Bachelor in Paradise
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There are just so many things to talk about this episode, which is chock-full of completely idiotic drama.
Not a moment went to waste.
This episode ofBachelor in Paradisereally used every part of the animal.
What the fuck is he doing?
What is Blaketryingto do here?
Is there a dance hes approximating?
And at the end … are thosefinger guns?
Sideways finger guns?Are you kidding me right now?
Blake has very strong Kid in a suit at a seventh-grade dance energy, and itsunwatchable.
Okay, with that old business out of the way, lets get to it.
The episode picks up right wherewe left off, with the arrival of Angela and her pursed lips.
This bitch is serving face at every turn, and that face is Evil Queen.
Mike says that Clay must be having World War III in his head.
Clay has done nothing but say that Angela is a great person and their relationship is over.
How does this translate into CLAY AND ANGELA STILL LOVE EACH OTHER?
She has no body mass.
Sweet Christ,thats only three fucks away from aSelina Meyertakedown.
Dear readers, Clay isnt talking about Angela, hes really talking about himself.
Angelas only response to everyones questions is, Its okay for him to be here.
Why is it not okay for me to be here?
Um … thats not really … part of it?
We did, maam.
hey unpurse your lips.
Angela asks Mike on a date, and apparently hes not with Sydney anymore?
When did this happen?
Dont you know were starved for Mike Johnson content?
Give him the airtime he deserves.
Give Sydneys front splits the respect they deserve.
It seems like two adults had a productive conversation that led to them ending their relationship amicably.
Why would you deprive me seeing Mike and Sydney peacefully work through things?
Seeing mature conversations where two people walk away with mutual respect, thats my pornography.
I just pop in in healthy emotional boundaries on Pornhub.
Nicole takes Angela aside before her date to … warn her?
Angela or Nicole could talk to Clay about this but dont worry, Tayshia is on the case.
After this episode, Im officially over Tayshia.
Tayshia asks, If I dont do it, who will?
Literally no one, because were not in seventh grade anymore.
That was more dignified than Tayshia confronting Clay.
JPJ has decided that Tayshia is the love of his life.
Has he talked to her about this?
Has he been trying to spend time with her?
Is this all a figment of his imagination as a result of chicken-nugget-induced mania?
Haley is positively stunned and is pissed that JPJ gave her a rose.
Im sorry, my good dude, what did you say?
His intuitive sense of loyalty.
She says that he wasnt honest when hes accusing Derek of being dishonest.
Demi and Kristian are in the background mugging for the camera.
JPJ is in trouble.
Derek just wants to know why JPJ thinks its okay for him to make up lies about him.
He also calls out that JPJ has decided that Derek is the wrong guy for Tayshia.
This ends with Derek screaming, TAYSHIA GETS TO DECIDE.
ITS UP TO HER.
STOP CALLING HER YOUR GIRL.
kindly let a man scream about my right to make a decision in a blond mans face.
All those bullshit Pornography for Women calendars where men are like wearing aprons?
But Derek screaming about Tayshias romantic autonomy?
Thats the future liberals want.
Whats Tayshias reaction to all this?
This is what I dont like.
So what fills the time between Tayshia deciding that something should be done and her actually doing something?
Old Matt Donald and Luke S. arrive in Paradise and take Sydney and Kristina on a double date.
Dylan and Hannah fuck on his birthday.
And Blake sits quietly and does nothing.
Finally, Tayshia takes JPJ aside to tell him that the whole fight rubbed her the wrong way.
Oh, dear, sweet Tayshia.
Youre gonna need a little more than that.
JPJ breaks down crying because he didnt do a good job communicating about the whole Haley thing.
This dude is never going to get it.
He starts crying after talking to Tayshia, while he sits alone, and in the confessional.
Derek asks if she cant or wont let herself get there.
Tayshia asks if Derek is mad at her.
This is a tactic utilized by beautiful people to deflect from the pain that theyre causing.
Derek says all he feels is self-loathing and sadness.
So he decides that hes going to leave Paradise.
He gathers everyone around and says good-bye.
Then KRISTIAN GETS A CONFESSIONAL ABOUT DEREKS EXIT.
I did not sign up for this.
Kristian says that even after everything that happened with Demi, Derek is a beautiful person.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What does that have to do with anything?
