Bachelor in Paradise
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Whats the big deal about being a fiance?
Honestly, what is so special about being engaged?
Try yelling the wordfiancee.
Its weird, right?
Doesnt that feel good?
Try yelling MY WIFE!
We get it,youre engaged.
And that was nice!
Awww, Caroline and Jeff went apple picking!
Im over here wondering ifBachelor in Paradisejust got addicted to being that show that produces marriages and children?
My God, Chris B. and Clay do not come off well in this episode.
Also, this bullshit did not need to be three hours long.
We did not need a montage of every couple.
Lets get to it.
Katie is heading into the Fantasy Suite not knowing if Chris … likes her?
Or is capable of demonstrating love?
Yall.Yall.The most Chris can muster is, I will not falter.
Is he a soldier in the Civil War?
Apparently, thats all Katie needs to hear to know that Chris is ready to be with her forever.
In between make-outs, Hannah and Dylan talk about how shes afraid to be hurt again.
And your girl is never wrong.
Is anyone suspicious about why weve literally never heard the story of Demi and Kristians relationship before Paradise?
How did they meet?
But Im notnotsaying it.
The final Fantasy Suite is Nicole and Clay.
Who didnt see this meltdown coming?
But also, Nicole, why?
She then watches a fireworks display that is clearly mocking her.
Its the next morning and its time for these proposals.
Clay and Nicole are first so theyre definitely breaking up.
Thats how this works.
She says she has no idea where Clays head is at but she is also ready to get engaged.
In what goddamned world.
WHICH IS A COMPLETELY NORMAL THING TO FEEL ABOUT SOMEONE AFTER A MONTH.
Listen, Ive been with my boyfriend for years and we love each other very much.
Nicole says she wants a love so deep the ocean gets jealous.
Nicole says she cant tell people that theyre together if he doesnt love her back, and she bolts.
Its time for the other happy couples.
Up first is Katie and Chris.
You do not need to accept this.
The best nonphysical thing he can manage is great personality.
Uh … public speaking and great personality?
He also ends their segment by going, Who would have thunk?
Then Dylan and Hannahget engagedbecause of course they did.
Same withDemi and Kristian.
Its time for the reunion and THERE ARE TWO MORE HOURS OF THIS SHIT?
Tahzjuan reminds us that she has no idea what a metaphor is when she calls Haley a pigeon.
Jordan takes the same tactic as JPJ and says hes sorry something happened but that Christian basically deserved it.
Dylan and Hannah are still together.
Kristian re-proposes to Demi.
Someone explain this to me.
A segment between Clay and Nicole was apparently cut out, according to Twitter.
Now, its time for the folks in the Hot Seat.
First up is Blake, because his life cant get any worse!
The main topic of conversation is Blake releasing his text messages with Caelynn.
The most baffling thing is that Blake seems genuinely surprised that people?
And he would be responsible?
He can totally see why people would be mad at him, though.
Thats not the same thing as an apology or accountability.
Has he been to the internet?
He says that no one would know that Caelynn was also at fault unless he did what he did.
Thank you, Batman.
He ends up apologizing that Caelynn feels the way she does … and thats it.
Katie comes out wearing an amazing dress that I want for a wedding Im going to this October.
So what fucking value does this man and his word have?
She sees that there is so much potential for them but it hasnt come to fruition.
This dude is in his 30s.
Aint no more potential; hes fully baked.
She literally says, Ive come to a darkness.
You better run girl.
He says he didnt expect all this.
Oh … oh, no.
So he doesnt know her or her feelings … at all.
He tells her that shes beautiful and he doesnt want her to feel that way.
If only he had some way to affect her feelings about their relationship … Its more embarrassing that you were blindsided about your fiancees feelings than it is that she blindsided you.
He looks 12 without any facial hair!
Its the most boring choice possible!
See you next season, America!
