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Now, venture to make it look new again, her abuela admonishes.
Jane looks on, distraught.
you’re able to never go back, she says firmly.
I understood how much a lesson like the one Janes grandmother had taught her could stick with you.
As a result, I found sex painful, and carried the trauma associated with remembering what had happened.
Our fears were different.
Jane worried about the consequences of sex outside of marriage.
This manifests in many ways throughout the course of the show.
Both responses are informed by how deeply Jane wants to feel uncomplicated desire.
Throughout the series, I liked knowing that both could be true for the same character.
Theres one moment in particular that stuck out to me.
By this point, Janes had her baby, and shes no longer with Michael or Rafael.
Jane tells her mother that shes going to lose her virginity.
It doesnt have to be a big deal, shes a mother now, everything is different.
One night, Jonathan cooks dinner for her, and afterward, they begin kissing on the couch.
He tells her shes the first person hes been with since his divorce.
Its not a big deal, he says, but he wanted her to know.
Youre the first person Ive been with, she says.
She stops; he looks on confused.
Then she continues she promised her grandmother, it was a whole thing.
The mood is ruined.
He doesnt really want to have sex.
Jane rebuttons her dress.
I turned the episode off.
The scene felt like it was plucked from my own life.
Ill cook, hed said.
Id talked it through with friends over frozen margaritas the evening before.
Wait, do I mention that Im basically a born-again virgin?
My friends had burst into laughter at this description before weighing the pros and cons.
We landed on no.
Its casual, right?
one of them had said, and Id agreed.
Casual, Id repeated, though I wasnt sure I felt this was true.
But at his place, as we started to become intimate, I could feel myself panicking.
I had sort of a plan, a thing to say if I didnt feel ready for sex.
A day later, I tried to watch the episode again.
Jane tells her mother what had happened, and Xo suggests that Jane might have self-sabotaged.
Maybe you brought up the virgin thing because you werent sure?
Jane continues to sext the professor.
She tells him that by sending her home that first night, he was missing out.
He invites her over, turned on by her confident erotic texting.
When she sees him rip open a condom, though, Jane starts crying.
I really want to do this!
she says, between tears, to a bewildered Chavez.
She comes home, still a virgin.
Eventually, Jane gets married and loses her virginity.
The show handles this with sensitivity and grace.
It draws a distinction between having sex and having good sex.
It weaves in a conversation between Jane and her mother about how Jane feels about losing her virginity.
And even after she does, the shows interest in shame and desire doesnt disappear.
I still watched religiously, but my responses to the show werent as emotional as theyd been before.
Its like riding a bike, says Jane.
No, says Alba, comparing herself to a broken wheel on the side of the road.
You are not broken, says Jane.
Eventually, Alba does let go of her shame.
Jane gets her to use a vibrator and discover her own relationship to pleasure.
She marries the man she had turned down, and she does have sex again.
