Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
All happy couples are alike; each couple in aNoah Baumbach movieis unhappy in their own way.
Sometimes one feels like theyre too good for the other, and sometimes both think theyre slumming.
Oftentimes, they break up, and yet still manage to infuriate each other from afar.
Either way, nearly everyone in Baumbachs filmic repertoire is freaking miserable.
Thats not the point of this piece.
The point is that we must figure out which of his onscreen couples is themostmiserable.
Below is an attempt to do just that.
They must also appear together onscreen (a handful of Baumbachs couplings are phone-only or referred to obliquely).
Granted, theyre 18, but still.
They take a happy little trip to Maine.
He attends her other, shittier sons talent show.
She publishes a novel.
He accompanies her terrible ex-husband Bernard into an ambulance.
Why is your mother dating all these jocks?
Very uninteresting men, asks Bernard midway through the film.
Marina and Fletcher, best friends of protagonists Cornelia and Josh, seem to have it all figured out.
Its a love Ive never felt, she explains to Cornelia of her child.
Dont take that the wrong way, she adds to Fletcher.
Oh, no, I know exactly what you mean.
They could go to Europe anytime, but they dont.
Not every time, says Josh.
Eventually, they right the ship, with Josh admitting hes been acting like a man-child.
You feel that way, too?Overall Misery Level:Conquerable midlife crisis
20.
Did you leave the front door open?
For the ConEd guy, says Maureen.
That was three days ago!
But while both are miserable alone, theyre a little bit less so with each other.
They do, of course, continue to have awkward sexual encounters and strange, destructive interpersonal interactions.
In the end, both seem calmed by the others presence.
Thats just the worst.
Ive inherited a tragedy.
Did you get that it was about her cunt?
Shes marrying him for a lack of better ideas; hes cheating on her with their high-school-age babysitter.
He is openly jealous of Bono.
When he loses at croquet, he throws a mallet and screams fuck you!!!
Im off to Prague …
I know that Pragues a cliche now, says Jane.
Czechoslovakia is the worst place to go, says Grover.
Its not clear what they despise more: the concept of Eastern Europe or each other.
Its a Connecticut sort of misery.
It works for them.
I know you loved him for his money, but I really love him as a person.
I love his blond hair and his beard.
And also his money.
But in that order.
Dylan is still in love with Brooke You want to smoke my weed?
Im hugging you.Overall Misery Level:Connecticut
13.
The 90s were on some serious pre-incel shit.
Fortunately, Ramonahas an amazing coatin this movie.
The original Hannah Horvath, Lester is also obsessed with the idea that hes the voice of his generation.
Later, Vince joins the same group and impersonates Lester with an utterly inexplicable British accent.
We love differently, Lester.Least Miserable Moment:The movie ends with Ramona and Lester reconciling (?!)
at a wedding.Overall Misery Level:Generically unhappy
12.
Jealousythat can only be described as a gentle circus of the mundane.
Diane is a classic pre-Gerwig Baumbach woman: high-strung, needy, unhinged.
Travis is an idiot.
After clashing over the structure of their first two parties, Diane and Travis break up.
Nobody in this arrangement is happy or fulfilled.
The movie begins with both listing each others best qualities.
Soon, though, things turn nuclear.
Nicole decides she wants sole custody.
Charlie accidentally stabs himself in the arm during a custody screening and brings up Nicoles drinking in court.
Everybody shits on the city of Los Angeles.
Both sing Sondheim in a public setting.
Sophie is a wry book editor with incredible glasses.
Are you gonna marry Patch?
No, says Sophie.
I miss my job, she says.
I miss old skyscrapers.Overall Misery Level:Chemical depression
8.
He admits he has never dated a woman he didnt cheat on.
He is punched in the face by Lester in a public setting for fucking Ramona.
Jamies in love with Jamie, Darby tells Josh over drinks, before trying to kiss him.
Later, she leaves him, calling him a fucking asshole.
Ill give you $200 not to get the cats, she says.
He responds by asking her to move in.
Oh, wow, she says.
I mean, I do have this other thing.
I promised Sophie Id stay through the lease.
The conversation is so deeply, profoundly loveless that it leads to an automatic breakup.
This hasnt been great for a while, they agree.
Lets move in together, says Dan.
It is full of truly insufferable men who have very few redeeming qualities.
For example, Skippy!
Appropriately, Miami is cheating on him with their friend Max.
As such, her relationships are profoundly miserable as well.
She believes everyone is autistic.
It makes me feel like you dont know me.
You make me feel like shit, she says, because I wouldnt have stopped.
I hate myself when Im with you.
He pretends to have written Roger Waterss Hey You and performs it at a school talent show.
He is rude to Laura Linney.
He tells poor Sophie things like, I wish you didnt have so many freckles on your face.
Most importantly, he is an awful kisser.
I usually go for much longer.
Everythings so serious, suddenly.
Why am I feeling this pressure from you?
Vince and Lucretia (Carlos Jacott and Marianne Jean-Baptiste),Mr. Jealousy
Lucretia hates Vince.
I do not understand why theyre together and the movie never makes it apparent.
At one point, she pushes a stove down the stairs because hes an hour late for their date.
At another, she gets angry at him for looking at the protagonist of a movie for too long.
Later, she yells at him for eating a cheeseburger.
They convey this instantaneously through one of themost microcosmically fucked-up tennis games Ive ever seen.
