The Bachelorette
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What are you doing,The Bachelorette?What on earth do you think youre doing out there?
You dont have enough footage to be doing us like this?
Two episodes in a week?
You think Breandaun has eight hours of content in him?
Them turtlenecks can only do so much.
Theres barely any hint of a story this episode.
Tayshia is GOING THROUGH IT.
Tayshia takes Hometowns seriously, and she really wants to marry someone.
Theres still a one-on-one date this week?!?!?!?!?!?
With Blake?!?!?
This dude is still around and still looking like he wants to invite you to his football-themed improv show.
Also, did we always know he was Canadian?
Because him saying mum was a real surprise.
Tayshia heads off to meet a white lady with long white braids that come down to her titties.
Shes also wearing an indigo linen maxi dress and a whimsical pendant necklace.
Gita is allegedly a reiki practitioner and a crystal master.
Bitch, you gotta do way better than blue.
Blue symbolizes communication, so that means Tayshia has things she wants to say to Blake.
Then Gita has Tayshia straddle Blake as part of a tantric breathing exercise and stare into his eyes.
This is when it all falls apart.
Tayshia gets right up in that Mighty Mighty Bosstonesass beard and realizes that she is NOT INTERESTED.
We can all see where this is going, right?
Blake, can I walk you out?
Is there a problem that cant be solved with a breathable but cozy crop top and wide-legged pants?
No, there isnt.
She doesnt want to hurt anyone but … Riley?
Can I talk to you for a second?
NOT SWEET SWEET RILEY!
HES LEARNING HOW TO LOVE AND HOW TO FEEL!
Tayshia looks them in the eye and literally says, Be vulnerable with me.
Im waiting on you to open up.
Its something each couple has to navigate together, with the person sharing being in control.
I remember waiting about a month into my relationship to reveal I was going to therapy.
Me and my therapist sitting around talking aboutThe Bachelorettewhen nothing happened at work that week!
I appreciate that, and handing them a rose.
Its emotional quid pro quo.
He revealed some really difficult family stuff that was VERY CLEAR he doesnt talk about often or in public.
Im not saying that Tayshia is obligated to keep him around because of what he told her.
Someone is going to get hurt.
Thats an unfortunate consequence of approaching dating this way.
This kind of thing happens every season, but I wish it wasnt so blunt now.
Its time for the rose ceremony.
Tayshias rose ceremony dress is the most 2003 mess of a dress Ive seen in my LIFE.
Bennett is there and NO ONE IS HAPPY.
Zac looks like Dwight when Angela snuck up on him.
He went to Harvard, and America should be very happy for him.
Zac, Ivan, and Brawndewn all get roses.
Bennett and Noah go home, so what was the POINT of all this?!?!
Tayshia realizes she probably just hugged her husband.
Bennett has teeth like one of those lil Cabbage Patch dolls.
I expect to find a birth certificate in his suit jacket pocket with the name Bennett Mackenzie.
Chris Harrison has to whistle to stop the bickering between Noah and Bennett.
Yosef is still a complete and total asshole.
Every television program needs a tiny Riley in the corner just silently reacting.
There are no musical festivals to hook up with rose chasers!
Chris Harrison is invigorated by bloopers!
