The Bachelorette
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Gather round, my children.
No, it wasnt always like this.
The season would have ten episodes and each one would end with a rose ceremony.
Oh, my sweet little ones!
Chris Harrison was once a man.
He wasnt always the cybernetically enhanced android he is now.
When he would salute fathers for their sons sexual prowess, it wasnt a program written by engineers.
That was just a thing an adult human man did on television.
Oh, my darling tiny offspring!
I wish I knew what marked the decline and exactly when the roses themselves became sentient.
The Bachelorettedefinitely overstates exactly how muchBachelorettewe need.
Did Jed go find his guitar and play Hannahs dad his dog-food jingle?
Did Jed list something hes good at other than music?
Why was he wearing a leather belt with no shirt on that boat?
Lets get to it.
Can we just not?
No one has ever been told Theres nothing wrong.
Youre great during a breakup and believed it.
Hannah and Peters breakup is … heart-wrenching.
At one point, I think they were both doing both.
Whats most painful is that Hannahclearlyjust wants to kiss Peter the entire time theyre breaking up.
She keeps putting her forehead on his face.
Then Chris Harrison sits down in the studio with Peter to have him describe the footage we just saw.
Hannah comes out and Peter wants to know what moment changed things for her.
Hannah says there wasnt really one moment … but she can find something if you just let her.
She tells us that she and Peter had sex four times in the windmill.
No Freudian analysis needed.
I think Hannah sent Peter home because they had no time to talk about anything important or emotional.
Chris Harrison chides Hannah for talking about sex in front of Barb, Peters mom.
This is so embarrassing for Hannah and Barb!
Itsmortifyingfor adult women and the ultimate proof of manhood.
Who are these straight men supposed to have sex with if they keep telling women its mortifying?
Up first is Tyler and, my God, Hannahs dad was ready to risk it all for Tyler.
She also says that she doesnt know if shes in love with Tyler or falling in lust with him.
It is foreverybody.No one is going into a marriage thinking theyre going to get divorced.
Even the shittiest, worst couple you know who fucking hate each other thinks marriage is forever.
Tyler absolutely STUNS her family and its not even fair.
Up next is Jeds time to meet the family.
Hannah starts the day very nervous and she hopes that her family sees Jed the way she does.
Youre always hoping that people are going to like the guys you like.
Thats not a good sign.
They should be likable on their own.
He says that hes only got the purest extensions for Hannah.
Listen, Im not saying that all of Jeds lines are rehearsed.
What Im saying is that theyre POORLY rehearsed.
What kind of unemployed-fuckboy bullshit is this?
Jeds biggest accomplishment is writing a dog-food jingle.
Name literally any dog-food jingle.
Dog food doesnt have jingles.
Even more unfortunately, Hannahs rebuttal is that shes got all the talents, too.
Oh,sweetie.Just say you want to be an Instagram influencer and lets be done with it.
Hannahs mom cant help but compare Jed and Tyler, and she says that Jed has qualities.
Hannah goes outside because shes freaking out and Jed tries to comfort her.
He doesnt actually offer how he feels or how much he believes in their relationship.
Hes asking her to remember that he does.
Its probably a nervous tic, but he does it so much.
He doesnt generate or offer a single feeling, at least not a new one.
She knows what they have.
What do they have?
Compare that to how Tyler talks to and about her.
He also says he wants to argue with her in Home Depot about paint colors.
That is true fucking love.
Yeah, on the boat.
See you all tomorrow for the alleged finale!
