The Bachelorette
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Have a square-jawed lunk show up at the beautiful Bachelorettes El Presidente hotel suite once, shame on you.
I thought things had changed.
I thought things were better.
After the year weve all had, dont we deserve a happy ending without any twists and turns?
But now, I just feel like a fool.
Werent we all having a great time?
But I guess the goofballs that run this show just cant fucking help themselves.
Cant you just let us have this?
Lets get to it.
Its time for the Fantasy Suites.
Shes ready for intimacy.
And nothing says great television like a protagonist with no tension, no goals, and no conflict.
Zac and Brewndawn are both a little stressed about potentially getting engaged and married again.
Zac says there isnt anybody who wants to stack divorces.
Zac is a real delight this episode and Im ready for him to shine.
To prepare Tayshia for her three evenings, shes visited by two Bachelorettes of Fantasy Suites past.
I want you to think right now: Who was JoJos third Fantasy Suite date?
We all remember Jordan, former quarterback, and Robby, sentient Beach Day Ken.
But who was the third guy?
What color was his vintage cotton henley tee?
If you said Chase, congratulations on Googling.
JoJo asks Tayshia how shes feeling and Tayshia says she feels a lot of positives with a few hesitations.
Tayshia says shes the kind of person who can make almost any relationship work.
So all weve got is Tayshia is looking for clarity about things with people.
He makes direct and sustained eye contact with Brewndawn whenever he says the words proposal and marriage.
Thats what we in the biz callforeshadowing.The first date of the week goes to Ivan!
The other contesticles agree that Ivan is an upstanding gentleman with extraordinary understanding and social status.
Hes a suitable match!
The show is also officially out of date ideas.
It meant nothing and revealed nothing about Tayshia and Ivans relationship.
This should be a Week Three date onBachelor in Paradiseand not a Fantasy Suite Week date.
It went on too long and quite honestly, made me a little mad.
Because it just demonstrates that the show has absolutely no idea what has been so successful about this season.
!There are hot people with feelings!
Ivan and Tayshia sit down together to vaguely talk about their goals and cry in front of each other.
She says hes literally everything and they share a silver trailer set up on the hotel grounds.
Look, we can have breakfast at this little nook.
I know its not ideal, Diane, but I gotta get out there on that open road.
I cant be a pharmacist forever.
Thats not my dream.
That was my fathers dream.
Ivan and Tayshia wake up the next morning and dont even have breakfast at that little nook!
They go sit outside and Tayshia still has her glasses on.
How have we been deprived of this adorable little look!
They stayed up all night talking and watched the sunrise.
Up next is Zac!
Zac said that the week isnt about Ivan and Tayshia or Brewndawn and Tayshia.
He also completely dissociates while thinking about how theyre going to explore.
They have a classic sexy date where they cover each other in paint and roll around.
Zac has gottenthe bestdates.
After splattering each other with paint, they lie down and imagine their perfect day together.
He knows that if she plans on being intimate, she should know how he feels.
Hes full-on in love with her.
She is going to make herself look as cute as humanly possible.
She asks Zac about what his mother said, that he realized he wanted a family.
Hes in love with her.
Tayshia immediately squeals and says it back.
She does that thing where she asks him to say it again.
These two are in LOVE.
Tayshia says shes worried that there might be something wrong and Zac says, What if theres nothing wrong?
CUT TO THEM DANCING ON A BED AND ZAC IS WEARING TAYSHIAS ROBE.
Zac says, I am totally spun out of control with this girl.
He has fully lost his mind and hes not trying to find it anywhere.
This man is SPAH-RUNG and I love that for him.
Brewndawn looks positively sick.
Time for the Fantasy Suite date designed to push you over the edge!
They head to a tent where Neil Lane has set up a bridal jewelry shopping station.
He says the first thing anyone notices about the bride is her earrings.
Do they, Neil?
He loads Tayshia up with jewelry while Brewndawn slowly shits his pants.
This is a nightmare.
Hes in a nightmare.
Maybe if he bangs his head against something, hell wake himself up.
What could be bad about that?
A choice you make under a time constraint on a television program being part of your life forever?
Who doesnt want that!
You could bring children into the world.
Thats awfully romantic… and permanent.
They head to the night portion of the date and Tayshia is wearing a bandage gown with knee-to-floor fringe.
Do I believe that Brewndawn really couldnt bring himself to propose?
Do I think hes a little shy to pull the triggerbecauseof his experience with marriage and divorce?
Do I think he waited until the last possible second to have this realization?
I feel like the answer is, Yes but not with each other.
Tayshia is stunned but shes not going to beg him to love her or get angry.
She just… walks him out.
you’re able to tell Brewndawn doesnt want to leave but he knows he has to.
Again, havent we all had this break-up?
kindly stop kissing me on the forehead; you broke up with me!
They had the fact that they were both married before in common, but thats about it.
If anyone knows about having to eliminate your favorite guy right before the end, its Rachel.
Rachel asks her how shes feeling knowing whats at stake and Tayshia says shes excited.
Its time for the Rose Ceremo oh god damn it.
Its Ben and hes dressed like an avant-garde community theater Peter Pan.
So here Ben is.
Hes finally telling Tayshia that he loves her and he shut down when he didnt get a rose.
He also says he doesnt know what hes asking for.
Just thinking out loud, I guess.
WHO HASNT GOTTEN THIS WEIRD EMAIL FROM AN EX?
Why is it so long?
Why is it an e-mail, the least romantic form of communication?
Why did you sign it ~~~Thoughtfully Yours~~~?
Tayshia walks over to where her producers are hanging out in her suite and she just screams WHAT?
WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT!
See you tomorrow for the FINALE, LOLSURE!
