The Bachelorette
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I dont ask for much in this life.
Im a humble and simple woman, who enjoys simple pleasures.
A loaf of crusty bread hot out of the oven with a thick pat of butter.
The soft crunch of the first snow under my feet.
How many men can she drag kicking and screaming into emotional maturity and mental wellness?
Honestly, shes an inspiration.
But does Clare do any of that?
Shes asking men to write letters to their past selves on a first date!
Lets get to it.
The episode starts and Clare is floating in the hotel pool completely obsessed with Dale.
Are weeven going to pretendat this point?
How can we get through this acting like were going to end up with any other outcome?
Is anyone sitting here like, Oh, maybe shell end up with Zach J.
Each guy has enough space to line up his 15 pairs of shoes, right Bennett?
Bennett puts on his bathrobe and makes a martini.
Its time for the first date card!
This bitch is a genius!
Just stand a safe distance away from me and tell me Im beautiful in front of everyone else.
Everyone basically says, It was always you, Clare and other vague metaphors about long journeys.
I trust you, Im here for every bit of it.
I am who I am and Im here.
Nothing Dale has said to Clare so far has been a specific about his life or how he feels.
She also says shes so amazed by a group of men using this kind of language.
Clare is going to destroy the concept of toxic masculinity if its the last thing she does.
Its time for the next challenge in the love language-a-thon.
The men have to sprint back to their hotel rooms and find something to give to Clare.
Shes operating on another level.
When each man approaches her, she just moans and goes, Ooh, I know that smell.
The last part of the evening is Quality Time, aka the cocktail party.
Everyone just stares at her.What is happening?Have they seen this show?
How did they all collectively fuck this up?
Finally someone takes her aside, I dunno, Benne-chass-van?
Someone, it doesnt matter, because Clare cannot focus on what theyre saying and theyre not Dale!
you’re able to see Riley and Dale flip out and Dale drags Clare away.
That leaves Riley to tell Yosef to shut the fuck up and mind his business.
They didnt have a single out when I was in high school, Riley!
We were grinding to Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado!
But all of that gets him the group date rose.
The one-on-one date is Jason.
Clare takes him to the desert and makes him confront his demons.
She is an unrelenting storm of emotional availability and self-awareness.
Clare, tell me your secrets.
Then they each read letters to their younger selves.
She then pulls a flaming sword from the fire and cuts a tree in half.
Jason had a difficult childhood.
She gives him the rose and makes out with him to validate the experience of being emotionally vulnerable.
I cant wait for Jasons next girlfriend to receive him as slightly more emotionally capable.
Its time for the last group date of the week.
She doesnt fucking need any.
Shes done all there is to do.
The teams are irrelevant.
The men are interchangeable.
He heads to the cocktail party even though hes not invited.
It was… hard to watch.
Blake walks home with his tail between his legs.
Imagine thinking that someones relationsnhip to Sacramento is the most interesting thing about them.
Chassen gets the group date rose, whoever that is.
People dont ask men this enough, but where is your daughter?
Shouldnt you be at home helping her set up Zoom school or whatever the fuck?
SHE CAN DO THAT?
She can just hand out roses whenever she wants?
Shes doing this exactly right.
This is going to backfire everywhere but oh man, this is a brilliant move.
Eazy realizes that theres no rules of engagement as they all watch Dale walk away with Clare.
She takes Dale to a dark corner, blindfolds him, and climbs him like a ropes course.
Clare says what she feels with Dale is magical and her dreams are coming true!
Destroy it all and rebuild it in your image.
