The Bachlorette
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Because the issue never was Hannah.
But weve all been that person.
Ive datedimprovisers,America.
The issue this season was the dudes.
These pieces of shit dudes.
Listen, Im gonna be honest with yall.
(See: Rachel Lindsays season.)
And then Jed took out his guitar and sang that damn song.
I immediately flew into a rage.
Was that even legally considered a song?
There was no chorus, no hook.
It was just a collection of vaguely rhyming words sort of set to music.
Was it a poem?
What makes a poem a song?
Lets get to it.
Its about the massive destructive forces of lies and betrayal!
Hannahs day starts in Crete, as shes getting ready for a decision shes completely incapable of making.
Jed and Tyler head out to meet Neil Lane.
Jed says, Oh yeah, the one with the oval.
This one represents our love.
The oval is a constant.
Thats like saying, I love this trapezoidal ring because our love is a quadrilateral with two parallel sides.
Can this bitch take a single sign from the universe that she should not let Jed propose to her?
So far, water and rocks have all tried to stop her from getting close to this man.
Im surprised a gust of wind didnt blow that oval ring out of his hands.
Tyler has to look at her and say, This isnt it.
He stares off into that beautiful Greek middle distance.
Oof, theres no good way to break up with someone on this show, is there?
Tyler tells her that he wishes her success and hell root for her.
Tylers basic decency continues to inspire and amaze.
He wishes her perfect success with Jed and we all know thats not happening.
He says that it feels like a million punches to the gut.
There, there, Tyler.
Let the thousands of women slipping into your DMs comfort you.
Its time for Jeds musical proposal.
Put this in the dictionary under Dramatic Irony.
Jeds proposal is fine, stiffly delivered, and has an overly twee musical score.
Hannah delivers an incredibly passionate and earnest speech about her love, and I wish she hadnt done that.
Once he proposes and Hannah says yes, Jed just keeps repeating, Were engaged.
it’s possible for you to hear the period at the end and not an exclamation point.
Then Hannah sings thatMr.
Then its time for this episode to become aDatelinespecial.
Hannah has Jed come over to an Airbnb so she can yell at him.
So he obviously slept with Hannah and basked in her happiness and then told her.
As Jed explains exactly what happened with this woman he dated before the show, it gets … bad.
Jed claims he never saw her as his girlfriend.
Lets dive into that, shall we?
It was a spiritual good-bye.
Hes not telling people hes engaged, hes telling them he won.
But honestly, thats all Jed cared about.
He cared that he would make it farther than Luke because he couldnt stand losing to Luke.
He cared about Hannah saying I love you at the end, because that would mean he won.
He says over and over in their conversation that hes put himself in an awful position.
He mutters under his breath that he doesnt want to cry on camera.
Its all about Jed and how he looks.
He asks Hannah what he can do and where do you want me to grow.
This is fucking annoying for two reasons.
First, I think shes laid out where you got some problems.
Then you have to open them up on Christmas morning and act surprised.
I cant believe you got me the Sunday Riley Favorites gift set!
That is a present you selected on your own and I am completely surprised by this present.
And then he would lose.
And he would look like a bad guy on television and that might compromise his hot adult-diaper-jingle prospects.
Hannah rightly says that her decision to choose him was based on a lie.
She wasnt making an informed decision and he allowed her to do that for his own benefit.
He asks her for grace and patience so he can become someone she can be proud of.
Hannah says shes allowed to be angry and she did have grace for him.
This is not what she said yes to.
This is not what she said yes to.
Everyone write that down and refer to it the second someone does some bullshit.
Someone invites you to a party at their house and tries to charge you for drinks?
This is not what I said yes to.
Your boss suddenly asks you to take care of their child even though its not in your job description?
This is not what I said yes to.
This is not what I said yes to.
Hannah takes her ring off and sets it on the table.
Hannah says it hasnt been good and his behavior is making her question everything.
We suddenly cut to Hannah in the studio with Chris and their engagement is over.
The audience bursts into applause.
I love a petty audience.
Chris Harrison asks her about three times if the relationship is over.
Now bring out Tyler.
Tyler says theyve got a lot to catch up on.
I guess this is what we get.
Its not the ending we want, but its certainly the ending we deserve.
See you in Paradise!
