Bachelor in Paradise
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We all have that friend who has decided that theyre the reason anyone ever has fun.
Theyre the sole bringer of fun to the party.
They probably have a whole closet of costumes ready for any party that has the suggestion of a theme.
Theyre the one friend who INSISTS that you all play a drinking game before you leave the house.
Dan, its 6 p.m. and we have dinner reservations.
Were not playing Flip Cup right now.
Amber, that table was structurally unsound and now someone has to drive you to the hospital.
This friend who has no idea what is appropriate or, quite frankly, wanted in any situation.
Bring a bottle of tequila to a house party, not a thesis defense.
Wear your favorite Fashion Nova minidress to Tanyas Thirty and Flirty Birthday Party, not to Ayannas Divorce Mediation.
yo do not send that girlyou havent even met yeta dick pic.
Literally no one is asking for this.
It feels like almost every single person onBachelor in Paradiseis this friend.
Why are we encouraging macho bullshit that leads to a literal fistfight on the beach?
Why is Caelynn calling Kristina a stupid bitch?
Lets get to it.
And by it I mean the ever-unfolding and complicated reveal of Demis actual relationship outside of Paradise.
It seems like her relationship with the woman at home is ongoing and could possibly continue after Paradise.
Dang,Bachelor in Paradisewill give you a sympathetic edit, if they want to.
I admire Demi for speaking so frankly about the fear and anxiety she has telling people about her sexuality.
What is so difficult to reconcile is the shows treatment of sexual fluidity.
Her date cards onParadisehad innuendos about her sexuality.
All of this despite that fact thatno one else on the seasonwas bisexual.
So Jaimis options were date a straight man or convince a straight woman to date her.
Neither option sounds appealing.
Thats what Im going to say about that.
How is this like … cool for people?
Am I reading this wrong?
Does Blake have a job?
Has he been using all his PTO to fly around the country and make out with content creators?
The info comes out when Dylan asks Hannah what hes missing about her attraction to Blake.
Whats missing is that Blake has been working on her for a while, my guy.
The fact that she kissed Blake before the season started is her business and her business alone.
Tayshia is acting like shes woken up as the chief suspect in a murder!
Everyone needs to calm down and distract themselves.
The first new arrival in Paradise is Dean!
He has a new mustache and lives in his van.
He looks like Wyatt Earp inTombstoneif Wyatt Earp opened a CBD bakery.
Also, Dean takes showers in rivers and lakes.
Thats Caelynns storyline to manipulate, Kristina!
Also, when Dean arrives, Kristina screams WHAT?
and it was my biggest laugh of the episode.
The next arrival is Christian.
This is a big time WHO?
This dude got sent home night one on Beccas season and WHO?!
His whole thing is that hes Mexican and very sexy.
Cuban women have amazing bodies!
Latin guys think theyre hot commodities!
No, not the way Christian does it.
She tells him how great her date was and how hes got to be more assertive.
Christian comes over to tell Nicole that he needs to finish her date with him.
Bitch, is there paperwork shes got to complete?
There are no Jet Skis.
The date is complete.
Christian insists in a completely annoying way that Clay can have her tomorrow.
Clay has to explain the mechanics of being onBachelor in Paradiseto Christian.
We were so close.
This is giving me anxiety.
See: the end of this episode.
John Paul Jones hides under a pillow and memorizes a speech fromRomeo and Julietto recite to Tayshia.
John Paul Jones is like if Philip Seymour Hoffman played Spicoli and hes generally a very strange delight.
Caelynn wants to know where Dean bathes.
Christian sets up a pinata for Nicole and stares directly at Clay while hes waiting for her.
Um … excuse me, miss.
You told me that I should be more AGGRESSIVE so here I am asking politely to talk to you.
Dont worry, if you tell me no or to wait, Ill walk away without any incident!
Clay makes his only mistake and talks to Jordan about literally anything.
Clay tells him in very clear terms, Dear God, do not do this.
Jordan has decided that hes some sort of Paradise Vigilante and goes to fuck up Christian anyway.
I would like to see evidence of that.
TO BE CONTINUED …
