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Everyone gets to the North so freaking fast.
Make it make sense!!!
Jon gives a little campaign speech.
Sansa refuses to remove her domme outfit, even at a funeral.
Re and I cannot stress this enough spect.
Everyone is sitting shiva, which is to say, theyre drinking excessively and flirting over sliced meats.
Dany, absolutely soused but hiding it well, asks Gendry to run Storms End.
She hands him a big brown-paper bag full of deli pickles.
Sansa, whoseentire arc has been reduced to Suspicious Jealous Trauma Person, looks on suspiciously and enviously.
Tyrion interrupts his reverie.
What, exactly, are you trying to prove vis-a-vis these watermelons?
I dont need to prove anything, he says.
Okay, but just to be clear, youre Lord of Winterfell now, says Tyrion.
I am not, says Bran.
I am the Watermelon King of Space.
Hour four of the shiva.
Everyone is blacked out and trying to fuck.
Except for Chris Harrison.
Hes standing in the back, with theBachelorcrew.
He waves at Jon.
Dont forget, youre still under contract, he mouths.
Wine pours out both sides of his mouth.
He looks at Dany and forces a grin.
Not because she is his aunt.
Dany smiles back, gripping her wine goblet so hard it shatters into a thousand pieces.
Neither breaks the others gaze.
Sansa watches both of them out of the corner of her eye.
She begins sweating underneath her domme harness.
She storms off to shower and then get dressed in the exact same outfit again.
All of the men of the North are patting Jon on the back really hard.
He tries to escape, but cannot.
After all, she was raised Catholic.
It is thusly revealed that Brienne is a virgin.
Embarrassed, she gets up to pee and find a corner to eat some lox.
Tormund moves to join her, grabbing a fistful of bagels.
You also need tomatoes and red onions!
Tormund bursts into sobs.
A totally random Northern woman propositions him.
Were reminded thatPodrick also fucks.
Sansa sits down with the Hound.
Heard you were broken in rough.
Sansa: And he got what he deserved.
I gave it to him.
The Hound: How?
The Hound[chuckling]: Youve changed, Little Bird.
None of it would have happened if you left Kings Landing with me.
No Littlefinger, no Ramsay none of it.
Lets unpack this briefly, shall we?
That she would not be a Strong Female Character without them?
Meanwhile, she is the only person who does not get a Shiva Fuck Plot?
Gendry goes to find Arya, who is shooting arrows alone in the garage.
Why arent you drunk as hell?
Should we resume our Fuck Plot from before?
Im drunk on self-sufficiency, says Arya.
Will you marry me?
Uh, literally this is a shiva, says Arya.
But incidentally, no, I will not.
yo make me a little sandwich from the deli tray, though.
Do you want it on rye or wheat?
Both, says Arya.
Wow, it is toas-tay in here!
he says, tearing off his pleather H&M jacket.
Brienne takes off her Ann Taylor Loft peasant top.
They begin to make out wildly.
After years and years of Fuck Plot tension, we finally get a Fuck Plot resolution.
Chris Harrison, just outside the door, rubs his hands together in anticipation.
This is the Fantasy Suite episode, boys!
he tells the remaining crew (most of them were killed by the White Walkers).
But shes his aunt, right?
asks one of the cameramen.
Im still really confused about whether this is a thing for them or not.
Chris Harrison throws him out a window.
Jon, I know youre afraid of me, but I love you, says Dany.
Im not afraid of you, confesses Jon.
Well, actually, yes, I am.
But Im more afraid of your sons.
Just last week one of them put a frog in my coffee cup.
And yesterday I woke up handcuffed to my bed, covered in silly string.
Thats how they show affection, silly!
Ever seenThe Parent Trap?
Not the original, but the Nancy Meyers one?
Jon looks at Chris Harrison, whose head is popping in through the door.
Say yes, he mouths.
We can watch it later, I have the Blu-ray in my bag.
I love the episode where they trap the parents, he says.
Im happy your sons like to have fun.
I just need to know that I can trust them before I give you the final rose.
Were hardly in a position to throw stones, he says.
Dany looks at him curiously.
What do you mean?
Should we continue our Fuck Plot?
That was fun, says Jon.
Actually, one more small thing, says Dany.
You cant be the king.
Okay, says Jon.
I told you like 40 times I dont want to be king.
But I need to tell my sisters youre my aunt.
Everybody is hung-over and full of regret.
The bagels have gone stale because nobody remembered to put them in plastic bags with those little twisty ties.
Little pieces of smoked salmon litter the castle.
In the garage, an entire dessert platter has fallen onto the windshield of Jon Snows Volvo.
This time, nobody can agree on where to move the tiles.
Dany is being reckless, throwing tiles all around the room.
Tyrion wants to keep the tiles in one little neat pile.
Sansa wants to put the tiles away for a while and do something else.
Jon is like, What if we dont touch the tiles and just look at them?
Ultimately, Jon decides they will throw the tiles all over the room because Dany wants to.
He cant risk another tense conversation in tight jackets.
Arya tells Jon that she and Sansa need a word.
The Starks are yelling at Jon Snow in Brans office.
Its a crossover episode ofSuccession.
I dont trust Dany, says Arya.
I only trust myself.
And Bran, who is going to have a great start-up.
Bran smiles and waves from his desk.
Only two watermelons to go!
If you only trust yourself and Bran, youll never make friends, says Jon, flailing.
Im not here to make friends, says Arya.
She looks at Chris Harrison and winks.
Bran actually has something to tell you, then, says Jon.
Bran stares at him blankly.
Bran, you know, says Jon.
The thing you told me … about the thing?
Bran opens his laptop.
Again, only men find the post-consensual, non-incest-fucking conversation with your bros more compelling than the fucking itself.
Fortunately, Bron interrupts this boring display of lazy writing and threatens to kill the Lannister brothers.
Tyrion promises him Highgarden instead.
I miss the shiva.
Arya and the Hound are off to Kings Landing to kill some people.
Good thing we spent ten separate scenes watching the Lannister brothers shoot the shit, though.
The Hound shows Arya his one bruise.
Cool, she says.
Mine is a little more evocative, though still disturbingly low-key, considering the circumstances.
Again: This makes sense, and I love it!
Sam reminds Jon that he has had sex.
Im not just a nerd, says Sam.
I had sex again.
Thanks for the hair-gel tutorial.
Everyone is sailing to Dragonstone.
They get there in 45 seconds, even though past trips across Westeros have taken entire seasons or longer.
Their scene is meant to foreshadow Danys mental breakdown, which is coming entirely out of nowhere.
How do we get Jon Snow on the Iron Throne without pissing off a bunch of feminists?
Amanda Peets husband must have asked, eating crabs legs out of a polar-bear head.
Yeah, but like … said Amanda Peets husbands writing partner.
I know, said Amanda Peets husband.
Okay, lets make her hysterical.
Gigantic arrows for gigantic dragons, why didnt I think of that?!
Anyway, two dead children means Dany is 20 percent more hysterical now.
More big arrows puncture the deck of Grey Worms ship.
Everyone falls into the sea.
Fortunately, all of the main characters wash up on a beach like the Little Mermaid.
Her hair is looking like season one of Justin Biebers career.
She tells Euron shes pregnant with our child, and he gets too horny.
We are not at the shiva right now.
Everyone is back to moving tiles around.
In a very large, sturdy boat?
How did they get there?
I am hysterical now.
My makeup is starting to look slightly bad and my hair ever so slightly off to indicate this.
c’mon keep up.
Even so, she agrees to a farcical attempt at a calm resolution with Cersei.
Varys and Tyrion are having another gossip sesh about Danys mental health.
She would bend him right over and peg him til the end of time.
Theyd get absolutely nothing done.
Varys tells Tyrion hes going to do something shady to Dany in the name of the realm.
We dont know their names, but theyre just as real as you and I, he says.
Unless theyre not white.
Then we will kill them indiscriminately in hordes and not make a huge deal about it.
Jaime is wandering about Winterfell in his Topman cape.
He stumbles upon Sansa and Brienne, who tell him about all of the bad tile-moving.
Jaime fucks Brienne, THEN thinks about this.
He decides to leave without saying good-bye, and Brienne follows him, weeping, begging him to stay.
Again: This totally tracks with Briennes characterization thus far!
Shed absolutely run after a man in a boxy coat and cry into his frat beard.
Back at Kings Landing, outside of Cerseis castle.
Qyburn saunters out in his best Diane Keaton drag to tell them all to get a grip.
Tyrion ignores him, waltzing toward Cerseis castle and appealing, yet again, to her humanity.
All of her guards get ready to kill him.
But she cant do it, because then the show would be over.
So instead, she decapitates Missandei.
Her head topples down the side of the castle.
Danys eyes get redder, more flyaways escape her braids, her foundation becomes more uneven.
She should have used Fenty, but its too late now.
She wont be wearing foundation again.
She grits her teeth and shakes violently, then runs off-camera.
