his dad and his dad calls him buddy.
Tyler is too pure for this world.
To be hot in Jupiter, Florida.
Youre just on a different track.
While the car is running and the driver is in the front seat.
This is exactly the energy that Hannah needs, but shes blinded by … Luke and all his bullshit.
His family insists that theres another Luke, a better, different Luke.
If there is, could that Luke show up, c’mon?
Also, the shot of everyone praying over Luke and Hannah looked like a deleted scene fromMidsommar.
They also cant picture any scenario in which their son would rub anyone the wrong way.
Theres no work that Luke has to do except be more Luke.
Is there any more terrifying thought?
A more Luke Luke?
Thats not what you want to say to your future husband.
Or someone who just fell off the wagon.
You didnt wet your pants the whole day!
works in both situations.
Finally, theres Jeds hometown date.
Without looking up from his phone, my boyfriend asked, Is Jeds girlfriend going to be there?
Also, every woman in his life tells Hannah to run.
His sister literally says that falling in love with Hannah is not a good thing for him.
Unfortunately, hes the only one Hannah has said shes falling for.
Again, what a damn rube.
You dont marry the hot guitar player.
I dont wanna be in the same category with someone who is a constant toxin.
A toss-up between him and me now?
I dont know, I dont know, dude.
Thats all about him and his image.
This is about to get more interesting, and I need Hannah to wise up.
Next week: Fantasy Suites!
