Save this article to read it later.
Find this story in your accountsSaved for Latersection.
Omnivorousness has long superseded pickiness, and there are seats at the table for acknowledging excellence in all genres.
ExceptChristmas music; it remains not only acceptable, but in fact popular, to dump on Christmas music.
I like the ones about baby Jesus.
I like the ones about gee whiz, its Christmastime in the city, and everyones hustling and bustling!
I like the ones about Santa bringing toys.
I like the ones about its a snowy time of year, but lets go on a date anyway.
I like the ones about Im sad at Christmas because my babys gone.
I like the ones about Im sad at Christmas because Im an old man thinking about Christmases of yore.
I like the ones about Jingle Bell Rocking Around a Christmas Goose.
I like the Victorian ones about singing at a door for handfuls of pudding.
Not only is Christmas musicnice, actually, it may be the best genre, full stop.
Ill tell you why.
It transcends religion.
Still, I grew up with carols and Charlie Brown.
Also, as my mom will remind you, Irving Berlin wrote White Christmas.
It alters our perception of time.
Songs of summer come and go.
Once-ubiquitous hits of the past are relegated to throwback playlists.
Year-end album lists codify the past and flush the slate for the future.
Youre at the office holiday party, from back when you saw people in person.
Youre home from your first semester away at college.
Youre at a mall Toys R Us eyeing the possessed Furbies.
You remember details about your grandparents that you havent thought about in a while.
And thats Goth as hell.
No genre is better atyearning.
Secular Christmas music goes hand in hand with two things: Sparkly lights and jazz standards.
The maximalist production on the Ronettes Frosty the Snowman and Sleigh Ride pair all too well with wassail.
It defies trends.
I, for one,welcomethe psychotic synths of Wonderful Christmastime.
Decades down the road, they sound just as much like Christmas as any classic Pachelbel shit.
It has fun, underused percussion.
When else do you hear jingly, tinkly bells?
When else do you hear big ding-dong church bells?
Very occasionally, non-Christmas music employs these bell noises and is heralded as polyphonically exhilarating for it.
See:Pet Sounds.See also: (Theres) Always Something There to Remind Me.
Those bells are Christmassy and festive as fuck and are an example of how we can nay, should!
incorporate more Christmas-music aesthetics into our full calendar year.
Its Rousingly Sing-along-able.
The ubiquity of Christmas music, its very annoying overfamiliarity, is what makes it inclusive.If (bigif!)
Its the last bit of monoculture weve got.
It still inspires genuinely good new music.
Worlds Most Famous non-HousewivesMormonBrandon Flowersis an indefatigable musical Christmas elf.
To write off the genre is to write offthe beautiful variety of original music it still inspires.
It comforts my 2020 incel heart.
Ninety-five percent of music is about sex, and the other 5 percent is about relationships.
This year, due to social distancing and the pandemic and my unattractive personality, I have had neither.
This year, theyre making me feel a little less alone.
But it can be horny, too.
Remember:Eyes Wide Shutis a Christmas movie.
Christmas is a horny, horny season.
The deeply cursed duet Baby, Its Cold Outside was many peoples first introduction to concepts of rape culture.
People don’t know@MariahCareywrote “Where Are You Christmas?”
That was from the perspective of Cindy Lou Who.
Here’s me and @HenryKoperski doing it.pic.twitter.com/8IsBpJgae9
These songs let the pop girlseat.
Whitney Houstons Do You Hear What I Hear?
In 2000, she wrote the fucking impeccable Where Are You Christmas?
for theGrinchmovie and, in the true spirit of true Christmas generosity, let Faith Hill take it.
In 2010, she gave us the underrated, delightful Oh Santa!
Carey stillgets to set newBillboardrecords.
