Bachelor in Paradise
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The final days of Paradise loom, and its just chaos out there.
Bri is still a thing?
Were expected to watch Demi and Kristian have full conversations without looking at each other?
Clay is made of sweat somehow?
Hes more emotional stress sweat than man at this point, and theres nothing we can do about it.
So lets get to it.
They were too busy living inside each others swimsuits to notice that Blake had left.
The sudden departure of two people no one seemed to tolerate or understand has sent a shockwave through Paradise.
The first couple to succumb to the Final Weeks of Paradise pressure are Demi and Kristian.
Can we start using that instead of asking, Who is the guy?
Who is the girl?
Which one of you just has anxiety and which one of you isallowedto express that anxiety?
Or how they would define their relationship?
Or shouldnt have they been around other humans for Kristian to affectionately touch in a non-romantic manner?
While Kristian and Demi are trying to figure their relationship out, the date cards start arriving.
Wait … this is still a week with date cards and a rose ceremony?End thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis.
Hannah and Dylan head out on a date to a random Mexican childs birthday party.
… Was her name …Stamp?
That doesnt sound right.
Up next in the gauntlet of emotional terrors is Connor!
What producer fucked up the airport-arrival spreadsheet?
Thats what the holding cells look like on this show?
Sydney says that Whitney leaving Paradise for Connor is really romantic.
So would be sliding in her DMs, but ABC cant make any advertising money off that.
Clay and Nicole head out on a completely superfluous date card.
Shes too invested and his entire body is sweating.
They slow dance while a man sings a song thats too on the nose.
It contained the lyric, I hope we can move to a place of less anxiety.
Hes second-guessing everything about their relationship.
Luke S. is up first, for some completely inexplicable reason.
He asks Bri if shes willing to accept his rose and she says no.
So she keeps her mouth shut.
Thus goesthe most humiliating elimination inBachelorhistory.
He picks Bri, who immediately dumps him the next morning.
What would his mother say!
Everyone else picks exactly who we would expect them to pick.
Rev, Sydney, and Haley all head home.
Sydney has always been one of my favorites.
Chase and Angelas relationship disintegrates in a five-second clip.
Have you noticed that Tayshia talks to JPJ like hes an actual child?
She uses the same tone that kindergarten teachers use during unstructured playtime.
Their time in Paradise was the most magical time in his life.
Lets not forget that hes only like 24 and someone not going to prom was unthinkable to him.
Tayshia runs after him and starts crying and tells him, Im sorry.
Another couple bites the dust.
Is this really happening?
I dont want this at all.
Then she TALKS HIM out of BREAKING UP WITH HER?
The best he can muster is, I dont not want to try.
This motherfucker is in his 30s.
Double negatives DO NOT FLY in your 30s.
Maybe next week, theyll all be getting engaged so ABC can keep making that good Neil Lane money.
