The Bachelorette
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Weve got to establish a minimum age forThe Bachelorette.
Before you hit me with your hot takes, allow me to say back off.
Not only is Hannah too young Luke P. iswaytoo goddamn young.
The idea that either of these people could be entering a lifelong and legally documented commitment is terrifying.
And Luke P. Luke P. is sooooooooo young.
He hasnt been beaten down by life to become humble.
Hes never been fired from his job at Coldstone Creamery during the Fourth of July ice-cream rush.
Lets get to it.
Were still dealing with the Lukes fiasco.
Luke S.s tequila business isnt even off the ground!
She goes and stares into a fire, Monseigneur Claude Frollo style.
Is that … better?
Host Chris comes in and tells all the guys that the night is over.
Hannah has fled the beautiful Gilded Age mansion because the walls are closing in.The Bacheloretteis her gilded cage.
The cocktail party is over and theyre heading straight into the rose ceremony.
Some dudes allegedly named Dustin and Devin and Kevin are frustrated that they havent gotten any time with Hannah.
Luke S. tells Hannah to keep her eyes open and she knows what hes talking about.
Youre eliminating yourself and you better get yourself more time at the reunion.
Luke S. heads out and doesnt even get an exit interview.
Host Chris takes one rose away and itsfinallytime for the rose ceremony.
The real shocker of the season is that JOHN PAUL JONES is going home so soon.
We didnt get nearly enough post-credit sequences of him shaking his hair in the wind.
She knows that there are red flags everywhere so she wants to explore the relationship further.
Hannah would be the person in a horror movie to suggest going deeper into the haunted forest.
Instead, Hannah says that theyre heading to Scotland.
Luke takes this time to make a toast where he stares directly into Hannahs soul with unflinching romantic terror.
Its time for the first date of the week in Scotland.
Hannah is ready to put all the drama behind her and have a good time.
All the guys are in a bar drinking when Hannah strolls in and plucks up Mike for her date.
This date functions as MikesBacheloraudition reel, and hes won my cynical ass over.
While theyre having a delightful time, Lukes mouth has morphed into a completely straight line.
One thing he literally says is Be my best self to be myself.
Bitch, Im tired.
THEN EVERYONE STARTS SAYING THE LUKE NESS MONSTER.
Everyone is really proud of themselves, and whoever started this nickname is really doing the Lords work.
Anyway, Mike and Hannahs date is adorable because Mike is a lil sweetie pie.
Hannah smells a book and puts a goose egg up to her ear.
Im worried about her.
This is WAY better than someone trying to decipher the Im starting to fall in love with you timeline.
He gets the rose.
Everyone is excited to have a fun day without Luke.
They all have to put on kilts and roll around on the ground.
Also, Hannah keeps getting these roll around and fight dates.
Can we not equate violence with manliness?
Jed pours milk on himself and he gets the group date rose after Hannah straddles him in a hallway.
Its time for Lukes one-on-one date.
My god, Hannah, DUMP HIM.
He makes you feel terrible and like a crazy person.
The phrase youve used the most with him is red flags.
That in and of itself is a red flag.
Luke meets Hannah on top of a cliff because we need some visual metaphors on this show.
Her problem is that he isnt real enough.
Hes not honest enough when it comes to admitting his myriad flaws.
At one point, she begs him to talk about if he likes mac and cheese or spaghetti more.
Do not ask him about pasta.
She also makes the mistake of accepting when he strangely tries to assign some blame to her?
In a weird way?
She says, Sure!
Because I can be on my knees in church crying and praying and a devilish bitch the next.
This performative humanity on your end is tiring.
kindly stop screaming I WANT FEELINGS at a man who has demonstrated he has no interest in them.
The future-husband road is still on the table?
To be continued …
