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Episode 1: Dash
Why does this narrator want me to cry?
Imagine youre in New York and its Christmas and youre surrounded by people.
No, narrator, I absolutely will not.
It is a COVID winter, bitch!
Was Timothee Chalamet unavailable for this role?
Did the casting call just have a picture of his sweet little face under the requirements section?
How old is this guy supposed to be?
Where are his parents?
Good sweater, though.
Specifically a store that is currently under fire because its owner reportedly bought Amazon stock with a PPP loan.
Okay, the Strand clerk called him kid, again I ask … how old is he?
What woman in her right mind is asking strange men in New York City to come find her?
Ride the subway like once, itll happen and it wont be pleasant.
Thus, I have come to the conclusion these are in fact supposed to be children.
Children who, uh, apparently make snide jokes about James Patterson novels?
Find the book where Santa Claus shows up to hand out weapons to kids?
Priya, I assure you, she has.
What teenager throws a party on Christmas Eve for other teenagers?
Again, I ask, parents?
If you are not a teenage boy, like return the notebook the the shelf.
Wait, is he doing Joni Mitchells River?
Did we not watchThe Politician, people?
Ben Platt called and he would like a word.
Did Netflix just already have the rights for this song kicking around the office?
Remember getting crushed by people and stuff on the subway?
Ah yes, a depressing French film about murder.
Known favorite genre of teens everywhere.
Can his father not hear the blaring alarm in the background of this phone call?
What teen likes brandy?
Your parents are gone and you have free rein of the alcohol and you go for brandy?
What did those Christmas decorations ever do to you buddy?
More specifically, who is using it as foreplay?
Boomer is absolutely going to fail at this sting operation, isnt he?
(Reader: He does.)
Really what girlislike other girls, I ask?
If everybody is sarcastic and sophisticated and sadistic, none of us are.
Once again, I must ask how old these two are supposed to be??
I am going to the wrong parties.
Why has nobody told this literal child it is okay that she doesnt have a love story yet?
Its okay that all youve got is family, you actual baby.
And your devoted grandfather is headed to Florida?
This is … so mean?
Where is this apartment?
Who is falling in love with a Grindr hookup in the span of several hours?
How is Lily carrying that giant Christmas tree alone?
I have tried this, its damn near impossible.
(Oh, just kidding she dropped it, never mind.)
Do you ever knock, Lily?
Somebody talk to me about this teal paint in Langstons bedroom.
Youre telling me there isnt one other weird girl at the all-girls school?
Isnt that the point of the all-girls school?
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeeris a depressing Christmas movie?
Lily, why are you victim-blaming dead grandma for getting run over?
Why is Boomer a better person than everyone else on this show?
Can we get a Boomer spin-off where we dont have to pretend to care about Timothee Chalamet 2.0?
Who in this town isnt Lily related to?
The Macys Santa … sure, why not?
What is Uncle Sal doing for Christmas?
Maybe Lily can celebrate with him?
Wait … this roof view is of the city skyline.
Do they live in Brooklyn?
Maybe Benny the dancer lives in Brooklyn?
Shouldnt these children still be in school?
Episode 3: Hanukkah
Hmm, when was the last time I was in Grand Central?
Remember leaving New York?
Hes just gonna leave the notebook in Central Park and hope nobody steals it?
Why are middle schoolers the absolute worst?
Who sleeps on the roof … in December … in a New York City apartment building?
Why am I so jealous of Lily in this sweaty basement club underneath a knish bakery?
Thats a 17-year-old boy?
No, that is a grown man on shore leave and home for Christmas.
But suspending my disbelief, why do his parents not care that hes at a club at 2 a.m.?
It looks like your house is being actively burgled and you just … go inside?
Episode 4: Cinderella
Do none of these kids know how to Google?
(Sorry, sorry, I take it back, I see now that is against the rules.)
Where do I download this mommy app?
What do you know know, another extremely normal apartment!
Did you see the active fires in the two different fireplaces?
Do you believe in musical theater??
just tell me everything about the Blue Man Group incident.
I must know everything.
Which of the two dining tables in this giant apartment do you think they eat at?
How fun to be able to sit at one dining table for six people and see another one.
What does Boomers boss think of him sprinting out of work all the time?
Wait, he got to Dyker Heights by 5 p.m.?
There is simply no way.
Is this what teens are doing now?
SendingGossip Girlass spotted photos of themselves to each other?
One sentence per page?
Youve grown up so damn cute!
Lily, yo, run, this is an adult man.
What do you see in this asshole, Leeza the microbiologist?
Where have I seen this smashing snowmen with a baseball bat scene before?
(Answer:Meet Me in St. Louis.I should really rewatch that.)
Where does everyone on this show get these nice turtleneck sweaters from?
Sorry, this teen rented out this entire restaurant the night before the night before Christmas?
But tomorrow night shes also throwing a party?
Apple pie and cheddar?
Whats the deal here?
Her dad is interviewing for a job on Christmas?
At this point, who doesnt knowDie Hardis a Christmas movie?
Why is it alwaysIn Cold Bloodwith these dudes?
How drunk is this Edgar kid already?
Oh, whats that?
Boomer trying once again to save Dashs sorry ass and Dash being an ungrateful little baby?
Complaining about the geographic impossibilities ofHome Alone 2just days after your impossible journey to Dyker Heights, Dash?
When was the last time it lightly snowed on Christmas Eve in New York City?
Who is handing out the keys to museums to children?
Oh God, are they going to bone in the museum?
Episode 7: Christmas
Why do Lilys parents secretly hate her?
After 17 years of family traditions, they were just like no <3.
Who goes out in two different shoes?
Was Boomer named Boomer just to make an okay, Boomer joke?
Have they made that joke yet?
Have I dissociated from my body yet?
Who are these adults who are getting a sad teenager very drunk in a dive bar on Christmas?
Why does Dash think he has the right to be mad about this?
Lily, youre better than him!
Oh, okay, so now your parents care about what youve been up to?
Episode 8: New Years Eve
Hello, friendly Strand employee.
Do you like your job?
Do you feel like you are treated fairly by your employer?
Where is everybody getting these good turtlenecks?
Wait, sorry, you dumped your boyfriend because he was going on a vacation for … two weeks?
And then were incredibly cruel to your little sister when she still tried to comfort you?
Langston, you suck.
Everybody except Boomer, you suck.
Why does it take him so long to scroll through … hashtags (???)
to find his best friends Instagram account?
Why are we at Hudson Yards?
(Fun fact, thats the official motto of Hudson Yards.)
How is it still doing this nice dusting of snow thing?
The ground would be disgusting slush by now IRL.
What is Nick Jonas doing here?
Was that aCamp Rockjoke?
Oh God, is Nick Jonas talking about proposing to … Priyanka Chopra?
Congrats to Nick Jonas.
Six hours to an international flights and youre just chilling at the dinner table?
I am so stressed, kindly finish packing and call your car early.
What if there is traffic on the way to Queens?
After all that, youreNOTgoing to give your sister the journal from the boy who loves her?
Who keeps letting these kids into places unaccompanied?
At least Serena using Dans dads gallery for her Christmas surprise made a modicum of sense.
Why is my brain set on usingGossip Girlas a standard for reality?
Have I left my apartment yet today?
I should probably get some air.
Edgar, c’mon, go home.
When did Dash have time to make that little custom red notebook ornament?
That was for sure Boomer.
