The Bachelorette
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I had suchsuper goedtime with both of you.
I appreciated how honest you were with me and how you told me Ik hou van jou.
Espen, Hiddie, Andries, Joost, Van, and Markus all hate you.
But theres justsomethingabout you.
My heart is telling me yes but my mind is telling me Nee.
I just want to reiterature that Jacobus, you are exactly what Im looking for in a man.
So what Im trying to say is Diederik, will you accept thisroos?
I mean thats all were supposed to talk about right now, right?
Literally nothing else important happened on this episode or quite frankly, the entire season.
Were supposed to sit around and act like were not watching the same exact drama unfold every episode.
The second Luke started talking about his faith, I knew that Garrett was toast.
Bend me over and call me Hester Prynne!
Control over hisfleshfulurges, control over women, and superiority over … well, just about everybody.
Let he who is without sin cast the first bologna.
So, what are we supposed to do now?
Hell probably get his own Freeform spinoff show.
This is Rachels season all over again.
Name two things about Jed.
Name two things about Peter.
Name two things about Tyler C. other than how tight he wears his chinos.
Well, we can name two things about Jed, but hes not going to like them.
Id say lets get to it, but what is there to even get to.
So, lets just run through the contesticles, power-rankings style.
Up first is Mike, dear, sweet, beautiful Mike.
Mike thanks Hannah for being honest and goes off gently into the sweet night where #MikeForBachelor is trending.
Tyler C. has a real sweet, dumb energy and a thicc booty.
Someone get him some black hair dye and a striped shirt and Ill be in my bunk.
#TylerCForElvis
Solidly in the middle is Peter.
#PeterForRoadRunner
Tied in fourth place are Jed and Garrett.
These two dudes are largely interchangeable, especially when Jed doesnt bring his guitar on his one-on-one date.
#JedForGarrettAndGarrettForJed
Up next is Connor.Who?This dude fizzled out HARD.
#?????
A quick sidebar question for production: Why are these dudes being let into Hannahs hotel room so freely?
Can this bitch get a moment of privacy to finish writing in her journal?
In last place is Luke.
Luke really thought he did something when he picked up that pile of fancy meats.
My biggest moment of satisfaction was when Tyler C. called Luke a five-foot-eight villain.
Ah, the simple wit of a sturdy, hunky boy.
The biggest problem is that Luke has absolutely no incentive to change his behavior.
Now hes going to hometowns.
That part isnt a metaphor.
So … who is excited for hometowns?
