The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart
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We really gotta spice this thing up.
Netflix is out there innovating in this space.
There were the hot people who were not allowed to bang.
There was the show whereeveryone was allowed to catfish each otherand they did!
Is it possible we are all living inside a Netflix original series?
And in these difficult and unpredictable times, The Bachelor Cinematic Universe really needs to step up its game.
I watchedmultiple people get left at the altar this year.
Everything is boring and the music is weird.
So what devilish manipulations can we throw at this aspiring music couple?
Chris Harrison rearranging some couples for an afternoon.
Or compete in mini challenges for the ability to assign the songs!
Theres an air-freshener cone that reveals who kissed!
I just came up with all of these things on my own.
Let that be a testament to the casting this season.
So theyre MIXING IT UP!
They also have to rearrange a couple of other pairs so it doesnt look obvious.
And Julia is going on a date with motherfucking Brandon.
Sheridan starts packing his bags immediately.
The show does not give a shit about Rudi and Chris and Jamie and Ryan.
It just wants that good Brandon and Julia drama.
Brandon and Julia head to the Roxy with alleged singer-songwriter Joel Crouse to write a song together.
They break out their rhyming dictionary and circle the word clarity.
Theyre hoping that the song will give them … clarity.
All of these words rhyme but only clarity made it into the song.
Its also the title of the song.
The theme is I might be wrong but I need your love.
Julia knows she wants to end up with Brandon and Brandon wants to end up … on television.
Meanwhile, Sheridan is at home moping around because girls just want assholes.
You are no longer legally allowed to complain about nice guys if youre older than 23 years old.
Read a feminist text, get a hobby, and buy new shoes.
Its time for Julia and Brandon to return from their date and wreak some havoc.
Julia takes Sheridan aside to talk to him and, oh man, she is actively bad at this.
Shes been an attractive white lady for too long.
Ive been the Sheridan in this breakup, and the Julia is always unhinged.
Come to think of it, he had also cheated on me with his ex.
I cannot with this bitch.
Sheridan just gets up and walks out of the mansion.
Brandon sits down with Savannah and, oh no, this man is a douche.
If your boyfriend calls you sweetie, hes a monster.
He also says that Savannah has a bit of an attitude.
Brandon says that hes really had patience and grace while hes been playing with two womens emotions.
Savannah says if shes not Brandons choice, she deserves better than whatever Brandon is doing.
She storms out and Brandon follows her saying that he wants to work this out with her.
Someone stop this man.
They meet again in a hallway and Brandon continues the same bullshit.
Trevor and Jamie are singing Like Im Going to Lose You, by Meghan Trainor and John Legend.
Bri and Chris are singing Lover, by Taylor Swift.
Natascha and Ryan are singing You Are the Best Thing, by Ray LaMontagne.
Matt and Rudi are singing Tennessee Whiskey, by Chris Stapleton.
He says hes probably heard it in a hair salon.
How dare he disrespect Pat Benatar like that.
She is an icon and you will give her respect.
I should mention that Julia is doing earmuffs during this exchange.
Julia lives in a world that I do not fully understand but it terrifies me.
Julia takes this as an extremely personal attack and a form of sabotage.
Rachel and Bryan are judging for romantic chemistry.
Matt and Rudi are up first and its … pretty fun.
Rudi is way better than Matt and everyone freaks out about how in love they are.
Trevor stands mostly motionless during the performance and Jamie paws nervously at his face and chest.
He also makes unflinching, unwavering eye contact with Toni Braxton the entire time.
I mean, I get it but … yikes.
Julia blames their bad performance on Natas OH SHIT, NATASCHA!
What a shock on this show.
Unfortunately, Ryan sounds like a John Mayer thats rapidly deflating.
Plus hes very bad at guitar.
But they make sustained eye contact and apparently thats what sexy looks like.
Thats what their performance and all the other good ones were like.
Thats what the bad performances were like.
All of the performances on this show have a couple going through something at karaoke energy.
After the performances, Julia complains that Natascha has betrayed her in a way that no performer would.
I was hard on Natascha at first, but this bitch is bringing it.
Well, I guess its time for the rose ceremony.
I mean …cmon.
Everyone gets a rose except Brandon and Julia.
See you next week in VEGAS!
