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Mary-Kate and Ashley do not want me to remind you about this.
In fact, theyve spent the duration of their adult lives painstakingly detaching themselves from this legacy.
They skulk around New York City in massive sunglasses, hiding behind sheets of dripping-wet hair.
I both admire and fear the effort.
So lets dive in.
From 1992 to 2004, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen starred in a total of 36 movies.
They do share some consistencies: In each, they play twin sisters engaged in some kind of caper.
More often than not, they play regular girls named things like Chloe and Riley and Maddie and Roxy.
They switch places with regularity.
They are often kidnapped.
Their parents are usually unmentioned or appear only in voiceover, divorced, widowed, or dead.
Their eyes always betray a profound sadness known only to overworked child stars.
Most of these films feature original song-and-dance routines that transcend the constraints set by their respective plots.
There are, occasionally, accompanying albums, too.
Only two of these full-length features ever played in theaters:It Takes TwoandNew York Minute.
The Olsens once (actually, many times) asked us: Who stole the great Hope Diamond?
What killed the dinosaurs?
Who makes the finest pizza?
A brief note on criteria: Im only including films that the twins starred in together.
Just like it goes down in the real UN!
The most surreal moment:This girls hair.
Both do play soccer, though, to be clear.
Their dad, a boy, is a soccer coach obsessed with winning at sports.
kindly draw this as a Venn Diagram, then come back.
The lesson:Everyone is good at soccer in their own special way.
says one of the girls.
Think he could play for us?
This is never explained.
The twins ride their bikes from California to Transylvania, alone, to see if a house is haunted.
They pause in the middle to sing a song about adding the suffix ology to various words.
The ghost turns out to be a rogue beekeeper.
The lesson:There is no afterlife.
The lesson:Honestly, not sure.
We simply cant do that here.
The lesson:you might learn fashion in a matter of 30 minutes.
The most surreal moment:Ashley sings about creating a new trend: buttons that glow in the dark.
The lesson:Practice, practice, practice,bitch!
Ashley as Taylor is extremely intense, and Mary-Kate as Kylie is extremely chill.
The lesson:Trust strangers who have private jets but do not trust strangers otherwise; they steal cars.
It turns out to be a parrot.
The lesson:It is important to practice zen detachment from material goods.
The lesson:Occams Razor: one should not make more assumptions than the minimum needed.
Which is ironic, considering the fact that we are now watching these clips on YouTube.
27.Youre Invited to Mary-Kate & Ashleys Camp-Out Party(1998)
The plot:Mary-Kate loves horses.
They are catastrophically out of party ideas, so they settle on camping.
You know this already, but no adults supervise this trip.
The lesson: To pack for camping, theres just two rules: Do we need it?
Weve had every kind of party known to man, Mary-Kate.
What kind of party should we have now?
asks Ashley, growing increasingly panicked.
They decide to deconstruct and decimate their moms (a mom!)
closet and throw a costume party.
The lesson:It can be difficult to sit alone with your own thoughts.
The most surreal moment:The twins are stunned by the notion of an ice-cream social.
They beam themselves into the future to check out their ice-cream social (?
), where they are dressed in 1950s outfits.
Mary-Kates tomboyish Amanda is an orphan we hit both tropes here!
(Kirstie Alley).
Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is allowed to wear gigantic sweaters with baggy pants AND play a romantic lead.
The dream of the 90s is alive and well inIt Takes Two.
The lesson:Buy things like airspace before a technological trend takes off.
The whole thing is very chilling a laLord of the Flies.
Its just a monkey.
The lesson:Monkeysareterrifying, though.
Eventually, they run Bart off a raging waterfall and save the ranch.
The lesson:The Olsen twins are unlikely anti-capitalists.
and utters the phrase, Im enjoying the good graces of my affluent father.
Also, the only time any people of color appear in the film set in the Bahamas!
is when theyre awkwardly shoehorned into the international scandal chase montage at the end via black-and-white still photos.
They find themselves scrambling from a schedule perspective.
The only interaction they have with an adult is with a FedEx employee.
The lesson:Christmas is about giving and receiving.
At the end, theyperform for the mall patrons,contradicting their alleged normie status.
The lesson:The Rachel haircut trend did not miss the children of Minneapolis.
To find him a girlfriend, the twins paint a billboard advertising his attributes.
Regretfully, the entire mystery is spoiled by the films title.
The lesson:The Adventures Of series is really a thinly shrouded defense of science over blind faith.
This would be their final serial film.
Unfortunately, they are insatiable gossips and cannot stop revealing their protected status to their peers.
They are sent to every single location in the entire world.
The lesson:The Witness Protection Program has too high of a budget.
to live with their ambassador grandfather.
At one point they convince a government official to support the notion of clean drinking water.
The lesson:Dont send horny tweens to Paris.
One of the twins French paramours wears a beret at midnight and refers to her asmy creme brulee.
The lesson:Kids need to be supervised.
At one point, Ashley dresses up like a tavern wench.
Another chilling meditation on the loneliness of fame.
The lesson:Do not trust the authorities.
They collaborate with vigilante children.
Wed make a few changes, and bend a few rules, they sing, hauntingly.
The dad is hot and their parents are far too sexually interested in each other for a childrens movie.
The lesson:Do not go to Sea World.
The most surreal moment:The twins calmly walk around trying to find a corpse for 27 minutes.
They board a cruise ship, alone, in pursuit of said corpse.
They sneak onto said cruise ship inside a gigantic box.
They discover it was stolen by a mime named Bobo who was impersonating their fathers boss, Mr. Kramer.
The lesson:it’s possible for you to make mucho dinero selling a proprietary computer program about dolphins.
The most surreal moment:An entire scene centers on the girls parents making out aggressively in public.
Mary-Kate is Shane, a hippie LA vegetarian who is in harmony with nature.
Ashley is Elizabeth, a nice student who lives in DC and hates nature.
Children of an acrimonious divorce (you know this already), they never speak.
When both sign up for the sameSurvivor-esque reality series in Mexico, theyre horrified.
The lesson:Vegans and studentscanbe friends.
The girls escape down the beach, running off camera.
And thats not just in the movies!
The twins solve the hardware problem by finding a snake inside the airlines computer.
The lesson:You cant stop the spirit of Christmas, even if Santa is in an aeronautical accident.
What can we say?
Were totally crazed, cant you see?
The twins discover the ranch is merely built atop an active geological site overflowing with oil.
The lesson:The Olsen twins are shills for BP.
Later, they sing a song called Its Not Logical about the murky paradoxes of the universe.
OKAY, GEORGE BUSH.
What is the color of clear?
Its not listed on IMDb as an Olsen release.
Its only available on Amazon in VHS format or ripped on YouTube.
The girls dance with pieces of broccoli.
I thought being a kid would be fun!
Meanwhile, this films particular international scandal centers on stolen couture and men with heavy Italian accents.
The lesson: As one fellow intern aptly puts it, Women and shopping.
But this is never addressed.
Being cold and cruel, she refuses.
Aunt Agathas personal grave digger (!)
The twins set out torescue Sophia from the mirror.
The lesson:Do not use moonstones recklessly.
(kindly note that in real life, the Olsen twins are fraternal.)
By the end, they want to be identical again.
The most surreal moment:Honestly, this is hard.
Is it when several people become turtles?
(Imagine if their parents had named them in the opposite order chaos.)
They are not friends.
Their father, played by Dr. Drew for literally no reason, is widowed.
They are abducted, briefly, twice.
The most surreal moment:This film is gorgeously demented.
Roxy wears flip-flops around Manhattan on purpose.
Jane scolds Roxy for helping a homeless man.
Later the girls end up inside a sewer.
Eugene Levy is a truancy officer whose entire life is based around stalking and exposing Roxy.
The Osbournes have supporting roles.
A key plot point revolves around a dog taking a shit.
Most upsettingly, they spend an inordinate amount of time in Times Square.
