The Bachelorette
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I just completely understand the whole Dale of it all.
Who isnt just ready for aDegrassi: The Next Generationlookin motherfucker?
I know I am.
Clare is someone who believes or was made to believe that her feelings are too big.
That shes Too Much.
Youve probably been cast aside when you didnt think jokes at your expense were funny.
Even when you werent even doing anything!
We just need a man who isjust enough.They dont have to match you or exceed you.
They just have to have both feet on the ground.
They have to know that your feelings arent too big or too much or too bitchy.
They just need to create enough space for you until youre feeling something more resemblingyourversion of quiet.
Thats what Dale was able to give Clare in that moment.
He wasnt interested in running after Yosef.
He just stood still with Clare and her feelings.
And in that flickering, quiet moment, I got Dale.
Until then, THERE IS STILL MESS ALL AROUND AND IM LOVING EVERY GOD DAMN SECOND OF IT.
Lets get to it.
The only thing that is of note here is this male Vivian Kensington, Yosef.
Fuck off, my good douche!
He says he wants to wash his hands of this atrocity.
She didnt fly everyone to a foreign country and have them commit a war crime.
She made a few dudes who arent you take off their pants.
So right away, he takes Clare aside and like Jasmine Masters, hes got something to say.
Then Clare says, I totally get where youre coming from.
My mom is dying.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod I AM SCREAMING.
ARE YOU NOT SCREAMING?!?!
Instead of Yosef snapping back to reality and going, Oh, wait.
Im being a complete and total douche-nozzle here.
Lets go ride a tricycle obstacle course or some dumb shit, he does not do that.
He tells her that she would make a terrible role model for his daughter.
And heres the problem.
He wanted Clare to tell him, Youre right, zaddy.
Im sorry that I dishonored you.
Give me a little spanking because Ive beenbad.
He had the audacity to tell The Bachelorette that SHE was interrupting HIM.
Get gone, my guy.
hey exit the bubble.
Clare spots this guy for exactly who he is, because shes 39 and has seen some shit.
So, she sends him home.
The rest of the guys hear a commotion and immediately form a Zara Mens Phalanx around her.
This is adorable and I love it.
Yosef is yelling that shes almost 40 and still single.
Bitch, so what?
Clare then utters the line of the season: I didnt settle for men like that.
She didnt and shes right.
Already, an amazing episode.
and she giddily says, Hes just so strong.
Time for the Rose Ceremony.
Meanwhile, Clare was given a pair of Dales pants and smells them with former Bachelorette Deanna.
When youre sniffing pants, its over.
Youre about to be munching on panties and paying off his mamas credit cards, Clare.
The group date arrives and Dale makes a speech about respecting everyones time and takes Clare aside.
I just need like five minutes, guys.
Clare takes him immediately to her suite and then to her bed.
Just let them fuck.
Air the unedited footage.
Air the split screen of each of their faces during orgasm.
You amazing, impatient bitch.
The guys all have a go at convince Dale that what he did was kinda rude and selfish.
But Dale doesnt care.
Was his name Hay?
IS there a Hay on the season?
Whatever, it doesnt matter.
This is a delight.
If you make a big show about respecting the guys and the process, theyre gonna get annoyed.
Clare arrives with her hair completely matted in the back and one of Dales rings stuck in it.
Dale gets the group Dale rose.
Up next is Zach 8s one-on-one date.
He thinks this is his moment but it is not.
Clare is obviously from theHitchSchool of Kissing where she goes 90 and he goes 10.
Except he does not go 10.
He doesnt even put a hand on her waist.
Clare immediately freezes up because she is not getting good vibes.
Clare is all about vibes and Zach 8 has bad ones.
Zach freaks out and tries to remedy the situation by grabbing Clare while shes walking away.
When you get freaked out, it doesnt matter why and its not going to get better.
Thats just what Chris Harrison did.
Its time for the second and final group date of the week.
My favorite Bennett roast is when he says, Your speeches make no sense.
He also refers to his room at the resort as a chateau and calls Dale a big diva.
What did he say?
None of the guys want to take the bait and just tell Clare what Dale said.
Which is honestly the wrong move.
Shes fishing for something and if you just give it to her, she might move on.
I HAVE NO NOTES.
Its over, you dummies.
What the guys cant fully grasp is that Clare doesnt have to play fair.
She can do whatever she wants.
Clare doesnt owe you anything and she knows that, and its making formarveloustelevision.
