Love Island
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This recap covers the season two finale ofLove Island U.S., episode 35.
As much as I want to snark on it, I cant help but truly root for them.
Anyway, enough of that; plenty of time to get sentimental later.
We start off with the final four couples getting a special brunch.
The food doesnt even look good.
Its an award-worthy performance.
But none of that is on display here.
Love language doesnt make sense here, and, frankly, its not even a good pun.
What if your love language isnt words of affirmation?
This is acts-of-service erasure.
Suddenly, its nighttime.
Everyone must tell everyone else how good they look for continue to the speech portion of the evening.
Cely and Johnnys final declaration is up first.
What a delight to see a woman serve up a backhanded compliment with no remorse.
More of this energy, like.
Just as our eyes were unrolling, Carrington and his thesaurus enter the chat.
He celebrates Laurels sensational smile and incredible physique.
He mentions that he cant wait to wake up in Fiji, Thailand, or even Paris one day.
Its Justine and Calebs turn, and they predictably nail it.
They will survive as long as they have each other.
Are they showing off at this point?
I wholeheartedly hope this season has been a lesson to the reality-TV industrial complex that theyve been underestimating us.
Sure, a bit of comedic villainy is fun but so is dynamism.
Not every moment needs to be injected with producer-meddled drama.
Well happily watch people build earnest relationship romantic or otherwise with all of their most mundane and goofy parts.
Speaking of which … back on speech island, it is Calvins turn.
Can you even imagine what this episode would look like live?
Sidenote: What is Arielles job here?
Its starting to feel like shes a bit unessential.
The islanders managed to handle the entry procession and the reading of the vows without her.
At least half of the recoupling ceremonies were hosted by whoevers in charge of the closed-circuit texting system.
That couple has a chance to win $100,000.
!You mean to tell us the money isnt a sure thing?
No further explanation is given at this time.
Before she announces the winners, Arielle wants to hear about each couples experience of the road to love.
Im sorry, but NO.
We have been seeing these roads six nights a week for a hot minute now.
There is not a single bump, bend, or Bennett we do not know intimately.
The entire exercise feels just shy of patronizing.
The votes have already been cast.
Tally that shit, and lets get on with it.
Justine says, It literally feels like a dream.
I cant cope!!!
Arielle is holding two bedazzled envelopes.
One of them contains the $100,000 prize money and the other contains absolutely nothing.
Whoever gets the money gets to decide whether to keep it or share it.
Justines envelope has $0, which leaves Caleb with six figures.
Johnny tells him to keep it.
MY DUDE, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Someone check in on the TikTok fiance.
Alas, its happily ever after.
Justine and Caleb are the first Black couple to winLove Island,and they win by a landslide.
Caleb is splitting the money with his girl, no questions asked.
Catharsis has been obtained.
They all jump in the pool and thus ends perhaps the final chapter of American democracy.
I sincerely hope they know something we dont.
Carrington out of context:Im gonna kill this.
Very good at writing.
[cries]Have to give you baby kisses.
Running count of COVID references: 35.
All things considered, this is surprisingly low things really tapered off around week two.
May our winter curves flatten at a similar rate.
