Bachelor in Paradise
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Were trying to figure this out.
Lets get to it.
THIS SHOW STILL HAS STRUCTURE AND RULES AND MEANING.
Hold on to it while we can.
Everyone quickly does the math and subtracts 9 from 12, so there will be three women going home.
And … we all know who they are, right?
Derek gives his rose to Demi because shes such a breath of fresh air.
A lot of women this season are being described with the same language as innovations in the air-deodorizer industry.
Clay gives his rose to Nicole.
Wills gives his rose to Katie, and she looks a little surprised.
Kevin gives his rose to Sydney, and I honestly forgot he was still there.
JOHN PAUL JONES gives his rose to Onyeka.
Dylan gives his rose to Hannah, which makes everyone wonder exactly what Blake will do.
If Blake had any sense of decency or self-preservation, he would just eliminate himself.
Heshaving a genuinely bad timeand no one wants to hang out with him.
Just go home, my guy.
Youre very hot and a white man.
Youll continue to fail upward.
Anneliese says that she feels great about where she is with Chris.
She hasnt felt this confident in a long time andoop Chris gives his rose to Kristina.
How is Anneliesethis bad at this?She might have Americas worst judgment of her own standing in relationships.
That means that Bibiana, Jane, and Anneliese are leaving.
Anneliese says to the group, Best of luck not deceiving people.
No one is asking for you, of all people, to bring the heat like this?
Bibiana says that she should have made out with Blake and maybe shed be sticking around.
I dont know about yall, but I stan Bibiana like no other contestant on this show.
I just want her to be happy.
Then its the next morning and everyone is watching Clay work out again.
Theyre confusing talking shit and delighting in others pain with beingempowered.
The other half are incapable of dealing with any conversation or emotion that isnt completely positive.
This makes for both fantastic and infuriating television.
Hes decided that this is his beach and hes the mayor of Paradise.
Is this a thing?
Was anybody checking for him like this?
He arrives with more mixed metaphors than two in the bush.
This motherfucker isa lot.
Hes an assault on the senses.
He says hes looking for bone depth that comes with marriage.
When he heads down to the beach, about two people are excited to see him.
Hannah and Nicole both think hes cute.
Jordan decides that hes going to be the vigilante of the season and Blakes bad behavior is his business.
Remember, this person gotengagedlast season.
Theres something unspoken happening in this whole Hannahs Love Triangle thing.
So their logic for Dylan being a better choice is that hes such a nice guy.
Do I really need to lay out why Just give the nice guy some attention.
He deserves it is a problematic tactic?
Were literally praising a man for physically existing quietly.
And yall, Dylan is doing too much.
No one is monogamous yet because they havent had a conversation about it.
Maybe literally any of these children shouldTALK TO EACH OTHER.
Maam, youre kind and hes allegedly a model.
This is what happens when you put a bunch of inexperienced people together.
Theyre all way too grateful forJordansattention.
He reads the words smiley face to express to her how ready he is for marriage.
Camreallywants to get married and he wants to marry Caelynn.
Has he asked her one question about her feelings?
This is a Jacob-Renesmee inTwilightthing.
(The B. stands for Bachelor.Do it, you cowards.)
Every womans head spins off its axis trying to catch a glimpse of his smile.
That fucking smile is the tooth equivalent of coconut oil.
It makes everything better and you want to rub it all over your body.
Everyone keeps saying that hes a stud and a real man.
Mike even comes up to a group of women talking about how hot he is.
He takes Caelynn aside and asks her on a date.
Before he can finish, shes already in a white dress with a veil.
Im gonna need this pre-husband to settle the fuck down.
They got the best date in Paradise.
I relish in the opportunity to tell a man that Im not interested in him.
I have a go at schedule rejecting one male a week.
It keeps me young.
I need these women to GET IT TOGETHER.
Then Katie runs to the arms of Chris B?!?!
This is whats happening?
We arrive at Blake stealing Hannah aside to tell her that in the future hes going to pursue her.
Has he talked to her all day or tried to pursue her over the last day or so?
Oh, not at all.
But hes not going to follow her around like hes interested in her or something.
They end up making out in the moonlight while everyone watches.
Blake has decided that Dylan is his cuck.
Cam says Dylan should punch Blake in the face.
I would pay $2,000 to see Cam attempt to punch any human.
Blake and Dylan stand off against each other and literally talk over Hannahs head.
Shes petite, yall!
Blake keeps saying that shes uncomfortable.
Look at her but dont talk to or listen to her!
All of the women decide that Hannah actually likes the drama and shes a player too.
To that I say: GOOD.
Shes only 23 and has never played the field.
Shes on a show where thats the objective.
Let Hannah flirt with two strapping young American Eagle mannequins.
See you all tomorrow as the Battle for Hannah continues!
