366 bits of wisdom, advice, and encouragement from the stand-up veteran.
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This whole idea was coffee induced.
and she said, I think they would love it.
Her response was all I needed, so I tweeted out that I was going to do it.
I dont know exactly why I decided to do this.
Havingmy special,The Great Depresh, coming out was part of it, too.
Starting January 1 I am going to give one joke writing tip each day.
I cant promise they will be effective but they will have worked for me.
Thats when I thought,Theres no getting out of this now.
You have to really come through.
By necessity, this undertaking had to morph from writing tips into general tips about mood maintenance and inspiration.
It will still be there when you return.
Also, Im not very organized, so you have to figure out your own system there.
There was one comedian who said, Why are you giving this away?
Well, I didnt give away anything that I didnt get from somebody or somewhere else.
I didnt want to sully it with commerce, but I also wanted them to be in one place.
And I had such a great time doingVulturesGood Onepodcastthat I thought this would be a good home for them.
You dont have to follow all of them to the letter.
Most Popular:The ten tips that received the most retweets.
Part I
Writing
Tip No.
2:Write out a favorite joke word-for-word one sentence at a time.
After completing each sentence, analyze each word.
Why does it work?
How do the syllables of the words create rhythm?
How do the sentences build to the punchline?
Whats the grammar of comedy?
you’ve got the option to do [Tip No.
2] at any stage, but probably its best early on in your career.
Youve been meaning to do this.
6:Words with the sound buh, puh, and kuh, especially at the beginning/end are funnier.
No one knows why.
Buick is funnier than Nissan.
I learned this early.
I assumed everyone knew.
Take some soft punch-words and replace them with a b/p/k sound.
15:You know that joke youre sick of telling?
Write/throw in it with a space in between each sentence.
Add some details, change a word, or unpack an idea.
To me, unless its on a special, a joke isnt done.
When the audience is mouthing the words with you, its done.
19:Use variety in your words.
Dont keep using the same word.
This is where listening to your sets is so helpful.
33:Change your writing routine today.
If you usually write on a laptop, write longhand and vice versa.
If you write in small notepads, write in a big notebook.
I may be imagining it, but I think using unruled notebooks changed my writing years ago.
Take the time to create your own.
Its part of the job.
163:Keep a journal!
It gets you to write without any pressure to be funny or interesting.
It will become a valuable resource, I promise.
196:Write outside whenever you’re free to.
I have no proof, but I think writing outside energizes.
212:Invest in somequality notepads with a cover.
Unless youre annoyingly fastidious, you lose the first three pages at least.
Get abox of pensthat you look forward to using, hopefully not those writers-cramp inflictors by Bic.
I use:
Tip No.
269:I usually start a joke by trying to write a funny or interesting sentence.
It takes away the intimidation of writing an entire joke.
I still start every writing session this way.
291:I wanted to be as good as anything I read from my favorite writers.
I wanna write on that level in this space (hip-hop).
Apply this philosophy to joke writing.
You will stand out.
333:Learn the Rule of 3!
Part II
Ideas
Tip No.
41:You know those quirky little things you do and think?
Collect them in a file or on paper.
62:Look for inspirationeverywhere.
can all provide a spark for creativity.
Cross-pollinate your work with broad influences and watch your creativity grow.
63:Write it all down while the coffee is still telling you youre mighty.
Reread after youve turned back into Dr.
Banner (yes hes a genius, but not as self-confident in that condition).
That buzz is so valuable but needs editing.
92:Notice where you do your best thinking.
Not listening to music?
check that to put yourself in the places where youre doing your best thinking as frequently as possible.
See if theres anything there before you spend a day on a new joke.
But if youre truly excited by the new idea, keep going!
143:Listen to strangers conversations.
(I tell myself its not impolite if theyre being super-loud.)
I got How Dottie is that?
when a supercilious woman named Jodi bragged How Jodi is that?
So Jodi, her friend replied.
157:Need new joke ideas?
If youre uncomfortable with that word, use irritable (or grow up).
217:All art is autobiographical.
The pearl is the oysters autobiography.
Purposefully mine your personal history for your act.
Your life is a wellspring.Dig deep.
241:Many of your favorite writers include the same themes/subjects/objects/interests repeatedly in their work.
Dont be afraid to return again and again to your passions and obsessions to explore and expound.
285:Xplore unusual angles in a joke.
Xample: Xamine things from the POV of a child or an Xpert.
Then write about it!
93 MULLET:
Tip No.
311:Some of your best ideas will come to you in the shower.
Theres science behind why it happens.
Get a shower notepad if you have trouble remembering your ideas.
Dont listen to music.
Listen to your thoughts.
Ruminate on tonights set or a new joke.
313:Try teaching or informing the audience about something through some of your jokes.
We love to learn while being entertained and vice versa.
Put it in your act!
Just confirm its funny.
327:Going home for Thanksgiving?
Your family is unique.
Being reminded of the dynamics and adding new memories will be great resources for your act.
Family isnt a word.
331:There are great stories from our lives that were not able to translate into stand-up.
Dont throw them out.
Collect those stories in a file for radio and TV and other interview situations.
Especially if you dont have a day job.
There are so many opportunities to help.
You will do good and have something new to write about.
In NYC we haveNew York Cares.
One year we decorated an elementary school for Halloween.
You will be surprised at what you forgot when you listen back.
360:Spending holidays with kids?
Pay attention to them.
Take note and embrace their curiosity and enthusiasm within your writing.
(Also avoid the kids these days writing.
Merry Christmas from your second favorite long-haired Jew.
Part III
Originality
Tip No.
24:There are things youve become expert in because of passion.
List them and write jokes about them.
Writing informed by a vast knowledge in unusual subjects will lead to original, compelling jokes.
Patton Oswalt is king of this.
Today, mine your obsessions.
Identify the unique aspects of your family in writing.
Its a rich vein you could mine through March and beyond.
38:Want to stand out?
You know what they are.
Unless youre Pryor, I dont have time for your angle.
But @_______ said, Theres no hacky premise!
Its what you blah blah blah.
No ones ever been accused of being too original.38A: Watch the comics before and after you.
The topics that keep getting brought up Tinder, TSA are most likely hacky.
I dont feel comfortable being the arbiter of hackiness.
Be strict with yourself.
It will pay off later.
If youve been writing every day, youre starting to get luckier.
The month is halfway done.
52:You have a new joke.
It seems too easy.
Go online and key in in some of the joke and see if someone has said something similaranywhere.
Ask your comedy-obsessed friends if they have heard anyone do a similar bit.
121:Its nice to have a lane, but you dont have to stay in it.
Early on, they were very different.
Try a new lane for a while.
See how it feels.
127:Im not for everyone is a valuable position to acknowledge and embrace.
you could have great success by being appealing to the punch in of audiences you enjoy.
Ive heard it said that trying to c’mon everyone is a certain path to failure and frustration.
136:I believe beingvulnerableis vital to creatingmemorablecomedy.
For the first few years, just getting onstage is vulnerable.
189:Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid.Committo the unusual and the ultra-original.
Youll attract the right audience and enthusiastic allies.
Good artists love to reach out and help hard-working contemporaries who are trying something different.
There could be nothing that made the audience feel they werent seeing something utterly new.
We should aspire to this.
199:I venture to avoid jokes that reinforce stereotypes about Jews.
Its lazy and banal and Im ashamed of the times Ive done it.
The worst thing about it is it lets bigots off the hook.
They can say See!
Even he admits it!, which sickens me.
223:Train yourself to ignore the obvious punchline.
No heckler should be able to yell out your punchline.
If its too esoteric, it’s possible for you to always pull back next show.
Nobody in the audience thinks that two celebrities you sort of look like had a baby.
You could use that time working on a more original joke.
229:If its on a T-shirt, its dead.
We stand out by writing things the fashion people and advertisers and other hacks/amateurs cant think of.
Just confirm its not contrived and that youre not being lazy about finding a better ending.
#ImBatman
Tip No.
Hacky impressions (94 it was Nicholson and De Niro, which was my act)2.
Fin in the punchline
He felt these tricks made it too easy.
260:Some comics say (though not this eloquently) No premise is inherently hacky.
(I know, There are no hacky premises!
Tell that to your peers rolling their eyes behind your back while youre middling.)
I think thats one of the secrets to staying fresh and maintaining a high level of creativity.
I knownowthere are few better indicators that youre onto something special than A and B.
302:Hunt for topics where your opinionsgenuinelydiffer from those of your peers.
322:The best compliment from another comic about a joke is: I never couldve thought of that!
When you have an idea with the potential for that compliment, then youmustrelentlessly hone it.
Those jokes will make you.
#MitchHedberg
Tip No.
336: What the f, F you, and Go f yourself are not your punchline.
Theyre used by 1,000 other comics who didnt put in the work.
They get big laughs of course, but theyre borrowed laughs.
Keep writing to replace them.
Swear all you want, just be original.
But I have a fresh take on hotel room keys!
Unless youre Brian Regan, I stopped listening.
Part IV
Identity
Tip No.
37:My favorite writer Kurt Vonnegut said he wrote for an audience of one, his sister Alice.
I write for a 21-year-old me.
Today, think about your ideal audience member.
This should help you narrow your writing focus and help you find your voice.
113:Be aware of the constraints your appearance may put on jokes.
Wearing expensive clothes will contradict claims of poverty.
211:The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going.
It will guide how you spend your time.
Pardon the 19th-century chauvinism.
228:Assuming a persona/character onstage?
Dont ever let one audience decide the fate of a joke or your path.
This means enjoying your topics, your takes, your presentation.
Am I my favorite?
Close, Im right behind Todd Glass and Brian Regan.
356:Dont compromise your beliefs to get a laugh.
Ive done it and I cringe at the memory.
You didnt get into this to suppress your identity.
Have faith that youll think of something more honest.
Part V
PerformingandDelivery
Tip No.
8:When trying out new jokes, you have to beprepared.
Saint John Wooden, UCLA basketball coach, philosopher, humanitarian.
Its okay to fail!
Fail a lot!!!
But dont fail because you were being lazy.
10:Get onstage!
Writing a joke down is less than 50 percent of the process.
you oughta get onstage a ridiculous amount before you figure out how to write for stand-up audiences.
The audience did not listen to a single word I said.
20:Today, have a go at eliminate those verbal tics.
Theahms,yknows, and stammers that muddy your rhythm.
Its irritating when youre just in brief conversation with someone.
Over an hourlong set, itsinfuriating.
Some say its essential, others useless.
It can take thousands of shows to figure it out.Experimentevery show to see what works best.
Someday youll just feel it.
48:Hosting/MCing shows is a great way to become comfortable onstage and develop a valuable skill.
Volunteer to MC shows and it will pay off in many ways.
68:Dont Give it up for your host!
or Give yourselves a big hand!
or Hows everybody doing tonight?
You could do another minute of jokes with the time you waste on this claptrap.
Especially foolish if you only have five minutes.
77:Never, under any circumstances, use a stock line.
It undermines your entire set.
Example: Someone arrives late to the show.
The comic says: Welcome, can I get you anything?
81:On f: Use or dont.
On a show with other comics, limit Fs so it still has impact when they use it.
If youre opening for someone, ask if its okay.
But Johnny Carson …Shut up,hey.82A) Dont That one was just for me!
or Youll get that one on the way home!
They wont, theyll be too busy trying to rinse their brains of your lazy act.
83:Its helpful to make a set list, especially for long shows.
I write it on a napkin and put it next to a drink on the stool.
Its mostly new jokes and new lines for old jokes.
Its so aggravating to forget to do a new joke youve been honing.
89:Your friend has brought you to open for them this weekend.
If you are not trying out some new jokes in that prime spot, you are a fool.
Dont overindulge, but take advantage of the weekend crowd to expand your act.
99:Starting a punchline Bitch … is a guaranteed laugh.
It is also a guarantee you will sound like 1,000 other comedians.
101:Writing onstage is a super-effective way to create.
Listening to the set after to harvest the good lines iscrucial.
105:Friday and some Saturday late shows can bebrutal.
It helps to lower expectations and coordinate with staff on how to manage hecklers and rowdies.
Figure out what you want to open/close with.
I love my 45-minute subway to the Comedy Cellar for this.
it’s possible for you to do it while driving.
If driving with a comic, discuss together.
Chose my favorite five minutes and did it.
A year later, I was using none of those jokes.
Just get onstage that first time.
Youll figure it out after.
I was obsessed with jokes and words.
Once you get onstage, the hardest part is over.
151:A jokes position in a set may affect its success.
Something really personal may need to go later after the audience knows you better.
A five-minute set may not give you enough time.
If a bit you like doesnt work, adjust where you deploy it.
Dont do the stock/stereotype voice or accent or a voice used by another comedian.
Make up your own and practice it offstage if you might bear it.
160:You have a new joke.
There are at least two laughs in it including the ending.
You dont tell one-liners.
Youre not auditioning for a TV set.
You should be trying to add more laughs in between those laughsevery singletime you do that joke onstage.
I see comedians come out to booming high-energy songs and their act is not nearly as compelling.
I call themCSI: Miamis.
263:Vary your vocal intonation.
266:I find preshow rituals very helpful in focusing and relieving anxiety.
Among other things, I say a prayer of gratitude before taking the stage.
271:I wish kids could learn to shoot a basketball on eight-foot hoops.
Similarly, I wish new comics could learn on nurturing audiences.
You cant, but you could concentrate on delivery and preparation without worrying about laughs.
Just shoot with good form!
289:When youre on a showcase, watch the person right before you at least.
you’re able to ruin your whole set if you repeat their attitude or pace or content.
Audiences wont laugh at you if theyjustsaw you.
Consider it part of your preparation.
318:I love to start a show by making fun of something on the stage.
Choose something that isnt obvious to every comic.
Video by Sam Koppelman.
346:Saying nothing … sometimes says the most.
You dont have to fill every second with words.
A person comfortable with silence onstage is telling the audience theyre in good hands.
354:When you have to go up first on a show you have to be prepared.
Get your first laugh quickly and pick up your energy if not your pace.
Treat it like youre auditioning.
Youareauditioning … for better spots in the lineup.
Part VI
DevelopingMaterial
Tip No.
3:Go through an old notebook/file.
You will probably find a premise/sentence/phrase that you forgot.
(I found a promising joke in a notebook from 2015 yesterday.)
Rewrite your promising idea with the skill youve earned since you first wrote it down.
9:Cannibalize your act.
Go through your joke inventory and relocate some jokes or pieces of jokes.
Add them to jokes that are working to add some density to your act.
You just need to take some time to find a connection.
26:Today, go through your joke inventory.
Write/throw in it out.
Identify or create logical connections between jokes, and combine them.
It can be easier to hold a crowds attention when you stay on topic longer.
Have a good show tonight!
34:Today, start by going over your writing from the past few days.
Review them before your show.
Repeat this tip regularly.
43:Proximity contributes to funniness.
In general, a brother or sister is funnier to mention in your joke than a sister/brother in-law.
Use an aunt instead of a neighbor etc.
Adjust your jokes to make the people closer relations.
I dont know why this works.
49:Specificis usually funnier than general terms or words.
Go through your set today and find where you were general and change to a specific.
There will be cases where general is still funnier.
50:Hopefully youre writing for longer periods now.
Youll notice it takes time to warm up.
I just learned this and its very helpful.
53:Listen to a recent recording I know its excruciating, and it wont get much easier.
Pause every sentence or two.
(1) Can you say it in less words?
(2) Can you add or change something to make it funnier?
Press play and repeat.
56:Choose at least one thing to work on during every set.
Work on a new joke, adding a physical component, a character or voice, etc.
every single time you take the stage.
This helps at every level.
58:The most common advice I give new comedians is to make it sound more conversational.
Yet another instance where listening to your set is helpful.
64:You have a joke on a topic you want to cover.
It gets a good laugh but its pedestrian.
Use it as scaffolding to build a better joke by adding on-topic jokes to the original joke.
Just remember to remove the scaffolding once the joke is great.
66:Thursday nights are perfect for trying out new jokes.
You will probably change or drop some words.
And, perTip No.
58, verify it doesnt sound too written.
You will find insight and perspectives that you hadnt thought of.
Spending an hour or two to add a minute to a good joke is a bargain.
87:Heres a helpful organizing tip for notebook users.
I can keep a premise together by adding ideas to the Post-it and sticking it to the original page.
119:Today, try and add some laugh lines to the setups of some of your jokes.
This will be fun, add denseness to your jokes, and put some new energy in old jokes.
Try and work them in tonight during your show.
Sometimes, adding laugh lines to a joke has diminished the punchlines impact.
Energy is easy to add.
Ill let you know when I get there.
Act as if untilyouget there.
Refer often so you ruminate over the ideas.
Put most effort into 2.
139:Ive found adding some silliness or absurdism very rewarding over the years.
Its fun to experiment with and often adds life to a joke in need of it.
Also, it attracts a really cool audience.
This weekend, try adding some silliness to your jokes.
144:Having a tough time figuring out a joke?
Tell the story from another persons point of view, or even from an object or animal.
you might even time travel and tell it from the perspective of a younger or older you.
Its painful and the audience reaction sounds bad because of the audio mix.
But I hate the sound of my voice!
How much do you hate wasting your potential?
Weve been in a couple of pickles over the years.
178:On swearing: Swear or dont swear.
Also, it may help when a joke is new to add a swear to spice it up.
Later, try it without the swear.
201:Perfect is the enemy of good.
Ruminate on your jokes obsessively, but dont wait until theyre flawless to try them.
After, make improvements.
Later, recognize when youve reached the point of diminishing returns, let go.
Youve got more to say.
238:More than one show in a night?
Write while the synapses are still firing.
Celebrate the new joke on the way home.
252:Some nights you may realize you dont have as much material as you thought.
Its great news if it motivates you to write.
I always start by trying to expand on what already works.
Then take your joke fragments and premises and hammer away.
282:I have no strict opinion on whether you should swear in your act.
Your knowledge of your city lets you make original jokes other comics cant.
Audiences appreciate it, and it helps build a new hour to perform there each time.
342:Someday, you may be able to choose the perfect words in the moment onstage.
Then all you have to do is listen to the audio, and transcribe.
You still shouldperfectthe words in writing/key in.
Part VII
Collaboration
Tip No.
7:Find a comic friend to call/meet and go over jokes/premises/ideas.
Play Is This Funny?
Be honest but gentle anddont just wait until its your turn!Tell them if youve heard similar bits!
Two people is best, more is okay.
It also gives you a safe place to say things out loud.
Be a good co-worker.
Dont execute the light.
Be supportive.Write a lot!
22:you could learn by watching the other comics on your show.
The great ones will teach and inspire and the bad ones shortcomings are instructive.
you could assess the crowd and note overused premises to avoid.
Also, you may be able to offer a peer a good idea.
Watch your opening acts at least the first night.
When asked for it, be generous with guidance and encouragement.
These comics are paid poorly and underappreciated.
you could help them immensely with some small kindnesses like lunch.
74:I once spent a year asking veteran headliners advice on doing an hour.
I take them on a ride!
you gotta build slowly.
I sing a song!
104:Hang out!
You also get to watch comedy and make friends and build comfort.
If you dont get on, go home and write.
I was lucky to have a lot of John McAleers.
Be that professor for a new comedian you work with.
125:Find the teachers!
Nearly every working headliner has a breadth of knowledge and experience that would dwarf my collection of tips.
Most love talking shop.
Ask questions, and this is tough:Listento the answers.
142:Veterans, mentoring young comedians is a very gratifying experience that is valuable to all parties.
You teach and cement your knowledge while staying informed and inspired by current trends in comedy.
168:Sometimes we need to vent.
It has been a revelation how much better two minds have made it.
One rule: you have to make each other laugh,hard.
200:I stuck with it [Tip No.
199] partially because a lot of very generous comedians were kind.
They complimented a joke or gave me work opening for them or passed along my name to showbiz folk.
For my birthday today, do that for another comedian.
219:When I first started, we were all terrified of being hacky.
It helped ensure originality.
Dehack your act with your friends.
230:Make a new comedy friend this weekend.
Tell someone whose act you admire that you admire their act.
Maybe dont use the word admire.
This probably will not work with celebrities or jerks and certainly will not work with celebrity jerks.
231:Have you tried to make that friend yet?
I promise you this Sisyphean journey becomes much more manageable if you have someone to discuss the boulder with.
255:Ive found confidence to be elusive throughout my life.
Call on andtrustthe opinion of your life team.
262:Watch the comedians the other comedians watch.
In Boston, it was Don Gavin and Patrice.
In L.A., it was, among others, Todd Glass, Maria Bamford, and Andy Kindler.
In NYC, its Dave Attell, Ted Alexandro, Aparna Nancherla, Jessica Kirson, and Robert Kelly.
274:Early on, I used to ask older comics to watch my set.
I still sometimes ask a friend to watch if Im working on new jokes.
Recommending a comedian who then gets passed at a club or gets their first TV spot is invigorating.
300:Pass your knowledge of comedy and comedy business on to newer/younger comedians.
Also it will strengthen comedy overall.
308:Be there for your comedy friends.
We have a bizarre lifestyle even the greatest therapist cannot grasp.
312:I never learned a thing about comedy while I was talking.
Ask the veterans questions and then put your mouth away.
Director Michael Bonfiglio is an expert at this.
My ideal coach would be Mister Rogers.
359:Meet your heroes!
Almost without exception, meeting my heroes has been energizing and joyful.
Worst case, you will learn how not to act when youre in their position.
Best case, youll stay over Chris Elliots house with Michael Bonfiglio.
Part VIII
FansandtheAudience
Tip No.
59:Early on in your career, it can be difficult to win over a crowd.
Be that comedian!!!
Its difficult but great training.
Its okay to acknowledge the poor turnout, but dont dwell on it.
97:For your first few years, limit your crowd work.
You need joke inventory and practice.
There will be plenty of time to work on yourwhereyafroms.
Many headliners dont like an MC or opener to do crowd work.
98:In general, when the audience is laughing, stop talking.
Its our insecurities that make us want to fill every moment with sound.
117:Headliners, consider doing a meet-and-greet after your shows.
The audience really appreciates it and it feels pretty good.
Mine rarely take more than 45 minutes so its not a huge time issue.
Dont charge for pictures or autographs.
128:How do I build an audience?
I have no idea.
Luck, timing, and hard work all come into play.
it’s possible for you to only control the hard work, so concern yourself with that.
Do unique comedy and trust they will find you.
Persist.128A: My manager Maureen Taran promised me in 1998, They will find you.
That helped a lot.
131:Modern audiences expect mostly new material every time they come to see you.
Good night, everybody!
177:Though not what it once was, TV is still a great way to add fans/followers.
I have a go at keep social media under an hour a day.
188:Judge the worth of a joke based on the response from ideal crowds.
Get in front of those crowds by opening for acts and performing in clubs that have cultivated ideal audiences.
I would have abandoned my most popular jokes if I judged by the average club crowd.
These are not laws but helpful guidelines, I hope.
Youll risk losing confidence in your most important work.
Or, kill for 20 minutes with easier jokes and then ease into the tough stuff.
265:On crowd work: Its fun to do and really blows an audience away.
Early on in your career, I think its best to deploy it sparingly.
317:Many times, the crowd hasnt settled down when you take the stage.
The best way to settle them down is to talk slowly and quietly until they are quiet.
Yelling at them to quiet down will make you into a substitute teacher.
332:Do not fixate on that one person with the stone face in the crowd.
It is distracting and is just reinforcing insecurities.
Instead, find those people who are getting you and let their reaction in.
Those are the ones who matter.
338:The very wise Jonny Donahoe said you only need 1,000 true fans.
They will come see your new show.
), and they will be back, maybe with a friend.
They pay well and thats to reimburse you for your dignity.
Part IX
BigBreaksandtheIndustry
Tip No.
27:You will be designing your set with a producer.
Most of them are excellent and can provide valuable insight.
J.P. [Buck] atConanand Jessica [Pilot] atColberthave beentremendous.
Be polite and professional.
Just clear changes with the producer.
If youre nice andwriteyoull get 60+ shots.
B-Rabbit got a second shot later that month!Persist.
If youre a napper, plan one that wont make you groggy at show time.
Run your set in your head or out loud many times.
Exercise.31B: Its still very hard to get a TV set.
Dont think about what it can lead to.
This is a milestone.
It doesnt have to lead anywhere.
The kid who watched stand-ups on TV growing up would be blown away by you.
Congratulations!31C: Watch me onConantonight!
Theyre a fun memento.
It will be your biggest audience of the weekendby far.
Many comedians still build a fanbase with radio.
Do your best stuff!
146:Treat your next album/special/TV appearance like its your first.Prepareobsessively!
Leave them not wanting to see more of you butneedingto see more of you because youcommittedfully to your performance.
Also, give a shot to avoid current slang.
I cringe hearing myself say F up my shit on my first album.
176:Shot my fourth special last night.
you’re free to cram for a late-night set, but a special is more like the SATs.
Thank you, Michael Bonfiglio, Judd Apatow, and HBO.
190:Be ready.
If a booker wants a five-minute set, have a video of you ready to send immediately.
Its the intersection of preparation and opportunity where a lot of fun occurs.
276:Promotion is really the only work in stand-up.
Best advice I got regarding promotion was they are paying you for the promotion, not the stand-up.
Its a fair deal considering I often perform for free.
Give it your energy and be professional.
309:Theres a bias toward performing our newest, freshest jokes.
Resist the temptation to do them for auditions or showcases or TV appearances.
You should do the jokes you are most confident in and have gotten the most reps with.
Let the new stuff ripen.
Part X
OntheRoad
Tip No.
103:On the road this weekend?
Open with a few jokes about the city.
No traffic jokes or jokes that seem like they had to have been done 1,000 times before.
Dont spend a ton of time writing, but make an effort.
Carousing post-show will delay that significantly.
180:On travel: Enroll in TSA and/or Clear to expedite your entry at the airport.
The time you will save and the stress you will eliminate is worth the initial time and money outlay.
Youll reduce the likelihood of missing a flight and of writing a hacky TSA bit.
I tell myself I can go back to bed after, but 99 percent of the time I dont.
Discuss in between shows and at meals paid for by the closer.
Collaboration is good for your act and your mood.
315:If you live in a cold climate, spend whatever you have to for warm gear.
Borrow if you have to.
If you’re free to, donate an old coat.
348:On the road its important to exercise to maintain/lighten your mood.
(A) Ask where the gym is when you check in.
(B) Change into exercise clothes as soon as you get in the room.
(C) Go exercise for ten-plus minutes.
(D) Nap if you still feel like it.
Part XI
BombingandRisks
Tip No.
93:Its okay to bomb.
Taking risks is essential to becoming an original voice.
Youshouldbomb occasionally, even frequently, if youre taking risks andcommitting!!!
Bomb taking risks, not with Tinder jokes.
100:When someone asks you if youre a god you say YES!
It will help you expand your limits.
If you fail, so what?!
Brian Koppelman told me this!
111:Zag.Takethe road less traveled.
148:What to do after you bomb: (A) Dont panic!
Its just one set.
Youll do thousands more.
(B) Take a few minutes to address mistakes.
(C) Watch the other comedians to see if they handled it differently/better.
(Sometimesits the crowd.)
149:With few exceptions (Todd Barry), everyone has bombed.
If you never bomb, theres something off.
Youre either not taking any risks or lying to yourself about the audience reaction.
Bombing for the right reasons is part of the process.
Maybe your goal is your first open mic.
Keep this quote in mind now and throughout your journey.
Take that leap offaith!
293:I used to respond to failure and rejection by spending days in bed.
Some setbacks completely derailed me.
A healthier approach to a setback is to ask yourself: How is this helpful?
In most cases it was that the no gave me more time to improve.
To create ones world in any of the arts takes courage.
Use the energy that comes with feeling brave to reach higher this weekend.
part XII
FeelingStuck
Tip No.
60:You will have countless setbacks if you stick with comedy.
Its okay to take a day or two to lick your wounds after a rejection.
71:I hate my act!
This is usually a good sign.
Use the frustration to motivate you to work in some new stuff tonight.
Soon youll have a new 20 minutes to be sick of.
83:Frustrated with a joke?
(1) Keep writing.
The next sentence could crack it,or (2) write about something else for a while.
Sometimes when you return, the subconscious has solved it.
Its frustrating, but when you solve it, its exhilarating.
134:In a writing drought?
Meet up with or call people you feel funny around and are generous laughers.
#CallYourMom
Tip No.
208:Ive quit comedy twice.
I kept jotting down ideas and when the itch to perform came back I returned with renewed vigor.
No shame in quitting if you must, but leave the door open.
When you come back youll be welcomed.
261:Its not that Im so smart, its just that I stay with problems longer.
If you persist, performing comedy will become one of those things.
Part XIII
Motivation
Tip No.
110:double-check youre in this because you love comedy and NOT because you love show business.
138:Go to a music concert this weekend.
A singer/musician works much harder than us.
The physical exertion is extraordinary.
Also, every word they say rhymes for two hours.
Let it inspire you to perform harder and write more intensely.
That stuck in mine.
It makes for a great aim for your work and also tells you how influential we can be.
Be responsible with this power!
#BenParkerTip
Tip No.
245:Its easier to live by Words to Live By if you are reminded of them frequently.
My front door:
Tip No.
267:Last day of Summer.
RT if you wrote every day and/or reached any of your summer goals.
Keeping to a routine in the summer is the toughest sorewardyourself!
Write your fourth quarter goals out by end of today.
If you want to go back to bed after, you’ve got the option to.
I didnt go back to bed once.
Ten minutes will probably work.
353:Be careful who you share your dreams and goals with.
Share them with people who will say F YEAH!
not Well … if … but.
Most of us have enough of the second one in our head already.
Part XIV
StayingFocused
Tip No.
11:Had a bad set?
Go home and write.
Had a great set?
Go home and write.
Bumped by Bob Saget?
Go home and write.
you should probably limit it though.
32:Todays tip is a challenge.
February is the shortest month.
I want you to writeevery single day.
You dont have to write all day.
You do have to write every day or be marked incomplete.
Put your head down.
Look up on March 1 a stronger comic.
42:If youre still with the challenge, writing every day is now habit.
Hopefully youve had a session where it flows.
When youre in a flow,dont stop.
Cancel appointments, stay up late, be late to lunch.
The Muse is elusive.
If you have her attention,write.
51:Get out of the house!
There are too many distractions and temptations (mostly to nap) in your home.
Go to a coffee shop or bookstore or library (my favorite) and write.
118:Last night, Colin Quinn filmed another magnificent special.
This weekend,prepare!
Either way its not helpful.
191:Early on (05+ years) you really need to prioritize stage time ofall kinds.
The reps will scrape off that amateurism, that neediness, that stilted delivery.
Even the greatest material cant surmount the glaring green of inexperience.
192:Over the next week, keep track of how youre spending your time.
Winning a hand of solitaire will never feel as good as finding an ending for a joke.
If youre killing time, youre murdering opportunity.
Pound that rock this weekend!
226:I started in Boston in 1993.
If it’s possible for you to manage it, find or create your Boston.
What will you give up to reach your goals?
253:Youre making a living at stand-up.
You didnt even have to write every day or get onstage every night to get there.
Arent you at all curious about how good you could be?
If so, go all out for the rest of 2019.
Put your head down and see what happens.
If you maintain high standards and work diligently you’re free to do great work indefinitely.
304:Maintain the highest quality in everything you put your name on.
If you cant give a project your focus or enthusiasm, then politely pass.
It is invaluable to have audiences and bookers who rely on you for great work.
305:You will hardly ever feel like writing.
Frequently you will be glad youre writing shortly after you start writing.
You will almost always feel better after youve written.
347:A worn-out ball was the sign of a kid who worked hard.
Now its empty pens, full notebooks, or keyboards that look like below.
Theyll call you obsessed, but its putting in that ridiculous level of effort that will produce great work.
357:Writing onconsecutivedays is important.
Two hours/day > eight hours twice/week.
Writing from the subconscious is how genius happens.
361:It seems like every great hoop player had the keys to the gym growing up.
Getting to do hourlong sets is the keys to the stand-up gym.
Its the single most important factor in improving every aspect of your act.Prepare zealously.
Part XV
UsefulExercises
Tip No.
Set a timer to your favorite number between 15 and 19 minutes.Write until the timer goes off.
Its hard to start doing something but once you start, inertia will help you keep going.
17:Youve been killing every night.
Youre not sure this is still a challenge.
For the next few months, ask to go on first.
Its a great test of your act.
The booker and host will love you for it.
30:Today, Remove your earbuds for an hour+.
Take time to ruminate in your head and toss around ideas.
If you’re able to think out jokes while listening to music, I envy you.
For a lot of us, near silence is best.
If you need the distraction for anxiety, I get it.
39:This weekend, spend two hours in an art museum.
Notice how meticulous and precise the artists are with their paintings/sculptures.
Consider the countless choices they made.
Seeing masterpieces up close makes writing a joke seem far less daunting.
40:This weekend, do something new and/or ridiculous.
47:Limitations often breed creativity.
Today, set in writing some restrictions for your act.
(I wont talk about ______.
Ill only write jokes this month about _______.)
It seems counterintuitive but it works.
65:Writing a new joke can be intimidating.
A good joke is just a collection of good sentences.
Today, write a funny sentence.
It can be to an existing joke or set up, or completely new.
70:Today, put together a list of the most embarrassing moments in your life.
Take one or two and write them out in detail.
A lot of us feel this is a major component of the best contemporary stand-up comedy.
75:Take acting classes.
Dont go to a culty one and double-check you get to act every class.
It will make you a better comic.
But @____________ never took a class and blah blah blah.
112:Holidays are rich topics with near-universal recognition for audiences.
This weekend, write about holidays and personal stories about them.
Just be careful not to do the ordinary takes or bite my All I Want For Chanukah Is Christmas.
115:Its been so long since I wrote.
Open your notebook or your joke file on your box and put in the date.
The hardest part is over.
Write some thoughts, a set list, goals,anything.
Keep writing until you cant, plus 15 minutes.
124:Sports is another subject with near-universal recognition for audiences.
Sports have been and continue to be a wellspring of content for me and many other comedians.
Today, write about your experiences as a participant, fan, or hater of sports.
Make a list of your most enduring childhood thoughts and memories and write about them.
164:Ten days until summer.
Start thinking about goals for this 91 days or promises to make to yourself regarding effort and dedication.
Keep the goals within your control, not reliant on gatekeepers.
Ill share some ideas and my aims over the next week or so.
165:Some goals: Write every day or 85/91 days for at least 15 minutes.
Write for 100 or 200 hours.
Get onstage 100 times.
Send X # of emails/texts asking for stage time.
Read four great books.
Write an outline and/or a chapter of a book.
175:Hopefully you started work on your summer goals yesterday.
If not we can call today the first day of summer.
Share your goal to hold yourself accountable.
Im going to do 90+ sets this summer and prepare three TV sets.
Its gonna be a good summah!
170:Summer goals: There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
This summer, write that story.
You dont have to perform it or make it funny.
It will inform your writing.
It may open you up on and offstage.
182:Sometime today, unless its too painful because of anxiety, sit in some boredom.
Keep a pen and paper handy but dont touch your phone.
183:Start an ambitious project.
Share your goal with people who will encourage and support you.
Before you know it, youll behalfway done.
Time passes whether youre working on your goal or not.
You might as well chip away every day.
202:List your stand-up weaknesses.
(Among 100+ others, I need to weed out numerous performance flaws.)
Write them down and take a pic and consult that pic before every show.
Work on at least one of those weaknesses every show.
206:About a month into the summer.
Go over the goals you set.
Note progress and reward yourself.
If youre lagging, figure out why.
236:I made a vision board in 09.
Theyve all happened for me.
Maybe coincidence, maybe subconscious reinforcement?
Regardless, very fun to make.
248:Offer to close long shows.
Ask for the time remaining or extra as a bonus for doing this challenging spot.
Its a great test of your skills and will be appreciated by bookers.
Im forever grateful to the Comedy Studio for giving me the last spot 1,000 times.
254:Summer is over soon.
Go over your goals fromTip 175to see how youre doing.
Start thinking about how you want to end 2019.
Dont coast to 12/31.
Sprint through the finish and set yourself up to break through in 2020.
283:There are things you love but havent done in years.
Do one of them this week.
The enthusiasm and fresh perspective may inspire some interesting writing.
Even if it doesnt, you reunited with a loved one.
290:Some crowds are actually too hot to be a good test of your material.
Put in some restrictions to make it harder.
Examples: Use all new material, no swearing, improv additions to old jokes.
Sometimes I dig myself a hole to see if I can win them back.
294:There are jokes that havent worked for us early on because we didnt have the right audience.
This weekend, revisit some jokes you believe in now that you have more receptive audiences.
But [] said the audience is always right!
301:Collect joke fragments and one-liners (unless you tell one-liners) in a file/folder.
Friend and super comic Tom Ryan calls it The Parts Store.
Review the collection regularly to see if anything is useful in another bit or you have something to add.
Force yourself to try some completely new jokes or premises.
I feel better bombing with new than killing with tried and true.
I believe along with a dozen other things that it contributed to my recovery.
335:This weekend is a good time to figure out your resolutions for 2020.
Get whatever items will make your plan work.
337:When taking a break, set a timer for 1530 minutes.
Dont turn on the TV or go online.
I find it best to walk and get coffee if I need it.
The breaks should allow you to refresh and let your subconscious do some work.
I usually get ideas on break.
341:(A) Write out an autobiography of a significant four- or five-year period of your life.
Be specific and detailed.
(B) Identify components that you could use for your act.
(C) Write it into your act.
(D) Repeat B and C.
Part XVI
Growth/Evolving
Tip No.
94:99 percent of us are awful for our first few years.
Its frustrating because we want to honor this art form we revere.
Havefaiththat youll improve if youget onstageas often as possible.
It isbizarreto learn a craft in public.
108:When is it time to move to New York or L.A.?
Are you the best comedian on nearly every show you do?
Dissatisfied with stage time?
Then start thinking about one of those cities or a bigger stand-up scene.
Like most fields, you get better by being around better.
154:When the alt-scene boomed in the 90s, many veteran comics resisted it.
Now the principles of it are mainstream, and those veterans work much less.
If you dont like change, youre going to like irrelevance even less.
169:Nope, its not good enough, scribble it out.
New pad, crinkle it up, and throw the shit out.
Be hypercritical of your writing.
Holding on to weak jokes keeps telling your brain that you cant do any better.
you’re free to.
#Now CallYourDad
Tip No.
205:Its not helpful to dwell on where you should be by now.
Instead, think about where you were a year ago or more.
If you cringe at what you were doing onstage thats great!
If there hasnt been much change, you gotta make a fearless inventory of your approach.
Dont be that veteran.
Keep writing and keep current.
You owe it to stand-up comedy and yourself.
287:Ive heard people advise comedians Stay in your lane!
Solid advice, if your aim is to stagnate and not challenge your limits.
If you want to evolve as an artist and human then ignore that nonsense.
Grow.Two menwho didnt stay in their lane:
Tip No.
You will get even better.
320:Aim for gradual improvement.
355:Reach out to someone you started comedy with but have not spoken with in a long time.
Perfect time of year for it.
Part XVII
MentalHealth
Tip No.
If its adding to your suffering, take a break and get healthy.
55:This one will meet with resistance.
Many of us lean toward sloth, but exercise, even just a long walk, fuels creativity.
Try your best not to listen to music or podcasts.
If youre ruminating on your act it counts as writing.
96:With any competitive field there are crabs trying to pull escapees back into the bucket.
Be polite, I guess, but dont let cynics and the embittered get in your head.
We need to pull each other up, not drag each other back to Sidesplitters Tampa.
133:Negativity and resentment are poisonous.
140:Writing while severely depressed/anxious is running in deep sand in ski boots.
Writing healthy this past year feels like running on the moon.
Opening up onstage about my experiences changed my life and career.
145:Dont fear antidepressants.
Ive taken them for 30 years.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medications one has to ingest.
Pat yourself on the back.
184:You may not always believe in yourself, especially if you suffer from mental illness.
Its important to have at least one person around who sees your potential.
They can be your eyes and ears when youre in the cloud of self-doubt.
Reach out to them today!
187:You have a great excuse to take today off.
Keep your streak going or start one with the extra free time you have today.
Write a little bit.
Youll feel good about it and youll enjoy the rest of the day more.
Hold for a count of seven.
Breathe out for a count of eight.
(2) Higher levels: Clonazepam.
(3) Highest: Consult my doctor (psychiatrist).Dont white knuckle it!
#BreatheNow
Tip No.
204:Years ago I went off my meds because I couldnt afford them.
I was too proud to borrow money.
Ask a friend/family member.
If it ever comes to that and you have my phone # (meaning were friends) reach outplease.
Think about getting a pet.
Cats are great too.
240:My depresh has been in remish for over a year now, but I remain ever vigilant.
Depression is arelentless enemy.
243:Think about group therapy for coping with mental illness.
With few exceptions, non-sufferers dont understand our day-to-day struggle.
I attend a free support group in NYC every week and it has helped me for years.
Its similar to AA, people who get it.
273:A wise woman I met at a meet-and-greet taught me about H-A-L-T.
When my mood feels off I ask myself Am I H-ungry, A-ngry, L-onely, or T-ired?
Then I attempt to do whatever I can to address it.
Ive added Have I exercised and meditated today?
281:It was clear inThe Great Depreshthat recovery is easiest when its a group effort.
Surround yourself with positive, supportive partners.
I am grateful for the dozens of people in my life who lifted me up.
You dont have to do it alone.
349:For too long I accepted low-grade depression/anxiety because I didnt have the energy/hope to fight for more.
And this: Ever Tried.
Ever Failed.No Matter.have another go.
350:You probably shouldntneedalcohol or drugs to do stand-up.
Its a perilous path that few have navigated successfully.
Maybe address it in a resolution.
Part XVIII
Money
Tip No.
25:There is no shame in working a day job.
Take notes.Caddyshackwas inspired by writers memories of working at a snooty golf club.
The insight your experience will bring to a joke/sitcom/screenplay is priceless.
Today, write about a job.
135:Dont quit your day job until its keeping you from taking quality road work.
Quitting to write more?
220:Try not to take too much work just for the money.
I believe theres a karmic price to pay for prostituting your talent.
Theres enough stress in writing without adding money woes.
So, keep a low overhead.
Of course, if desperation motivates you, enjoy!
Its tough earning a living from the undercard.
We wont forget who looked out for us (and who didnt).
339:Overtip the staff at the comedy clubs you work.
Its probably good business but more importantly itsgood.
Especially this time of year.
Choose day jobs carefully.
They shouldnt be taxing mentally and shouldnt require travel.
My favorite was high school substitute.
Part XIX
AttitudeandPerspective
Tip No.
That was the year Adam Sandler released The Chanukah Song.
Just jokes???
57:As they say in AA, Compare and despair.
Its human nature, but its time better spent reading/writing.
Be happy for the good guys/women/et al.
Keep your head down and work.
Someday it will be you.
A lot of us get nervous before and even during shows.
It may never go away, but the audience cant tell.
79:When you start thinking of yourself as an artist, it makes you work like one.
So, tell yourself youre an artist today and believe it and everything that goes with it.
Write as if you only have six months.
116:Be mindful of how you talk to yourself.
I have a habit of calling myself schmuck or dummy.
Trying to replace with #TheGul and The Incredible Gulk.
You would never allow anyone to talk to you the way you talk to yourself sometimes.
137:Making a living in this business is a bit of a long shot.
Try not to let that deter you or become a barometer for your success.
Whether youloveworking at it and doing it is the only way to measure your success.
147:Optimism and pessimism are probably equally accurate predictors of your comedy future.
Optimism is a more productive and fun philosophy to live under.
It also makes you more pleasant to be around, and that matters.
I mean startingright now, do art anddo it for the rest of your lives!
Kurt Vonnegut
Tip No.
194:Take your comedy seriously right up until you take the stage.
Then have the most fun you’re free to.
Let go and have faith that serious preparation will see you through.
I dont always do that, but Im at my best when I do.
198:Its not a competition.
Your colleagues success can only broaden the reach of our art form and make yours more likely.
Dont concern yourself with being better than anyone.
Thats not conducive to creativity.
Just make a run at bedifferentfrom everyone.
203:Gratitude is a powerful fuel.
Consciously reviewing my luck overpowers my fears and insecurities.
List five things youre grateful for.
Dont take all the credit for success.
More importantly, dont beat yourself up for not making it!
224:Berelentlessin every way.
In your pursuit of stage time.
In your joke writing.
In finding the right word.
In pursuing writing/performing jobs.
227:I get a lot of DMs asking for specific advice.
I used to write on the cover of every notebook: (1) Dont worry.Work.
(2) Ill figure it out.
Make your third reaction spreading the word about this person.
244:If it was gonna happen it would have happened by now.
Me, talking to me dozens of times over the years.
Are you doing stand-up?
Are you having fun?
Are you looking forward to your next show?
Money, fame mostly beyond our control.
256:Fake it til you make it.
Rhyming does not make something wisdom.
Whoever smelt it dealt it.
Its probably all three.
Unfortunately, we have no control over them.
Your notebook and your calendar are within your control.
Focus on them for now.
It keeps you honest.
Bruce Springsteen
Tip No.
Design a mission that is independent of grand outside forces like TV.
Thinking about what, who, or where I should be mostly brought anxiety, regret, and despair.
Take a deep breath and say Im exactly where Im supposed to be.
319:just, dont disqualify yourself from pursuing this because you have nerves or stage fright.
A lot of us get anxious before every TV set, some before every live show.
Good jokes will make up for any imperfections in your performances.
328:Avoid the expectation of managers and the levelers and the dont-get-your-hopes-uppers.
Part XX
ItsNeverTooLate
Tip No.
29:Feel likeIm too old.
Ive been doing it so long.
I cant get any better?
George Carlin said he really figured it out in 1988.
He was 51 and at the time he was GEORGE CARLIN!!!
Dont stop pushing yourself.
You owe it to your audience and yourself.
69:You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
Lewis (publishedThe Lion, The Witch… after 50).
like dont use your age to keep you from starting stand-up or improving as one.
You will just have to work harder than the kids.
85:Feel too old?
Thats like 65 today.
Hed written five or six books before but reached only a small audience.
It continues to heal and educate and inspire.c’mon dont give up!
218:At nearly every age Ive felt too old.
I look back at journals when I was 23 and I was lamenting my late start.
I was a child.
If youre alive, youre young enough.
Then I would go back and do whatever.
But at least I wouldnt torture myself the rest of my life, wondering whatever would have happened.
Bob Newhart.250A: I think you should be a child for as long as you’re able to.
I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that.
Dont rush into adulthood, it isnt all that much fun.
Use the childs perspective, energy, and passion to create.
275:Try stand-up at least once.
Getting laughs from strangers is the most exhilarating thing Ive ever done, and Ive dunked hundreds of basketballs.
Write down your funny ideas for a few months and then find an open mic.
If you already do it begrateful.
You should watch at least a few to quell your fears and make it real.
Youll see people that make you say I can do that!
Some will make you feel you cant.
Part XXI
RecommendedReading/Listening
Tip No.
12:Read Emersons Self-Reliancenow!
Already read it?Read it again.There is gold within.
It will be the least popular tip so far, but its actually the most valuable tip yet.
Donate to Wikipedia to thank me!Some have called it pap.I have found it invaluable.
18:Read books.
You need a huge inventory of words to write interesting jokes.
If you bombard your brain with words, it will improve your writing.
61:Even if youre not a topical comedian, have a go at stay informed.
80:Read thisby my friend Chris Gethard.
86:LISTEN TO THIS!
95:Over the next several months, take the time to become an expert in something new.
Read a few books and a ton of articles.
This exercise will give you a new topic and fresh beginners enthusiasm and perspective to write from.
Its also good for your brain.
106:Readandheed!This essayby Kurt Vonnegut has gotten me through so many rough times.
Print it and tack it up where you might see it when you need it.
If you take even one of them to heart, you wont need much else.
you might find all the joke formulas online.
Theyre the scales for jokes.
Learn them, use them.
162:I find so much motivation in the work habits of great athletes.
Read bios and articles about them.
193:25 years in, Im having my most creative run ever.
Ive written 2+ hours in 18 months.
Either way its heaven.
I read humor books and biographies of stand-ups and comedic actors and watch comedy docs and films.
Its fun in small bursts and brings inspiration and knowledge.
314:Print this out and hang it where you will see it frequently.
Memorize it and heed it.
Sean Fitzgerald gave me a copy in 1993 that I still have in Peabody.
What would you add to the essentials?
343:My brother/friend/hero interviewed Jeff Garlin and it is amasterclass in comedy and stand-up.Listen to it NOW.
Humility, confidence,joy.
Ive never told you to listen to an interview.
(2)Noonday Demon, Andrew Solomon.
(3)An Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison.
Buy them, gift them, discuss them.
Part XXII
TheFinalTips
Tip No.
365:To sum up: Write EVERY DAY.
Get onstage every night.
Record EVERY set AND LISTEN TO IT!
Be vigilant about your mental health.
BE THE COMEDIAN YOU WANTED TO SEE.
#PenultimaTip #Sisyphus12/30/19
Tip No.
366:Finish what you start.Keep your promises.Forgive yourself when you dont.The greatest teacher, failure is.
Yoda.Thank you and GOOD NIGHT!
