The Bachelorette
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It feels like were churning through character arcs like so much Slurpee in a 7-Eleven.
Everything feels huge and outlandish, but there isnt a subversive thing about it.
By episode three, the meltdowns are typically still lighthearted and fun.
But instead we have the soul-crushing and not at all fun desperation of Luke P. and Cam.
Why are you bragging that youre unemployed?
Then we have Luke P. This motherfucker right here.
Youre already doing intense Arthur clenched fists, my guy?
You cant even wait until youre in the top eight or nine?
And Hannah doesnt even seem that hypnotized by you and your wide-ass calves.
And if you take away Luke P. and Cam, what do we have left?
A cast almost completely devoid of any charisma.
Who is the hilarious comedic narrator of the season?
Who is trying to push a completely misguided but mildly amusing catchphrase?
They kept saying his name, but Im not entirely convinced hes a real person.
Somehow Jason Biggs is the person to shepherd us through this experience.
Does Jason Biggs need work?
I stopped watchingOrange Is the New Black,did they write him off?
Tyler C. looks like Michael Shannon as a character inVarsity Blues,both attractive and terrifying.
Meanwhile, Cam thinks the gestational period is two weeks.
My brain cant even sustain the weight of that thought.
Being in public and on camera just added to the thrill.
The guys all look like theyre somewhere between intense orgasm and throwing up all of their guts.
JPJ is tensing up his entire body before they even turn the machine on.
Tyler C. stays in a sexy pose while his taint is being shocked.
Then its time for the cocktail party.
Mike obviously feels guilt over the situation and blames himself for not being there for his girlfriend.
Read the room, dude.
Jonathon says, What goes around, comes around.
Cam heads back to the lobby to dig into some … nuggets.
Where are these coming from?
Is this something I missed?
Has the Bachelorette ever been sent to the hospital?
Oh yeah, baby, smear that Vicks VapoRub all over me.
Connor picks up a card, some chicken soup, and flowers.
He goes to Hannahs hotel room where she tells him that she fainted and had to get fluids.
Then they make out.
Is anyone else FUCKING BORED?
The date isnt over yet.
I would bet that limo driver says that no less than twice a day.
They head to a private concert with Lukas Graham because ABC already paid the deposit.
Connor gets the rose.
The final group date of the week is for … some assemblage of dudes.
Also,The Bacheloretteis really overestimating how much I believe that Demi is a mastermind orchestrating honeypot schemes.
Theyre also overestimating how much Demi I want in general.
Hannah straight-up tells him to stand his khaki ass down.
Hes gotta give her space because thats literally the premise of the entire show.
Luke P. gets furious that he didnt get to explain himself.
Luke P. also says that hes just going to act like that conversation never happened.
Thats just what a woman wants when she sets clear boundaries: a complete disregard for her wishes!
He gets the group-date rose and Luke P. gets a second talking to.
Theres no rules of engagement.
Hes 100 percent right and I love him for that.
All in the same week.
She confronts Cam and the rest of the guys to let them know there are no pity roses.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Cam says that it all comes down to if Hannah believes in him and is interested in him.
Again, the premise of the entire show.
He doesnt get a rose and heads home to Always Be Cam by Himself.
